DM doesn't help me practically with DCs

[AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys]

Just that really:-

I am single-parent, DM encouraged me to get rid of my EX, which she was right to do as he treated me abysmally.

I've been in bed with the flu all weekend. No offer of help. However, she's very keen to come down and celebrate DCs b'day which is coming up soon, she wants to go out for dinner.

DM did look after DCs recently as I had an something really important to do. It only took about an hour and when I called to say I was finished, she was desperate for me to come home and wanted to go out for lunch - it was after 2 by then so she should have fed them something already anyway. As soon as we'd eaten she went home. I would have preferred either some time to myself or help with washing or gardening or ANYTHING.

When I mentioned needing help with childcare on the two days that school will be closed for elections, she changed the subject.

It seems she only wants to be there for the good times. She was like this when I was growing up, crap parent, but very keen to parade us about on ceremony.

AIBU?

What grandparent wouldn't stretch to making their grandchildren a ham sandwich? my mother wouldn't if she was in my home unless I told her to. It's not that she doesn't care but that she is aware that she could be using an item of food that was planned for another meal.

These threads always amaze me with the direction they take

It also amazes me that people think that just because they're hidden behind their computer screens they can also forget all manners and common decency. It happens way to often on MN, which is a real shame.

I wish MN hadn't put this on "trending" threads, it's brought them all out. While I don't expect everyone to agree with me, there's no need to be unkind. I am ignoring all rude comments, if you're after a fight go and look elsewhere.

I do come across as a bit ungrateful, i know, but why would I want to go to lunch with someone who I feel I don't have the kind of relationship with that WellTidy so poignantly describes.

WellTidy yes I do have siblings, one of them DM has never been to visit where they live. They've been there for over 10 years.

OP I'm glad I've been able to help understand. I asked about siblings to try and get a feel about whether she treated you all as she treats you, or whether you felt that she was favouring others. It sounds as if she treats you all the same. This is sad, to me, but it would be much, much sadder if she was showering one child with help and not doing that to her others.

This is the way she is, OP. She will not change. It is you that has to shift your expectations and hopes, or you will feel forever sad and let down.

I do come across as a bit ungrateful, i know

I don't think you do at all. I just don't think people are reading between the lines.

It's obvious you feel she doesn't want much to do with you or the children bar when it's on her terms, which is shit and unhelpful. And it sounds as though you'd really appreciate some proper help and all she's willing to do is grimace her way through lunch every once in a while.

When your only source of help and support is a reluctant one, it hurts and it can be very isolating.

My DM is the same and all around me, friends seem to have lovely supportive parents, which makes it hard to accept. Unfortunately, its true - people are different. You have to accept you are never going to get from her any type of actual help. She can't do it. Build good friendships instead and other forms of support network. And learn to say no to lunch etc if it doesn't suit you so you protect yourself a bit. You can always say that as its just you, it takes more time to get through the chores and other stuff so you an't available. Then go home and put your feet up.

Oh and I hope you feel better soon. Flu is rubbish and doesn't help your ability to deal with the crap that normally you breeze through day to day.

OP I sympathise. My parents were just here for the weekend, meeting my week old baby for the first time (dc2) and I just felt gutted they didn't give us a proper break. DH was running around after them doing the tidying, washing up, cooking, even I was too. They just made work for us really.

They did play with DC1 a bit and wanted to cuddle dc2, apart from that they just spent time on their phones, sat around taking up the sofa so I would have to ask them to move so I could BF, made lots of negative comments about how DS wasn't dressed warmly enough, how much he was feeding (too much) and so on. They also moaned how tired they were! I'm getting 2-3 hours sleep a night.

My dad made a sarky comment about not making him lunch when I asked if they'd like me to make them a sandwich or them do their own. When I apologised for the state of the oven they criticised me for not keeping on top of it and said "why don't you clean it then?" (I'd been avoiding harsh chemicals during pregnancy).

On mothers day I single handedly cooked a nice dinner for everyone. My bleeding has got much worse from the exertion and standing up the whole time.

I'd actually asked them to visit when DH goes back to work as he works long hours and I had PND last time but they just ignored me.

They did buy us some generous presents and paid for a takeaway but I'd so much prefer to have their practical help and emotional support. Someone simply telling us we are doing a good job.

So yes, maybe I am BU to want and expect more - simple as a nappy change or offering to look after the kids so DH and I could have an hour or so's unbroken sleep - and maybe I sound like a spoilt child, but it fucking hurts when I see other GPs going out of their way to help their DCs and GCs.

All I want to do is distance myself from them as I find it too upsetting.

Money is tight but we are going to pay for a mother's help a few hours a week instead of relying on family.

I think YANBU.

why would I want to go to lunch with someone who I feel I don't have the kind of relationship with - sorry but this sounds like you feel that she's good enough when you need babysitting, but not good enough to have lunch with? Or did you mean something else here?

Yep WellTidy I need to stop expecting too much in order to protect myself from disappointment...every so often I let my fantasies run away with me and think that things can somehow be different (DM is also very good at fuelling this and not really following through).

She's not only like this with myself and siblings, also with an older relative of hers who is on her own. Which is extremely sad indeed.

OhMavis, yes it is all on her terms. I sometimes wonder if she gets a little power kick out of it. Funnily enough my EX is very similar, he never helps with DCs unless it's on his terms and I have given up asking. I can emotionally distance myself from the EX but it's harder to do that my DM.

I don't think you should expect help from your DM. They are your children. Presumably your Ex still has time with his DC? If you are too ill to look after them then you should ask directly for what you need. If she refuses for no good reason then that would be quite mean.

Just read your last post. You shouldn't give up on asking your EX, he is their father and has joint responsibility. Don't be a doormat!

I agree with OooMavis and WellTidy.

I'm also amazed by the direction these threads take. MN can be a strange place indeed!

It's about compassion, understanding and helping others out where we can. I don't think you sound entitled at all OP. I think you're hurt and bitter that you got a shitty mother. You are allowed to feel like that.

If I were you I'd try to withdraw from her and not get sucked in. Relationships should have an element of compromise, not on one person's terms only. My own mother sounds a bit like yours and I've found I get hurt more, the more involved she is. It's much better for me if I don't rely on her at all.

I get it, Aaaaaaaaaaarghhh, I really do. Its not like I am able to practice what I preach, but I know that I should take my own advice. I too find it very hurtful and wish that things could be different, as I live many, many miles away from my (practical, helpful, can't ever do enough for you) parents, and very, very close to DP's not so hands on parents.

Its very, very difficult, and you will never understand it, so please don't even try to. Be proud of who you are and what you're doing. That takes enormous strength, and your DC will understand that as they grow. Things won't change. Don't get sucked in. You won't owe her anything, and you won't ever have to say thank you for what she does for you. Unless you're like me, that is, as I am a sucker and would really struggle to live with myself if DH's parents needed help in later life and I held back on helping.

Just read your post puglife. That sucks. You're right, someone telling you what a great job you're doing is a huge source of support, especially when you've just had a baby. Sadly, this seems to be the time when we're surrounded by people eye rolling, which isn't helpful.

There is nothing wrong with family helping out and yes it's great when they do.

However even when the OP mum has helped it's been met with 'but she didn't do more'. She was asked to have the kids while she did something important. That's what's she did. But some how that's not right because she didn't offer to have them longer or do the gardening?

Not every grand parent wants To be hands on. Of course they want to be there for big events. And I bet if she decided she wasn't going to attend her GC birthday that would be wrong too.

I don't think YABU to hope for a bit of practical help. This isn't about regular childcare, it's the odd 'exceptions' (the election day, and the OP being ill).
Agree with others it's not a generational thing - my Mum would have helped out with those odd things, but my MiL won't. It's the person they are thing. Like you, MiL wants to be there at any 'achievement celebration' that she can take photos and show to her friends, but she's never been around to actually help.
That said, I think you are pushing it with 'gardening' - it's not something that doesn't matter if it's left, is it?

crap parent, but very keen to parade us about on ceremony.

This, and

MiL wants to be there at any 'achievement celebration' that she can take photos and show to her friends, but she's never been around to actually help.

both these are my mil, she drops us like a lead balloon after offering to do things for us. They way to do it is to just assume shes never going to help you.

YANBU. My ILs similar. They have never helped us out, never. The one time we asked them to (family wedding, my sister's, child free, all my family AT the wedding) they pulled out. For no reason whatsoever, they weren't doing anything else.

FWIW they are young ish able bodied and retired. My DC are easy and pleasant to be around. We don't ask now. We have a strained talk about the weather relationship. They are crap grandparents and have since moved overseas. DD asked recently whether they were "still her grandparents". Err kind of. In name only.

That's shocking pug. They should not have expected you to make sandwiches and lunch on Mother's Day. You have just given birth! Next time you should tell them to stay in a hotel if that's what they expect.

I hope you can get some rest now and be very kind to yourself. Try and get as much sleep as poss before DH goes back to work. The mother's help is a great idea. Does DC1 go to nursery or preschool? If so, you could try to sleep then. Also, depending on how old DC1 is and if they'll actually stay in front of the telly, you could always put a film or cebeebies on while you and the baby sleep.

OP - in answer to your question, my DM has no issues I'm aware of beyond simply not being interested in her grandchildren (or her children for that matter). I have called and sent her messages but no response. We haven't argued or anything - she just doesn't give a shit!

Sorry some of the responses on this thread have been a bit harsh.

She does help but it's not enough for you. If you want to cover days off or gardening then you need to pay for childcare. Or save the jobs for when the children are with the ex.

Grandparents shouldn't be obliged or slated for not providing childcare whenever demanded. They have done their child raising and it's now time for them. Parents make the choice to become parents so need to deal with what that entails rather than expecting others to do it for them.

YANBU OP to wish for a more supportive DM especially following the breakup of your relationship. I'm not sure why some on MN find it so offensive that family members should help one another out from time to time. Other cultures take it as a given but here it's all very much about everyone for themselves.

The OP isn't asking to use her mum as regular childcare - just asking for some occasional help understanding to lighten the load.

YANBU. My MIL is a parader so I know how you feel. They want all the glory but don't want to be involved otherwise. It's crap.

Ignore all the bashers who have jumped on here looking for a fight.

Unfortunately though, as PPs have said, she's not going to change. Maybe it's time to start pushing back on her expectations a bit re family gatherings etc.

Thanks Aaaaaaargh and Mazzle - yes DS1 is in preschool which will hopefully give me some time to sleep and rest. DH is doing his best but is also knackered as DS1 not sleeping well at all since baby arrived.

DPs don't live nearby so I wouldn't expect them to help regularly anyway, but I do find it a little depressing that I'm basically going to have to pay a stranger for support.

I do have some really good friends but they either have young babies themselves or are at work during the week.