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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM doesn't help me practically with DCs

163 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 11:16

Just that really:-

I am single-parent, DM encouraged me to get rid of my EX, which she was right to do as he treated me abysmally.

I've been in bed with the flu all weekend. No offer of help. However, she's very keen to come down and celebrate DCs b'day which is coming up soon, she wants to go out for dinner.

DM did look after DCs recently as I had an something really important to do. It only took about an hour and when I called to say I was finished, she was desperate for me to come home and wanted to go out for lunch - it was after 2 by then so she should have fed them something already anyway. As soon as we'd eaten she went home. I would have preferred either some time to myself or help with washing or gardening or ANYTHING.

When I mentioned needing help with childcare on the two days that school will be closed for elections, she changed the subject.

It seems she only wants to be there for the good times. She was like this when I was growing up, crap parent, but very keen to parade us about on ceremony.

AIBU?

OP posts:

stumblymonkey · 07/03/2016 12:29

Sorry but I think YABU.

It's lovely that some DM's want to provide care for their DGC however it can't reasonably be expected.

Your DM has had her children and raised them and may not want childcare responsibilities anymore.

It was your decision to have DC and its your responsibility to take care of them...if DM offers to help then great but it's not an obligation. If you want childcare for your own children and DM doesn't want to you'll have to pay for it or do without it.

Other people have to look after children without support from their parents all the time...

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2016 12:30

Perhaps it's a generational thing.

No, it isn't. I do get tired of this ageist stuff being constantly trotted out. It's a "people are different" thing.

^^This.

To which generation do you refer, OP?

stumblymonkey · 07/03/2016 12:33

I also disagree that it's a generational thing. I'm in my early 30's and while I may 'hope' parents will help out I never 'expect'.

I can already say that after working full time for a lifetime and raising my children I'd be genuinely peeved if my own children had any such expectations in the future. I might help out sometimes but I won't be a free childminder, I'll deserve the rest!

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/03/2016 12:33

How shocking. I can't believe that she doesn't want to do your laundry, gardening and childcare! Sack her immediately!

Seriously, with your entitled attitude, I can see why she doesn't help. If you are genuinely ill, I can see why it would be nice for her to bring some hot soup. But - GARDENING?? Surely this can wait until you are better??

Original poster

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 12:35

There's a bit of confusion about lunch timings. My appt. was at 12, so I left at 11:30 and wasn't back till about 1:30. I wanted to feed them as soon as i got back, but she insisted we go out so it was after two by the time the DCs ate.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/03/2016 12:36

Yes it would be wonderful if grandparents help out but they do not have to because the kids are you children not theirs.

Find other ways of getting support that do not rely on good will.

Even if you use a sitters agency and the first few times have the sitter mind the kids whilst you do other stuff in the house like cleaning or have a peaceful bath until you feel confident to use them whilst you go out (you can if you are flexible get the same person each time).

Even if it was just once a month for a couple of hours after a few months you will have yourself a responsibly childcarer who is being paid so no good will to depend on and a much needed break.

roundaboutthetown · 07/03/2016 12:36

Is your mother retired, OP? And where is your father? Were her parents helpful when you were a child? The eating at 11pm thing just sounds like poor organisation to me, not failing to try. You seem to be confusing different types of things that have irritated you and consequently come across as a little bit self centred and critical - as though you think she can't do anything right, but still want to use her inadequate services! Would you rather she didn't want to bother with family celebrations, either?! She clearly isn't your idea of a perfect mother, I get that, but she is clearly not an uninterested, callous parent.

Eastie77 · 07/03/2016 12:37

My DM has never done a single thing to help with the DC. Not one thing. In fact, she hasn't even seen 4 month old DS as she can't be be bothered to visit (my dad and sister have admitted this to me as they ran out of excuses as to why she hadn't visited when they came over). She has seen 2.5 year old DD twice. DM lives 20mins away from me.

It's pretty shit but I think life's too short to get stressed out about it. I'm afraid I agree with other posters. They are your kids and your responsibility. It would be nice if your DM stepped up and helped out but it doesn't seem as if that is ever going to happen - the clue is in the fact she was a crap parent to you - so honestly your best bet would be to think about alternative arrangements when you need childcare and accept you can't rely on her.

I totally get the feeling envious thing when you see other people get help though. My best friend's mum upped sticks and moved back to the UK from her retirement home abroad to help when friend had her baby. Almost all of my other friends get help from their mums in one form or another and it does hurt a bit.

redskytonight · 07/03/2016 12:37

Slightly confused ... so your DM did look after the DC while you did your "important thing"? So she is helping practically? Your issue is that she's not helping every single time you want her to? Well, you can't really expect her to ...

Osolea · 07/03/2016 12:38

Do your children see their Father? It's really up to him to help with childcare.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/03/2016 12:39

YABU, and I agree with the MN line that those are your children, not hers. That's her privilege as a grandparent, to only enjoy the fun parts and hand the children back for anything she doesn't feel like doing.

I don't get why she should be doing your gardening? Do you do hers?

Of course it's nice to have help from family if you have young children, but it's a favour, not an entitlement.

FigMango1 · 07/03/2016 12:39

Why the heck should she be expected to do your gardening? If this is what you expect of her no wonder she does little.

Original poster

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 12:42

I take back the generational thing, as those GPs that do help are similar generation. You're right Grunted, it's a people thing.

OP posts:

WellTidy · 07/03/2016 12:42

These threads always amaze me with the direction they take.

I come from a family where we all helped each other. We certainly weren't in each others' pockets, or under each others' feet, but we all did what we could to help each other on a regular basis. Not just stepping in in an emergency (like election days, in your situation, OP), but pitching in with childcare, gardening, decorating, lifting and shifting furniture, passing down clothes or bedding or whatever any of us could have a use for. We were thoughtful to what each other might need. I regularly had sleepovers with my cousins, and they came to us, to give parents a break. It was unheard of for my mum to make one cake - she would always make a cake for our elderly neighbours too. There are countless examples of this type of thing and it happened all the time.

I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined a situation where this wasn't the norm, as it was, for nearly every family I knew (I grew up in a semi rural village). And then I left home at 18, and saw how other people just didn't have the kind of support that I always took as being normal, and expected (to give as well as to receive). And later on, I met DP, whose family (on the whole, but there are exceptions), are towards the opposite end of the scale. I am still trying to get used to it, as other posters are correct on this, people don't change.

Its a shame that your DM can't/won't help you, when you clearly would benefit from the help. I could never imagine being the type of person she is, just like I'm sure you aren't, that type of person yourself, and will not become that. Try not to expect anything of her, or you will be continually disappointed. Its incredibly hard and saddening, I know, especially when you see other examples of relationships and would so like that for yourself. Do you have siblings, and if so, does your DM treat you all the same?

Katenka · 07/03/2016 12:43

There isn't confusion, you are changing the details.

You said you called her and 'by then it was after 2' and it took about an hour.

So you were gone 2 hours? Not an hour and it was earlier than you said.

Tbh I think you have issues with your mum from your childhood and won't be happy with what she does now.

Her encouraging you to kick out a shit partner doesn't oblige her to be on hand all the time or do you gardening.

zzzzz · 07/03/2016 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MySordidCakeSecret · 07/03/2016 12:48

YABU

Appreciate that you even have a mum.

OohMavis · 07/03/2016 12:51

Yanbu, but whenever anything is posted on here about grandparents helping out you get these responses. As though parents helping their adult children isn't an entirely normal thing to do and you're being unreasonable to expect them to even answer your phonecalls.

Nice parents help with these things, OP, but shit ones continue to be shit, even when they become grandparents, I know this all too well. It's best to come to terms with that now and avoid feeling disappointed in the future.

gamerchick · 07/03/2016 12:56

I think all of us would like the kind of family who all pitch in but unfortunately not all of us get that. Your expectation is what needs to change so you're not constantly disappointed.

It also means you can say no to the 'nice' stuff you don't feel like doing though.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 07/03/2016 12:57

Ooh not helping out at all would be pretty shitty maybe,but the OP's mother does help! Just because she doesn't want to hang around whilst the OP does her washing does not make her a shit grandparent!

fusionconfusion · 07/03/2016 13:01

^What OohMavis said.

Catphrase · 07/03/2016 13:08

I'm in that club. My best advice
Expect nothing and they can't let you down.

Doesn't stop it hurting though. especially when the other GC are treated / seen every week

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 07/03/2016 13:11

So she looked after your children for two hours, not one. She had them for the time arranged and then wanted to spend some time with you. How dreadful of her not to realise that you see going to lunch with her as a chore and feel she owes you extra childcare instead, if she's going to make herself available for lunch.

You could easily have left sandwiches for your children and it would have been polite to do so.

You sound horrid.

Original poster

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 13:14

Wow Eastie - She hasn't even seen your 4 mth old . Do you know why? Does she have some other issues going on?

Ginkypig- thank you, very useful advice, i think you're spot-on. I try not to expect too much but every now and then slip-up and think things could be different. I have tried to distance myself, however keep getting lured back in. Perhaps I need to expect less but also become less involved myself.

DonkeysDon't - I'm wondering if the reason she encouraged you to split from your ex was less about you and more to do with her comfort I did wonder that myself as she was extremely active then in terms of discussing how awful my then DH and his family were.

OP posts:

OohMavis · 07/03/2016 13:19

You could easily have left sandwiches for your children and it would have been polite to do so.

Polite! She's their grandmother, not a neighbour they barely know. What grandparent wouldn't stretch to making their grandchildren a ham sandwich?

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