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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh accidentally hurting dcs

178 replies

Betternamenow · 06/03/2016 19:29

Dh is apparently very clumsy/absent minded. In the last couple of weeks he has tripped and spilt boiling coffee on ds leg, fed him food that was so hot he screamed, went red in the face and drooled everywhere, and fed dd a too hot bottle that resulted in the same reaction (screaming etc)

The first two times it happened I said nothing, accidents happen and obviously he feels bad about it. Third time I had to say something, so it was something along the lines of, 'i know accidents happen but they keep happening to you. You need to be more careful ' He kicked off big time, which is unusual for him. Said I was accusing him (as if I think he's doing it on purpose!) and basically pretty much walked out of the house, leaving me trying to calm down 2 upset dc.

I think he could be more careful, and he needs to be paying more attention, check temperature more carefully etc. Was IBU to confront him over this? Should I have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/03/2016 12:19

chocolet

Feeding far to hot food along with over salting intentionally are not very unusual forms of child abuse, it's something that would be strongly considered with a child of that age if a HCP had have been consulted and is likely to be one of the first 3/4 things that would be thought of as a risk.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/03/2016 12:24

nucky

If I trip and fall when I'm holding a child that is an accident, if it happens again soon after then it's a avoidable incident a third time it's negligence.

An issue occurs then you have a likely future occurance and this needs to be accounted for and addressed.

And fwiw I have rocked up to a & e with a child that was being held when someone tripped and yes quite rightly safeguarding questions were asked and then reasked by a safeguarding professional afterwards.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 07/03/2016 12:36

You can ask all you like any I've been enjoying RL - it's sunny outside here, I'll leave you battle the last bit of the thread.

paxillin · 07/03/2016 12:59

Does typing an answer take more time than a catty "you enjoy battling"?

Boogers · 07/03/2016 13:09

Betternamenow I've followed this thread from when you started it, and you're caught between a rock and a hard place.

How was your husband after he returned from his strop? Does he understand your concerns?

For what it's worth, you can purchase plastic bowls and cutlery that change colour when the food is too hot, ditto bottles with a thermometer that indicates when the contents are a palatable temperature (the ones I used were by Tommie Tippee).

You've had a variety of opinions on here - what are your thoughts?

Baressentials · 07/03/2016 13:48

Op is this a recent thing? How does your H cope at work?

My stbxh started to.put my dc at risk when his mental illnesd reared its head again. He put them in a boiling hot bath, fed them boiling hot food, so many things. It was explained to me that it wad his illness and I shouldn't leave our 3 dc alone with him. Actually, although his mh was was getting worse he only ever harmed or put dc at risk. Never him or me.
I had ss involved in our lives (not because of tgis situation but because I had a baby whilst in denal) so I would askyou. If ss services got involved would your H step up and make changes? If so then he should make changes now. He can find temp sensitive plates and cutlery. It shouldn't be downto you. If he sees nothing wrong with his accidents on a short space of time then he will be ok explaining them to others & wouldapologise to you for reacting badly when you talked to him about these situations.
Can you hand on heart say it has only been these 3 incidents in a couple of weeks? If so I assume he has managed to feed the dc ok before?
Sorry bit I am another who thinks there have more occasions like this, but not examples that are so easy to bring up and point out. Genuinely hope I am wrong op.

amarmai · 07/03/2016 13:51

op, you ask the strange question if you were right to speak to your dh after he burned a dc for the 3rd time with too hot food. The question i ask you is -why you wd feel that you may have done the wrong thing and why you did not speak up the first 2 times? If you have been conditioned by this man to keep quiet when you feel unquiet on behalf of your self and your dc , then i am very afraid for you all. His violent response speaks to the conditioning i suspect has gone before this occasion. I am also worried that you say he 'apparently' tripped. In saying that you reveal the doubts that you may be hiding from yourself as the opposite interpretation is terrifying. Please do not ignore the many mners who are worried about this man. We have no iron in this fire. Better safe than sorry. If you call RSPCC for advice perhaps that will open your eyes.If there is a possibilty that this man is accidentally deliberately hurting his dc, this will not stop. You will also be held accountable if you choose out of fear of him not to take your dc into a safe place to live. His actions and his response to your finally speaking up point in the direction of a person who wants to hurt. Counselling for you without him being present is essential so that you uncover why you were hesitant to deal with this man's hurting your dc.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2016 16:42

That is more than raising the question - that's saying he is burning his children so he doesn't have to feed them. You have no evidence of that all and tbh it's nasty.

Chocolate If I passed you in the hall and rammed your shoulder so you stumbled, the first time you might think "Oops, that's an accident". The second time we passed I tripped you up so you stumbled you'd think, "Why doesn't she watching where she's going!". The third time we passed I 'hooked' your purse so you were jerked back and almost stumbled, you'd think "WTF, she's doing this on purpose!". The fact remains that even if these three 'accidents' were done simply because I was 'not paying attention' after the third you'd be justified in being angry. Because 'not paying attention' IS a deliberate act.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2016 17:09

Amarmai, exactly. That is what I was trying to get at in my questions^^.

I think the disproportionate response is very significant here. How angry is he in general? Does he 'simmer'? Do you feel aware of his mood?

The food that caused your DS's reaction was objectively far too hot if it caused the physical response you described. It wasn't just a child experiencing food that was a couple of degrees hotter than he was used to. Your DS's response should have caused your H to make a mental note to always check the temperature in future, yet he tried to give the baby a bottle that was objectively far too hot too (it caused the same response, screaming, etc).

'We have no iron in this fire' but you most certainly do.

Original poster
Betternamenow · 07/03/2016 18:04

This thread has got so out of control. No doubt child abuse happens, but not in this case. If I thought it was deliberate, he wouldn't still be here.

He is not controlling or abusive to me in any way. And no, I'm not in denial.

I won't be posting on this thread again. Thanks to everyone who replied (with sensible advice)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 20:20

Do you have an explanation for why he is doing it then ?

duckyneedsaclean · 07/03/2016 20:28

So much projection on this thread. The op had clearly said he is not abusive.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/03/2016 20:31

If they're genuine mistakes I'm sure he feels crappy about it.

I'd suggest talking about it with him I'm a neutral manner and hopefully he can reassure you that he will make sure it doesn't happen again.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/03/2016 20:32

I obviously understand why you are pissed off but a neutral discussion is usually more productive than an argument,is my maxim.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/03/2016 20:34

Am coming from standpoint that it's more likely he just stuffed up, albeit a lot.

Redroses11 · 07/03/2016 20:37

To stuff up once is an accident; to stuff up three times is either idiocy or madness. It's not like he has mismatched clothes or something. He is hurting the children! How long is it going to take the man to learn? How long is the OP going to wait for him to learn?

amarmai · 07/03/2016 20:43

as you are working and he is in charge of the dc, you do not know what has happened when you are not there. 3 accidents in 1/2 weeks wd indicate a lot more in the rest of the time when he is alone with them , if it is just accidents.
Projecting what ??

Redroses11 · 07/03/2016 21:32

Fwiw I read the OP out to my DH and asked him what he would say to the man and his response was that he would tell him to never enter the kitchen or attempt to feed my child again.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 07/03/2016 21:38

My DH is very clumsy. Incidents include sitting on the laptop when it had been left on the sofa and snapping it (he's very large man), kicking me as he falls over having tripped on his own feet (size 15) , punching BIL in the head when putting his coat on, falling over a table in a restaurant etc - he goes splat at least once a week - but we have only once had a milk too hot situation and I went absolutely nuts. It was early days, he made the bottle for me and I felt it before I gave it to baby so no scalding.

I think you've been easy on him tbh. DH was so upset that he triple checks everything now. He is so careful around the DC that I have no worries. If only he could stop falling down the stairs and dropping things... Confused

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 07/03/2016 21:40

Ok so you're sure it's not deliberate. You know him and we don't.

However he's clearly too stupid/careless to look after the children unsupervised.

Redroses11 · 07/03/2016 21:42

Cersei your DH sounds hilarious!

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 07/03/2016 21:52

Redroses he is, it's like living on the set of some mothers do 'ave em. His whole family are the same, he once told me his mum pulled a car door off when she opened the handle Grin but the point is, with the DC, he's so careful because he knows he's accident prone. We have never had a near miss since and that should really have been OP's DH's reaction the first time too.

Redroses11 · 07/03/2016 22:07

I agree Cersei.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/03/2016 22:51

Abuse does not need to be an actual deliberate action.

Many people who abuse their children have little to no concept of how their behaviours impact on the child or that it is indeed abuse.

If I accidently forget to buckle up my kid once it's an avoidable error if I do it twice it's very questionable a third time and potentially I'm a child abuser for recklessly being negligent.

Not all abusers are horrid shouty violent people. Not all abusers are abusing because of a desire to do so and not all abusers have any awareness about abuse.

If one parent cannot protect their child adequately from risk refuses to understand why the risk needs removing or mitigating then by default it is down to the other parent to protect that child from that parent.

whatdoIget · 07/03/2016 22:56

One could be forgiven for thinking that if he's not doing it on purpose, then he doesn't care enough to stop doing it. Either way it's the same result: the children are getting burnt on a regular basis Sad

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