Dh accidentally hurting dcs

[Betternamenow]

Dh is apparently very clumsy/absent minded. In the last couple of weeks he has tripped and spilt boiling coffee on ds leg, fed him food that was so hot he screamed, went red in the face and drooled everywhere, and fed dd a too hot bottle that resulted in the same reaction (screaming etc)

The first two times it happened I said nothing, accidents happen and obviously he feels bad about it. Third time I had to say something, so it was something along the lines of, 'i know accidents happen but they keep happening to you. You need to be more careful ' He kicked off big time, which is unusual for him. Said I was accusing him (as if I think he's doing it on purpose!) and basically pretty much walked out of the house, leaving me trying to calm down 2 upset dc.

I think he could be more careful, and he needs to be paying more attention, check temperature more carefully etc. Was IBU to confront him over this? Should I have kept my mouth shut?

Awful though it is to even think it, I do wonder whether there's a bit of "accidentally on purpose" going on.

There's quite a difference between "a bit too hot" & "hot enough to cause screaming & drooling"

He sounds careless, being absent minded or clumsy is no excuse, I have dyspraxia and very clumsy, I am always careful around the kids, yes there have been times when I have slipped up, but I have learned and not repeated.

I can understand that, because accidents really can happen to anyone.

But then something made you speak up. What was that feeling? Or thought? Or instinct?

Buy a lotion thermometer and make your husband use it! If the food is above a certain temperature that you decide is too hot then he has to wait until it cools down before giving it to his children.

This all sounds like he doesn't really see childcare as his duty. Yes, he will 'step in' if you need a wee, or have another reason you aren't on duty, but he never actually takes over 100% and uses his brain. There in body, but not in spirit.

I've injured my child accidentally before, so I understand that accidents happen. But I find it really baffling how so many people leap to the idea of a brain tumour or neurological disorder rather than the much more likely explanation which is that he just needs to be more careful.

I doubt he is burning his child on purpose

He is just being careless. op tbh I would have torn him a new arse the first time. My Dh can be the same although tbh he has never scolded one if them. I think sometimes their brain switches off and they coast through situations.

Don't feel bad for telling him - he probally feels shit about it and so he should but I don't think he set out to hurt his children.

Who are 'they' chocolate ? Parents?

I'm talking about my Dh and possibly op Dh.

I'm actually shocked at this thread. Regular posters who often give out sound advice have come in to say this man is purposely burning his children so he doesn't have to make a bloody bottle again. It's ridiculous

Do you think that never happens ?

I think he could be more careful, and he needs to be paying more attention, check temperature more carefully etc.

Felt bad because accidents can happen to anyone

But not checking the temp properly isn't an accident.

there is nothing else in op posts that indicate he is an evil child abuser. Because that's what you are implying.

I could write a list of things I have done to my kids by accident - but that means I'm careless not evil.

I think you and some other posters have gone too far this time.

If I were in the ops position I would be seriously worried that if anything happened to me the children would lose both parents.

As well as that presumably her dh is constantly losing jobs. He can't help it fine, but women who have other halves like this must shoulder the financial burden as well

I am not implying anything. I am raising the possibility. Only Op is in a position to make a decision about where the endangering of his children's health lies.

You go right ahead and agree she is over reacting and some of us have gone "too far" if you wish. This is a discussion board where people give their opinions when asked.

I have no idea if the OP's partner is deliberately injuring their children. Hopefully not. But people's outrage at the very idea that a parent might actually injure or neglect their own child is exactly why child abuse or neglect gets missed all the time. The whole 'oh, he would never do that'. Well, hopefully he wouldn't, but only the OP knows her partner, and if there is an ongoing pattern of events, it is certainly something that should be considered, no matter how unpalatable.

Honestly? I think he doesn't quite fully understand that the DCs are real, proper people. He doesn't have enough empathy to put himself in their shoes and think "is this too hot?". He might get as far as "I'd be fine eating something as hot as that" but doesn't take the next step of "but is it too hot for the DC?". He is also forgetting that because he is feeding them, they do not have any control about how much food is put in their mouths or how quickly they can get it out of their mouth if it hurts (as an adult you feel the steam coming from the food as it nears your mouth so you eat cautiously, or blow on it or whatever), he is loading up a nice big spoonful, popping it in and the child doesn't have a chance to avoid the hot food.

He needs to be more thoughtful and aware. He can change. If he chooses not to then that is neglectful.

He is incompetent

Probably on purpose so that he will get to opt out of the things he doesn't want to do

There is no the reason that I can see here

That is more than raising the question - that's saying he is burning his children so he doesn't have to feed them. You have no evidence of that all and tbh it's nasty.

When I stopped BF and DH was about to take DD overnight for the first time (with me sleeping in the guest room), he sat on the bed with her and closed his eyes, even though I had told him that he absolutely must not do this because he would fall asleep. He told me he wouldn't fall asleep, he was just resting for a moment. I told him that he absolutely would fall asleep, sitting comfortably in bed, in a dark room with his eyes closed. Further, I told him if you do fall asleep, and she falls onto the floor, or something else happens to her, I will fucking divorce you!

I have never spoken to him like that before because I love and respect him, but it was necessary to get him to understand the seriousness of the situation. He did listen. And he never held it against me. And these days, he's just as safety conscious as I am.

However, I do wonder if it's because of me that he's learned to think that way. Either way, my child's safety is absolutely paramount. In this context, I don't care about 'hurting people's feelings'. Fuck 'em. They need to learn.

I will ask again, chocolate

do you think it never happens ?

do you think it never happens ?

Do you think that, if it has been known to happen, it therefore must be happening in this case?

There is no "must"

Like I said, only OP knows which end of the spectrum her husband's harm of the children is coming from. Should we never suggest it ? Never give an opinion ?

But the opinions the OP asked for were whether or not she was right to confront her husband about his carelessness.

What came back were accusations that her husband was systematically abusing his children, for which there is no evidence at all.

Then she can ignore it if it doesn't apply.

Any OP would not be the first to be in denial about why their husband might be hurting their children. There are possibly some others on this thread. Child abuse is not exactly rare.