Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh accidentally hurting dcs

178 replies

Betternamenow · 06/03/2016 19:29

Dh is apparently very clumsy/absent minded. In the last couple of weeks he has tripped and spilt boiling coffee on ds leg, fed him food that was so hot he screamed, went red in the face and drooled everywhere, and fed dd a too hot bottle that resulted in the same reaction (screaming etc)

The first two times it happened I said nothing, accidents happen and obviously he feels bad about it. Third time I had to say something, so it was something along the lines of, 'i know accidents happen but they keep happening to you. You need to be more careful ' He kicked off big time, which is unusual for him. Said I was accusing him (as if I think he's doing it on purpose!) and basically pretty much walked out of the house, leaving me trying to calm down 2 upset dc.

I think he could be more careful, and he needs to be paying more attention, check temperature more carefully etc. Was IBU to confront him over this? Should I have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
CandOdad · 06/03/2016 19:54

My dad once pinned through my scrotum with a nappy pin, on another occasion gave me a whole miniature of brandy in my milk (when what mum meant was rub some on my gums)
Each time he was apparently left in no doubt what a pillock he was.

LineyReborn · 06/03/2016 19:55

What are you going to do? It sounds like you'll have to cover the house with post-it notes - but why should you??

Oysterbabe · 06/03/2016 19:56

I'd have hit the roof. Yanbu.

Original poster
Betternamenow · 06/03/2016 19:57

What am I going to do? No idea! Not going to take over and do everything that's for sure!

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 06/03/2016 20:00

All I can say is poor children, 'repeated accidents' sounds more like a bloody excuse to me.
I wouldn't let him anywhere near my children after the second time Sad

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 06/03/2016 20:00

You must have big balls candOdad Grin
I can't imagine how that happened given where the scrotum located in relation to where the nappy pin goes.

diddl · 06/03/2016 20:01

Is it recent?

Always happened but more frequent?

I mean that if he used to be able to feed them without mishap then he surely can again?

Kanga59 · 06/03/2016 20:02

He is either stupid or neglectful. Either way, you need to sort it before something worse happens. He is not a child and needs to grow up pronto.

LeaLeander · 06/03/2016 20:04

Passive-aggressive. "If I do it badly enough I soon won't have to do it any more."

This would be a dealbreaker for me. You aren't asking him to decipher the theory of relativity, just pay fucking attention so the child isn't injured by negligence and carelessness. Stop calling it "accidents" when it's deliberate inattention.

I would insist that he take time off work and get some sort of counseling or therapy or whatever it takes to address his inability to focus on what he is doing, in the moment, or to address his indifference and inability to understand simple safety measures like testing the temperature of food or not wandering around a child with hot coffee. If he wouldn't I'd ask him to move out, seriously.

Don't fall for the "oh he's just an absent-minded bumbler at heart" bullshit. That's fine if it means he ends up wearing mismatched socks or forgetting his car keys somewhere. It's not fine if your child's tongue is scalded.

Lightbulbon · 06/03/2016 20:04

It's neglect.

But tbh his reaction is more worrying than the actual incidents.

UmbongoUnchained · 06/03/2016 20:07

He'd be kicked out if it were my partner!

stitch10yearson · 06/03/2016 20:11

I heard of someone who became rather nasty and the marriage broke down, she left him etc etc. Turned out, he had a slow growing brain tumour which is what had changed his personality so much. But because it was so slow, it wasnt picked up. I think, I may be wrong, but I think once he had it treated, he became more of his normal self

amarmai · 06/03/2016 20:14

patterns indicate purpose. SS wd be called if it weren't just you and him.

maydancer · 06/03/2016 20:15

The tripping up he couldn't help- it was an accident.That leaves 2 incidents of 'too hot' food.I think YABU a couple of mistakes isn't unreasonable.You say he felt really bad about it.What on earth help do you think your nasty comment was?

horseygeorgie · 06/03/2016 20:15

Is he actually ok?! Is there anything else amiss in behaviour etc? Perhaps he is snappy as he is worried himself that something is wrong. Maybe you need to calmly sit down and talk to him and he needs to go to the GP. You know him best; if this is out of character then it needs looking into.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/03/2016 20:22

Re:- hot food - you can buy spoons that change colour with heat. I found them really useful when my two were little. (As sometimes food is OK on the outside and hot in the middle etc.)

Doesn't help with the other things but it may help keep ds safe.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 06/03/2016 20:25

Sorry, I hate over reactions on mumsnet, but is he thick?! It's not fucking difficult to check the temperature of something before you give it to a child. In fact, it should be second nature when they are little.

LoveBoursin · 06/03/2016 20:27

OP have you been able to talk to him? How does he explain his unusual 'I am kicking off now' reaction?

It could be because he is actually feeling really bad about having hurt his dcs and don't want anyone to remind him of it. It coud be a way to manipulate the situation so that he doesn't have to do it again (ie I do it badly AND i get aangry if I'm pulled up on it).

So, can he tell you how he is going to ensure it's not going to happen again as his way of doing things isn't working?

TrinityForce · 06/03/2016 20:31

He's fed them both too hot food/drink 2/3 times just this week?

I'd be really concerned that he's got some sort of illness coming on, that's a bit worrying to just start happening.

paxillin · 06/03/2016 20:36

You are absolutely right to voice this, first time (coffee) is careless, a mug of hot coffee is enough to burn 2/3 of a young child's skin, so this is what they call a "never event" in hospitals. Second time I agree was an accident, but to do an identical thing- that is again carelessness and not an accident.

He needs to find a way to keep his kids safe around him. Be that a thermometer or practising hot/ warm water on his skin... Not only were you NBU, you would be negligent not to confront him about it.

Dontlaugh · 06/03/2016 20:37

As someone with a family member with an actual diagnosed brain tumour, I would just like to highlight that no symptom included any of the above reactions in family members particular case.
Naturally, every patient is different, so hopefully OPs DH is not afflicted.
I imagine if he does have a brain tumour, there would be other symptoms.
But to focus on the accidents, all involving hot food and drinks, all within a short space of time and all involving his small children suggests a pattern, rather than accidents.
Were the accidents witnessed? Or reported?
Are the children verbal? Older son?

peggyundercrackers · 06/03/2016 20:39

Agree with pp who uses spoons which change colour. It's can be easy to get the temp of food wrong as it could be cool on the outside of the dish but quite hot in the middle at the bottom.

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 20:41

The spoons which change colour onlytreatrl the symptom though. They allow him to go on getting it wrong.

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 20:41

The underlying problem of him not giving enough of a shit will still be there

hellenback · 06/03/2016 20:45

He could be dyspraxic - classic clumsy/clutzy approach and this is the key his sensory skills may be a bit off - for example they don't feel pain as we do due to a mix in the message signals from pain point to brain. A good example is a child I know walking into a BBQ sustaining a burn and not flinching (on a mobile phone so distracted). They were burnt but felt little or no pain - these kids are often perceived to have a high pain tolerance. So maybe he can't judge heat like you/we do - odd I know but it could explain things...you can't cure this but you can create strategies to avoid future errors.