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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh accidentally hurting dcs

178 replies

Betternamenow · 06/03/2016 19:29

Dh is apparently very clumsy/absent minded. In the last couple of weeks he has tripped and spilt boiling coffee on ds leg, fed him food that was so hot he screamed, went red in the face and drooled everywhere, and fed dd a too hot bottle that resulted in the same reaction (screaming etc)

The first two times it happened I said nothing, accidents happen and obviously he feels bad about it. Third time I had to say something, so it was something along the lines of, 'i know accidents happen but they keep happening to you. You need to be more careful ' He kicked off big time, which is unusual for him. Said I was accusing him (as if I think he's doing it on purpose!) and basically pretty much walked out of the house, leaving me trying to calm down 2 upset dc.

I think he could be more careful, and he needs to be paying more attention, check temperature more carefully etc. Was IBU to confront him over this? Should I have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 06/03/2016 20:46

Whatever stealth...

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2016 20:48

Could he be doing this to get out of a 'chore'? You know, the way someone might mess up the laundry a few times hoping to be 'relieved' of the duty?

Fishface77 · 06/03/2016 20:51

I wouldn't be leaving him alone with the kids until this was sorted sorry.
Once is accidental, twice is daft and third time is deliberate imo. Unless there is a medical reason

NuckyT · 06/03/2016 20:52

You were absolutely not unreasonable to confront him on this, as it will encourage him to be more careful. And his reaction was childish.

But please ignore the idiots here who are accusing him of doing it deliberately - that's a disgusting thing to say.

paxillin · 06/03/2016 20:54

I agree with stealthpolarbear, it is not relevant why he keeps getting it wrong. The fact it happens over and over shows there isn't enough of a shit given. Topping it off by storming out when asked about it is not what a concerned parent does, either.

I'm sure most of us had an accident or near miss involving our kids. Feeling bad about it is normal, coming up with strategies to avoid a repeat is normal, too. Repeating something that hurt a baby before really isn't.

Dontlaugh · 06/03/2016 20:55

But please ignore the idiots here who are accusing him of doing it deliberately - that's a disgusting thing to say.
It's not disgusting, it's simply advice and experience. Can be taken or left, but is based on posters life/work/professional experience.
Suggestions of brain tumours/dyspraxia/medical cause are valid but not without a medical diagnosis. No one is calling those posters disgusting, are they?

Fishface77 · 06/03/2016 20:57

If you took your DS to a Health care facility eg, A&E this would be flagged up to social services by any sensible health care professional.

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 20:59

Peggy I mildly disagreed with you on a factual point.
Helen back surely as a grown adult he'd be aware of this and would see it as his responsibility (not his wife's ) to put strategies in place to deal with it.

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 21:00

It must be awful for him. He must majorly mess up at work time and time again.

Seryph · 06/03/2016 21:01

hellenback the more you know! Suddenly my total lack of memory as to where half my bruises come from is explained! I knew I had a "high pain tolerance" when A&E staff insisted I wasn't in enough pain with my partially dislocated shoulder to have done that, until they checked it! Grin

I will often check the kids food, decide it's fine and I would eat it like that then put it in front of them and have them scream, spit it out and look horror struck. Unfortunately this is because I'm a nanny and they got used to luke warm food with the last one, I've been steadily introducing them to normal food temperatures but some times misjudge what they are okay with.

It was an accident, one he'll probably never repeat again!

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 21:02

Dh is actually a bit like this. Left to his own devices he would forgwt/ overlook stuff. But when it matters he makes an effort and doesn't.

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 21:03

And I've scalded a child (not even my own) once and the horror has stayed with me. I won't be doing it again in this lifetime.

MinecraftyMum · 06/03/2016 21:06

I think some posts are being harsh tbh.

It's not like he's done the same thing three times is it? That would indicate neglect to me.

He's spilt a drink, fed too-hot food on a spoon and given a too-hot bottle. None are good but they could all be one offs. Accidents/temporary lapses. God knows I've done stuff before that I've then mentally kicked myself for - as has dh.

Things I can think of that we've 'done' to the dc:
Dh walking around a motorway service station with 3 year old ds2 on his shoulders. Casually strolls into the café, forgetting that the doorway is 2 foot lower, meaning ds2 faceplants the wall at a decent speed and very nearly falls backwards off his shoulders.
Me, falling over my own feet when carrying ds1 (8 months) because I was rushing...completely my fault/clumsiness. I fell with him, we both hit the floor at speed and resulted in A&E.
I clipped 6 day old ds1's arm skin into his bouncer. He screamed and was like it for at least 15 seconds as I checked him completely bemused at the sudden pitch change.
Dh kicking ds2 in the face, aged 4, whilst playing football. Just didn't see him coming.
Me, putting ds2's foot into a cup of coffee (thankfully only very warm and not scalding) aged 12 months. He was on my lap, I was sitting down and placed him on the floor to stand, right on top of where my cup of coffee was, up against the side of the chair.

I'm sure there are probably more.

If I was your dh op, i'd be kicking myself internally for being so stupid/careless and vowing to myself it wouldn't happen again. If dh then piled in and started lecturing me on how it couldn't happen again and I had to me more careful, i'd probably have a similar reaction to your dh. It would come from a feeling of guilt and feeling fucking stupid and humiliated and inadequate...if you already feel bad about something, the last thing you need is someone making you feel worse. I actually think it's quite a 'normal' reaction. Not necessarily helpful but normal enough.

duckyneedsaclean · 06/03/2016 21:07

He probably stormed out because he feels like shit. My dh is dyspraxic and often hurts the dc by accident. When I tell him he needs to be more careful he is hurt, because they are genuine accidents. I still need to remind him though, whether he gets upset or not.

Some people are clueless, but they learn eventually. Does he test the food/milk on his inner wrist or in his tongue?

MinecraftyMum · 06/03/2016 21:17

Repeating something that hurt a baby before really isn't

Am I reading a different op? Hmm

He spilled a drink.
He fed food that was too hot.
He gave a bottle that was too hot.

The second two are similar but checking the temperature of a meal and heating a bottle are 'different' IMO, not a repeat of the same error that should have been learned from iyswim.

Sounds like a bad run of things. But if he's generally a decent human being and decent father, I doubt he needs reminding by the op of how much he fucked up.

RudeElf · 06/03/2016 21:20

Could he be doing this to get out of a 'chore'?

If he is then thats vile!

paxillin · 06/03/2016 21:21

But "learn eventually" is just not an option here, is it? When, after the tenth time? Or after one of the kids had a major burn and ended up in A&E? Or maybe when they are 12 years old and test the temperature themselves?

AnyFucker · 06/03/2016 21:22

it's rather worrying that there are women here who seem quite accustomed to their partners "hurting" their children

is this a thing now ?

shazzarooney99 · 06/03/2016 21:23

This is causing harm to your child, its not clumbsy, its downright silly, and dangerous. you were right to pull him up, hes a tit for getting annoyed about it but your right, whats he going to do next put the child in a steaming hot bath and burn him?

Dontlaugh · 06/03/2016 21:25

a bad run of things that have hurt small children.
I would echo a PP, he must really fuck up at work and hurt his colleagues/boss/clients/customers on a continuous basis if he is that unheeding.

80schild · 06/03/2016 21:26

Is he tired / stressed? I can always tell when my DH is tired because he breaks things and has loads of accidents. If you are able to anticipate these sorts of things it might help.

AnyFucker · 06/03/2016 21:28

is he tired/stressed ?

what next ?

I can tell when my H is tired/stressed because he starts hurting the children....

honeyrider · 06/03/2016 21:29

He's being a negligent father and too bad if he's offended, the childrens safety should trump his feelings. Anyone can have an accident but he's repeatedly scalding and burning the children so you were right to say something.

EweAreHere · 06/03/2016 21:29

A few years ago, an acquaintance's toddler was admitted to hospital and had to have skin grafts due to hot, spilled beverage down the toddler's face and neck.

You are entitled to express some concern for repeated accidents involving hot beverages, food and, should it happen, bath water. There are some things you can be as sorry as you like for, but you can't take them back.

RudeElf · 06/03/2016 21:32

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and suggest it isnt just these 3 incidents. Id say its just the most recent ones OP can recall.