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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh accidentally hurting dcs

178 replies

Betternamenow · 06/03/2016 19:29

Dh is apparently very clumsy/absent minded. In the last couple of weeks he has tripped and spilt boiling coffee on ds leg, fed him food that was so hot he screamed, went red in the face and drooled everywhere, and fed dd a too hot bottle that resulted in the same reaction (screaming etc)

The first two times it happened I said nothing, accidents happen and obviously he feels bad about it. Third time I had to say something, so it was something along the lines of, 'i know accidents happen but they keep happening to you. You need to be more careful ' He kicked off big time, which is unusual for him. Said I was accusing him (as if I think he's doing it on purpose!) and basically pretty much walked out of the house, leaving me trying to calm down 2 upset dc.

I think he could be more careful, and he needs to be paying more attention, check temperature more carefully etc. Was IBU to confront him over this? Should I have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 22:22

Ones that cone to mind, when ds as weeks old I clipped his finger instead of his nail. Not absent mindedness, I was concentrating hard, was a bunch of nerves. I didn't realise dd put her hand in my coffer when she was tiny (that was pre scalding rhe other child ). She cried a bit but was ok.
I can't remember any others of note and they are 9 and 6

paxillin · 06/03/2016 22:23

Well, yes, if the child had the third blanket whip people would ask. As they would on the third incidence of scalding.

Notannabell · 06/03/2016 22:24

A bit odd that all the accidents involved hot food/ drink..
There are some conditions where you cannot feel if sth is to hot but tbh it's a bit odd that your HB kicked off. What is your gut feeling?

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 22:24

Tbh of I took ds to hospital with a whip mark on his face I'd expect them to ask at the first incident!

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2016 22:26

And for my response of "don't we all whip our children?" To not go down well

duckyneedsaclean · 06/03/2016 22:29

Ha, yes pax I think whip marks rank higher than food scaldings in the scale of dodgy.

paxillin · 06/03/2016 22:35

Yes, a first whip mark would absolutely look worse than a first scalding. A third scalding looks as likely an accident as a third whip mark though.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/03/2016 22:41

What steps has he taken in order to prevent this happening again.

If none then I would be incredibly concerned.

If these incidents have all occured in your company and he has the children frequently without you being around, how many incidents do you not know about.

And like it or not,you are aware of this risk,regardless of what has caused it if he will not take action to reduce the risk you need to.

Two people have PR for your shared children you and him with that comes a responsibility to protect them even if one of you had to protect them from the other.

GreatAuntAda · 06/03/2016 22:49

My DH is dyspraxic and this often manifests itself in what I would usually view as general shitness
at normal, everyday stuff

Have a read up. It helped me with understanding him (on the whole, I still get hugely frustrated). It's not limited to just clumsiness but huge problems with organising and sequencing and then an attendant sense of lack of ability and confidence, which in turn has an affect on what one would expect a usual approach or response to be

duckyneedsaclean · 06/03/2016 22:51

A third actual scalding, yes. All that's happened is the children felt their food was too hot.

(I assume the coffee episode did not result in injuries?)

NuckyT · 06/03/2016 22:57

I don't think the OP said anything about scalding at all.

Redroses11 · 06/03/2016 23:00

What sort of an (I won't say it) is he?

Lurkedforever1 · 06/03/2016 23:12

What's with all the crap explanations of why negligence is ok?

As an adult, let alone a parent, it's your duty to have strategies to manage any problems that prevent you caring for your child. Not offer it up as an excuse for negligence. There is no way I'm buying an adult father with sensory issues hasn't realised their lack of pain isn't true for the rest of the population. Or that parents with physical disabilities drop/ stand on/ fall on their dc on a regular basis and say 'never mind, my limbs don't do what my brain wants'. Or that dyspraxic parents aren't aware of their clumsiness and don't have strategies in place. Or that an exhausted ill parent regularly nods off while their 12 month old plays on the stairs citing 'tired' as a reason it can't be helped. Same as every parent, none of us are perfect, but none negligent parents learn from a mistake and therefore avoid repeating it. Not act like its not their fault.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2016 23:51

fed him food that was so hot he screamed, went red in the face and drooled everywhere

I agree with MistressDeeCee.

What is his plan for avoidance of injuring his children in the future?
Not your plan to supervise him. Not your rules for future carefulness with food. Not your intention to scold him after the fact.

And if he has some sort of dyspraxia, how does it manifest itself in the 90% of life that is not childcare?

Please pay attention to the 'Said I was accusing him' part of your report of the conversation you had.

kawliga · 07/03/2016 00:14

I think you should have said something the first time, and the second time. Since you know he is absent-minded. I would have said something the very first time. Yes, it's an accident, but you have to say something even if it's an accident!! You can't just say nothing just because it's an accident and he feels bad. Don't you have consequences for your dc if they spill their food, break their toys, lose their things at school, etc, even though it's an accident and they feel bad? Do police let you off for crashing into someone with your car if you say that it's obviously an accident and you feel bad?

Not saying shout at him or tell him off. But saying nothing is not the only other option. It should have been talked about the very first time. By saying nothing the first time, then the second time, the stage was set for it to happen again.

How can you be silent when your dc are screaming with red faces and drooling? Deal with the dc then: 'let's talk about what happened today'. No need to tell him off assuming he isn't thick and can figure out for himself what he should have done/should do in future. You are his partner, not his mother.

Redroses11 · 07/03/2016 00:36

Kawliga - the problem is that he can't seem to figure out what he should have done/do in the future. I would seriously tell him to grow up and come back when he has.

Stanky · 07/03/2016 02:26

Oh god, I remember ds1 rolling off the sofa onto the floor as a baby, and I once accidentally bashed his head on a door frame as I carried him through. I felt awful. I also once tripped and fell down the stairs carrying him, but I did manage to hold him up out of harm's way, and take the hit myself.

kawliga · 07/03/2016 02:29

I left dd in the bath on her own from when she was very young. Nothing bad happened, but when I joined MN I discovered that this is a very dangerous thing to do and has ended badly for many families. It is only sheer good luck that I never had an accident with that. We all make mistakes. But feeding the dc food hot enough to make them scream and turn red and drool is something else, especially when it happens repeatedly. At least it merited a discussion.

Redroses11 · 07/03/2016 02:36

The worst one ever was when I swung open the door only to floor baby on other side. Never recovered from that one. I learned though! DH in this case hasn't learned.

Sprink · 07/03/2016 03:08

Hey, hang on! Why is it okay for all the mums to joke-confess about mistakes but OP's guy has been labelled everything from tumour-ridden Hmm to sinister Shock?

And why don't people just RTFT? These incidents weren't in one week, they were over "a couple of weeks". (Okay, that doesn't make much difference. Weak point.)

But there's a reference to DCs (plural) and no mention of him being careless/clumsy/useless/negligent/abusive (choose your adjective!) with the other child. No one has mentioned that.

Also, the OP said it was "unusual" for him to react the way he did. Shouldn't we take that at face value?

MNers, I feel as though I'm at a film premiere, because there's a lot of projection in the responses to this post. Dang, y'all.

Redroses11 · 07/03/2016 03:16

Because we don't repeat the same mistake twice let alone thrice.

Sprink · 07/03/2016 04:02

Hmmm...not sure. Would like to hear back from the OP if she's had another conversation about this.

This is definitely a "not enough information" thread.

Original poster
Betternamenow · 07/03/2016 07:12

Feel offended on behalf of dh that people think he's doing it on purpose. No doubt in my mind that this isn't the case.

Looked at dyspraxic symptoms; he definitely doesn't have this.

I don't think I can give any more information, not hiding anything. We haven't talked about it again, as I really do think that would be pushing it. They were absolutely accidents and I know he feels bad. I really don't think he'll let it happen again.

I do now, however, not feel bad about talking to him about it as I did, which is why I posted in the first place. So thanks for all replies.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/03/2016 07:14

Why did you feel bad about talking to him about it?

Original poster
Betternamenow · 07/03/2016 07:21

Felt bad because accidents can happen to anyone, felt like I was kicking him when he was down iykwim.

OP posts: