To demand my money back, complain or something?

[Leta86]

So, I'm blessed with an amazing MIL, who had a really tough winter with PIL being poorly, in and out of the hospital, even touch and go at one moment. To treat her, DP and I decided to take her to this venue for Mother's day, really excellent ratings, but also $$$. We saved for a bit, skipped a visit to my parents (another country) and finally managed it. The look on her face when we told her made it all worthwile in itself, cos she wanted to go there for years, she even got her hair done for it yesterday!
Anyway, we trooped in at the set time and even got the window table, MIL was on cloud number 9. The entrees were a bliss, but the another family got sat next to us.
The man, who was the presumed head of the family was an extremely loud, rude, obnoxious and rude, to the point of telling everyone where to sit, what to order and making himself a nightmare to the staff. On the end of the table was this frail little granny, obviously near 100, very scared and dementef. I'm quite certain she had absolutely no idea where she was, kept whimpering and appeared scared witless whenever the waitress adressed her. I don't think her son/grandson or whatever saw her more than once or twice per year as his wife kept hissing at him that she doesn't remembef this or has had done that. That was alll still bearable, until the gran (I don't blame her) got her food and this ended all over and around her face, clothes and wheelchair... at which point the man started actually berating her like a toddler... we were absolutelly shocked! And on top of that, just before we got our main course, the gran made a very full use of what I hope was her diaper. The stench was unbeliveable!!! We took one look at eacb other, got up and left, eve if everything was pre-paid. Ended up having toasties in local costa. I was absolutely fuming and so so sorry for my MIL, who had dissapointment written all over her face! I am still raging while I'm writing this!!!

Poor, poor lady How undignifying. I truly hope that she was not able to understand the effect of her bodily functions on other guests. Dementias are so very cruel.

I am not sure where the duty lies. I think it was probably a terrible day for the venue as well as the OP. Should they be held to account for taking a booking from a less-than-polite man? I really think they were damned if they did, damned if they didn't - can you imagine the Daily Mail sad face article that would follow being asked to leave because of your Mum's dementia?

I'm not excusing the man's behaviour, but it's worth remembering that Dementia is one of those diseases that makes people grieve before their relative is dead. What looked like anger and bad behaviour could easily have been the outworking of grief -it doesn't come neatly packaged.

Oh expat, you're so right...and she might have been terrified at being taken to a strange place....which now makes me wonder if it's worth reporting to social services after all....

Phequer you are right, someone who is incontinent should be able to choose to go out and enjoy life as much as anyone else, and that includes going to resturants etc

However from the op's description this poor lady did not have the capacity to make that choice, she was frightened and distressed, this was not an enjoyable experience for her, her family or other people.

The obnoxious man in this case had not taken this lady out for her benefit, who knows maybe it was to make him feel better, it smacks of look at how good I am

My grandmother was a lovely sociable lady, she was always immaculately dressed and took great pride in her appearance. In her later years she suffered from dementia and parkinsons, we didn't take her out to restaurants , not because we wanted to hide her away or because we were ashamed of her, far from it, but we knew that somewhere was that beautiful proud lady who would have absolutely hated the idea of people looking at her when she maybe spilled her food or messed herself.

If you're still here op, I would contact the restaurant and say what a big deal the visit was for your family - how much you initially enjoyed it, and how disappointed you were with the outcome. It was clearly a difficult situation and maybe they will offer you a goodwill gesture.

I have had many extended family meals out at restaurants, with my cousin (quite severely disabled), babies, children and elderly relatives. We always go somewhere we can have a private room as we know the havoc we can create.
I think this family were inconsiderate to other diners and insensitive to the "gran's" needs. Poor lady.

Silverbirchwithout hit the nail on the head. I don't think there is anything to be gained from a ranty complaint, you'll just make them glad they don't have to have you as clients. Much better to be factual, understanding, polite, complimentary etc, this will always reap better treatment. It wasn't their fault, but they will want to keep nice polite pleasant customers happy. Stroppy people who make unreasonable complaints will be something they will happily go without, especially people who threaten to bad mouth them on social media. ( someone's very poor advice)

Report to social services?! Why do MNers think that reporting to the authorities is be all and end all?

"Elderly lady in wheelchair got shouted at by grumpy relative on Mother's Day in Posh Nosh restaurant, Hampshire"! What exactly are they going to do with that random piece of information?! Nobody will even know how to record it!

And be sure to use the correct wording, entree is the main course, you don't want to cause confusion by making it sound like you had eaten the majority of the meal when this happened.

Elder Abuse is not taken very seriously at all. People report things even less than the things they see with children being abused. We all hear cases where abuse has continued because a report was not taken seriously and acted upon.
Social Services would be able to contact the establishment to see if there are any contact details for the party.
It is wrong to abuse anyone be it wife or partner or child or old person. Old people are susceptible to financial abuse because they generally have far more money than children.
Elder abuse (like all abuse) needs to be stopped. Taking advantage of an elderly demented lady is just not what I find acceptable

What shouldn't be happening is the threats to call social services

This isn't about you. I am very sorry for your loss, but you seem to think that pps' concerns about the poor woman in the OP being abused are a reflection on the way you cared for your mother.

And you seem to see involving social services as punishing carers, rather than an attempt to save an older person from abuse. Are you against reporting child abuse too, in case it upsets the abuser? This family sound extremely stressed - some support from social services could avoid things getting really out of hand.

Only the OP knows whether the man's behaviour was extreme enough to warrant a call to social services. But abusive behaviour in public tends to be the tip of the iceberg. OP, if you are concerned, you can ring this helpline.

OP. If you upped and left then they are expecting your call/letter. I promise. You know when a customer walks out and why. I would be surprised if they haven't already worked out what they will offer when you contact them.

Where did you go? I'm desperate to know! (Took DH to a holiday priced restaurant recently too but our experience was divine thankfully)

Phalenopsisgirl, entree is the first course, or starter.

I would imagine that if others left the restaurant during their meals too, they will have several other complaints . presumably the waiting staff would nitice the smell too?
Just phone them and ask if you could have your meal another time, or a refund for the main course and dessert.

nitice?
Notice.

Entree means starter/1st course in the UK and France but - confusingly- the main course in the US.

I think the OP may be American due to the use of the word diaper in the original post.

Yep that was my assumption too

Also the use of $$$

I'm confused, OP uses $$$ and diapers but speaks of going to Costa and celebrating Mother's Day. No Costa in the US as far as I'm aware, and Mother's day is later in the year in the US.

The OP could be American but living in the UK? Anyway not sure that's important here, OP if I were you I would phone the restaurant and explain the situation. Let them know you were unable to enjoy most of your pre-paid meal, and ask them if there is anyway you would be able to re-book or get your money back.

It's no-one's fault, but it's absolutely not acceptable for a restaurant - ANY restaurant, whether is MacDonalds or the Ritz - to be smelling of shit.

I would give them a ring sooner rather than later, whilst the incident is still fresh in their minds.

Yes of course, it wasn't Mother's Day in usa so must have been uk, silly me, I stand corrected.

All very unfortunate. Sounds to me like the "obnoxious man" was trying to do a good thing, but unaware or in denial about how it was all likely to play out, and then tried to assert control over the situation in all the wrong ways. My guess would be that he doesn't see his DM/MIL/DGM or whatever all that often, or it would never have happened. Seems unlikely to be a SS matter, unless she was living with them and this was typical. Otherwise just a big family cock-up that disrupted everyone around them. I'm afraid there are always loads of ways that a big expensive day out can go horribly wrong (travelling problems, illness, yours & other people's...). It's always more of a risk than a lower-key event, though worth it if it all goes smoothly. But did the restaurant handle it well? Not especially - which means some hope of reparation. I'd say, go for it. Maybe something can still be retrieved.

Hope you get a refund or another meal OP