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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dp is being a twat?

128 replies

holdmybeer · 05/03/2016 17:33

Ds 1(4) struggles emotionally, he doesn't listen, gets upset easily and is prone to tantrums. No special needs, just an emotionally immature 4 year old.

From the minute he got up this morning dp (not his dad) has been laying into him "don't do that" and dishing out empty threats "we'll cancel the holiday" (in a couple of weeks time)

AIBU to want a more positive approach such as "why don't we try this?" and that any consequences should be immediate and realistic and if possible relate to the issue in hand?

We've had a terrible day with ds 1 culminating in a 40 minute tantrum trying to get him out of the supermarket and into the car, not helped by dp and his constant tirade of negativity.

I make no excuses for ds's behaviour. It is frustrating as hell but he's 4, how does focusing his attention on what he's not to do help?!

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 05/03/2016 17:38

Forty minutes from supermarket to car?!! That's outrageous and I don't think your approach is towards your son is as firm as it could be!

Re the new man if it was during this time he was saying these things then I would cut him some slack

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 05/03/2016 17:41

Fourth minutes to get from the supermarket to the car park!! I'd have picked him up and carried him straight out. A four year old having that kind of tantrum needs strong parenting and boundaries.

I'm not surprised he is trying to get rid of the bad behaviour, laid back parenting doesn't seem to be working.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2016 17:43

40 minutes??

Fuck that. He would have been tucked under my arm and carried out in less than 4 Grin

RubbleBubble00 · 05/03/2016 17:43

sounds the same as my middle child and dp is very negative too. We use 1,2,3 magic to quite good effect as cuts out negative tirades. sit down and agree set punishments - we use time outs or time taken off bedtime

gamerchick · 05/03/2016 17:45

Why did it take that long? Pick him up and carry him, job done.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 05/03/2016 17:45

Yes your dp was being a twat. Is he a parent? I ask because I'm wondering if he has no experience with children and that's why he didn't know how to react?

How long have you been together?

I think you should bring this up calmly with dp and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know. He's either going to blame ds for his behaviour, you for not controlling the behaviour or admit he didn't know what to do. OR he's going to approach it like a team player, work with you to come up with a strategy / things to try in future and apologise for being an arse.

Good luck OP

Heirhelp · 05/03/2016 17:45

You need to be on the same page. Can you speak to HV about both your and dp going on a parenting course together?

RubbleBubble00 · 05/03/2016 17:46

and I was found sitting on the floor of an isle in tescos last week as ds had partially trashed a display - he had lost control completely so sat him on my lap with bear hug until he calmed down and wouldn't let him go until he had calmed down. I had my other children with me so carrying ds out wasn't an option but you know what it worked. After 10mins he was calm, said sorry and put the display right. We all left a bit happier.

Original poster
holdmybeer · 05/03/2016 17:48

Oh he was picked up and carried to the car, but then we had the battle of trying to get him in his car seat. Alternating between rigidity and going limp. Not helped by the fact it was a busy car park and there had been no p&c spaces when we'd arrived so we were sandwiched between 2 cars in a tight spot.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 05/03/2016 17:50

40 minutes?

He's not 'emotionally immature' he's acting bratty.

Original poster
holdmybeer · 05/03/2016 17:57

Ds2 is dp's but not old enough for tantrums yet and is a much calmer being than ds1 ever was!

We've been together since ds1 was a baby and prior to ds2's arrival was great with my eldest. He used to be so patient and would find inventive new ways to distract him avoiding the tantrum and remind him of rewards for good behaviour if he showed signs of one. I think that's why I'm so upset at the lack of consistency!

OP posts:
FigMango1 · 05/03/2016 17:57

'emotionally immature 4 year old.'

No he's just being a naughty child who knows how to work you. I don't blame your dp, sounds like you are soft and allow your ds too much leeway in his behaviour.

"why don't we try this?"

Sounds like you want everyone to pander to him.

decisionsdecisions123 · 05/03/2016 18:01

No special needs? he's just being a pain because he knows how to work you. Put your foot down more. Teachers at school must find it all very tiring (sorry). I imagine your DP has had enough of it all too by now.

Original poster
holdmybeer · 05/03/2016 18:01

He was being a brat. I make no excuses for his behaviour but I think dp's behaviour prolonged things rather than resolving it.

When ds calmed down I asked him why he had got upset and it was because he had wanted to help put the shopping on the checkout but dp wouldn't let him as he was taking too long... 40 minutes later we left the car park thanks for that dp! Pick your battles!!!

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 05/03/2016 18:05

I completely agree about issuing empty threats, it's useless and immature.

How frequent are the tantrums and is his behaviour usually good if immature? Most children do respond well to positive reinforcement. Trying to reason with a tantrum mind child of any age is useless, it's like talking when someone has a hurricane blowing in their head...beyond discussion or reason. Your DP needs to listen to you as the parent and respect your way of dealing with your son. If he refuses I would be wary.

Lastly, I had a screamer. One who couldn't be left at playgroup, cried at school for a full year and refused any babysitter. He's now 25, hasn't had a tantrum for about 19 years, became wonderfully confident and self assured and generally all round fab. Keep consistent and keep the faith. Flowers

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/03/2016 18:07

Hi op

I wonder if he's playing up cause of new sibling and being pounced on by your partner, he's 4 he's copying behaviour and isn't happy. He's a small child being bossed around by a large male adult, I wonder if he's sensing the disparity in how he deals with both kids.

TendonQueen · 05/03/2016 18:08

Sorry, but that is making excuses for him. You're blaming your DP's response for the massive tantrum. I agree with you that threatening to cancel to holiday isn't sensible, but you seem set on excusing every tantrum somehow.

ProfGrammaticus · 05/03/2016 18:09

You're right, empty threats are counter productive. And so is negativity.

FigMango1 · 05/03/2016 18:10

When ds calmed down I asked him why he had got upset and it was because he had wanted to help put the shopping on the checkout but dp wouldn't let him as he was taking too long

Well your dp seems to have a very valid reason there and thankfully didn't allow him to in consideration for the other people waiting. I can see why your dp has no patience. Sorry but you need to work on your ds by being more firm and not allowing him to have his way whenever he wants.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/03/2016 18:12

Do you think your dp's behaviour has changed because he has his own ds now?

Sallystyle · 05/03/2016 18:13

Neither of you seem to be dealing with it very well. Your dp is probably trying to do what he thinks will work the same as you are.

You need to sit down with him and think of ways you will deal with his behaviour in future and then you both need to be on the same page and work together. If you don't want him to do any of the discipline then that needs to be made clear too, but if you are allowing him to take on an active parenting role then you need to be on the same page.

It sounds very difficult but it sounds like you are both just trying to do what you think will work when you actually need a clear plan going forward Thanks

decisionsdecisions123 · 05/03/2016 18:13

it could be that he is playing up because of the new sibling but if he has always been prone to this type of behaviour then I imagine that's just the way he is. Its because you have always allowed it, always tried to work around him and distract him and think of ways to get him into a more positive mood. He's been in charge really and he's only 4. He doesn't like that someone is saying enough is enough and he is reacting to it. But the point is that he needs to realise that sometimes enough is enough and if he is asked to stop packing the shopping because its taking too long then he just needs to accept that. It will help him in the long run to realise that the world doesn't revolve around him ( I say that to be kind though I'm sure it doesn't read that way!).

Original poster
holdmybeer · 05/03/2016 18:21

His tantrums are fortunately few and far between these days, this is only the second serious one I can recall in the last 3 months and the first in several weeks. They used to be a daily occurrence and the supermarket was always a known trigger. I have worked hard on strategies to deal with this, he needs clear direction and likes routine, being told he couldn't put 'his' items (maybe 2 items at most) on the checkout was more than he could manage.

OP posts:
BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 05/03/2016 18:22

I'll no doubt get flamed for this, but dare I say, he needs a smacked bottom and a stern "No".

Tantrums at 4? He'll be starting school this year. What then? You're in for a life time of trouble if you don't firm up.

At 4 years old, he should know how to behave and the consequences of bad behaviour.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/03/2016 18:24

I don't think it would have killed dp to let ds put two items on the checkout but he's probably sick of pandering to your child.