to think dp is being a twat?

[holdmybeer]

Ds 1(4) struggles emotionally, he doesn't listen, gets upset easily and is prone to tantrums. No special needs, just an emotionally immature 4 year old.

From the minute he got up this morning dp (not his dad) has been laying into him "don't do that" and dishing out empty threats "we'll cancel the holiday" (in a couple of weeks time)

AIBU to want a more positive approach such as "why don't we try this?" and that any consequences should be immediate and realistic and if possible relate to the issue in hand?

We've had a terrible day with ds 1 culminating in a 40 minute tantrum trying to get him out of the supermarket and into the car, not helped by dp and his constant tirade of negativity.

I make no excuses for ds's behaviour. It is frustrating as hell but he's 4, how does focusing his attention on what he's not to do help?!

[DoreenLethal]

To be fair, if someone had already told me that day that they had cancelled my holiday I'd be a bit fucking mardy in a supermarket. And I'm 48.

[xenapants]

And I rather pity you for your namby pamby approach, Nicki, especially if you let your children walk all over you as this woman so obviously does. I also pity you for your lack of comprehension skills and frankly your lack of ability to read, since when did I ever advocate hurting a child?

The child is on the constant end of pick pick pick from his stepdad because he's badly behaved and the mother refuses to discipline him, it's really that simple. And I bet she's the kind of mother who won't let her partner discipline him either because "he's not his real dad".

[xenapants]

As for telling me to give it a rest, Nicki, I kindly suggest you piss off and mind your own business. This is a discussion forum and I am entitled to express my opinion in response to other peoples' posts. If you don't like it, don't answer me or stop throwing your ridiculous views on parenting at me, but you have no right to try to silence me. Who the hell do you think you are - Mumsnet queen bee?

[NickiFury]

"And I bet she's the kind of mother who won't let her partner discipline him either because "he's not his real dad".

see its this kind of statement that means I just can't take you seriously. You've just taken the OP and let your imagination run riot haven't you? Throughout this thread, you've just added your own little frilly bits and assumptions and downright fiction to what the OP has actually posted. So determined are you to make the narrative fit Xena's narrow viewpoint.

Oh and FYI both my children have autism and other significant additional needs but see the assumptions you made there about me and how I must parent anyway?

You actually seem quite unable to assimilate further information given or even to discuss it sensibly which makes continuing to address you feel rather pointless for me. I know people like that in RL and I just tend to ignore them tbh.

[NickiFury]

Oh and agree, you certainly are "entitled" to express your opinion. If only it was actually about this thread and situation and not the one in your imagination.

[witsender]

I still think Yanbu, he sounds like a twat, picking on a 4 yr old regardless of the latter's behaviour. And I also stand by my assessment of him as a newish partner if the child is 4 and the OP was single for a few years before being with him. That is a lot of change for a very young child in a short period, and a new father figure who now has his own child (arrival of a younger sibling is a huge deal) and sounds hugely intolerant.

[ClopySow]

Doreen

Genuine guffaw

[DontMindMe1]

what was the OP doing when her dh was apparently 'nit picking' at her ds 'all day'?

easy to lay blame on others for your own ineffectual parenting

[NickiFury]

Oh she was probably lying on the sofa with a cocktail . Or maybe she was caring for her baby? Or maybe she was trying to let her DP "parent and discipline" her four year old like so many on here have ordered her to?

[HisBowtieIsReallyACamera]

OP, I can't believe all these posts supporting your DP and calling you too soft!
My DS1 is 3 and can work himself up into terrible tantrums sometimes. My DH often used to make it worse by raising his voice and making threats to the point where he would back himself into a corner and not be able to back down. If I tried to intervene to help him, he took it as criticism of his parenting and it made him angry with me too. However, at a calmer time I pointed out that I wasn't criticising him or trying to undermine him - I had learned the hard way that the approach he takes makes matters worse (having done it myself!). A quiet, firm but neutral voice and a hug to help DS1 calm down works best. He only gets his own way if he asks nicely without whining, crying or shouting. And "pick your battles" is definitely one of our catchphrases! Rushing him always ends up with tasks actually taking more time. And on a practical note - online delivery means groceries can arrive at your house for as little as £1 delivery charge, totally worth it

[DontMindMe1]

op never mentioned anything about intervening and trying to sort it out. you know - it is possible to speak out loud whilst looking after a baby - especially if you're in the same room or within hearing distance of what's going on

she said his way of 'doing things' is not how she thinks is best - at what point during this alleged day long nit picking-fest did she actually DO anything about it?

[NickiFury]

Well we don't know do we and we probably won't get to what with all the posts telling her what a shit parent she is and what a horrible brat her child is.

[DontMindMe1]

well the truth hurts sometimes.......but everyone is capable of learning something new if they just push past the ego

[wiltingfast]

No more than the child, some constructive intervention would be a lot more useful than the ridiculous blasting the OP on this thread got.

[NickiFury]

Oh for crying out loud YOU don't know WHAT "the truth" is. What a ridiculous thing to say. Nothing you say about this situation can be The Truth because you don't actually know anything that allows you to make a statement about this situation based on certain knowledge. All you have is an opinion based on a snapshot of someone's life.

You're another one just making it up as you go along aren't you?

[Jw35]

Wouldn't it be great if everyone just posted once their opinion and stopped arguing with other people's?

[NickiFury]

And wouldn't it be great if posters stopped making stuff up and then using it to attack the OP? And even better, wouldn't it be great if posters, were, you know, actually supportive and kind to a struggling OP?

[NickiFury]

Let's not address each other anymore then. I've made you look silly enough for one night. Maybe though you could try being a bit kinder and less judgmental next time you post on someone's thread and then hopefully you won't drive them off with no decent advice.

[DontMindMe1]

sounds like you're investing waaay too much energy into this Nicky

you're happy to believe you know the truth and pass judgement on the dp but no one else can? i think you need to get over yourself and chill out

[inlovewithhubby]

I'm normally in the xena camp on liberal parenting but OP's situation is a bit more complicated - step parent plus new baby, plus different parenting styles, plus (no doubt) the usual trials of a new baby and no sleep - everything's changed for everyone and no one is coping.

Smalllegs/eggs' post was beautiful - I really hope the op reads that as it's gentle and constructive, just what they all need.

[NickiFury]

I think it was you actually that was claiming to be telling "The Truth" about this situation that none of us actually know that much about. I just gave an opinion.

To tell you "The Truth" now though, I can't really see the value in further engaging with any more discussion with you or others like you. I've said all I want to and hopefully the OP will have seen that we don't all just want to Tell Her Off As This is AIBU So I Can Be As Rude As I Want fashion. Shame she's gone really, hope she come back or maybe posts in Relationships and gets more decent and supportive responses than many of the ones she got here.

[DontMindMe1]

oh Nicky you really need to get a life....

[NanaNina]

Don't know if OP is still about - haven't read the entire thread but apparently the DP has become less tolerant of the 4 year old since his own child came along. That's SO tough on the 4 year old, and it's still very young and as someone said of course he's emotionally mature - how could a 4 year old be anything else.

I don't like the sound of DP and his picking on his step son - and I'm not sure how he tackled the incident in the supermarket but I think OP said it was the way he tackled it that prolonged it. I think DP was bringing up the misdeeds in the morning and the consequences. This sounds to me like bullying. OP I think you need to get this sorted soon rather than later unless you want your son growing up with emotional difficulties. Just from the little you've said I'd be worried e.g. he hit another child at school and had "time out" and this was dealt with at home too." OMG 4 year old hits another kid - happens on a fairly regular basis and I wonder how it was dealt with at home. That wasn't necessary - he'd been punished at school - end of matter.

Totally agree with you Nicki and Xena you are quite rude and I think you have misread the situation.

[anklebitersmum]

You and DP need to get your joint parenting style sorted. Sit down and discuss how he sees things and how you see things and come up with an approach that suits both of you before it's even worse than it is already.

Your children deserve to have parents that are on the same page with discipline and support each other. Not undermining each other in front of the children must be rule number one.

It amazes me that couples talk about whether they're going to have children, where to live, where to school and yet never have a conversation about how they're going to parent. It's like they expect to automatically be in sync with each other as regards parenting styles just because they're in a relationship.

What I think about the mechanics of how you and your DP are parenting or who is 'right' is unimportant.

What is important is that you can not continue to pull in opposite directions on the behaviour/consequences front. Over coddling is equally as bad as over threatening and just as harmful to a child's development.

If you're stuck starting a conversation without pointing fingers at each other try watching a few Supernanny episodes, discuss what you both think does or doesn't work and go from there.