to think dp is being a twat?

[holdmybeer]

Ds 1(4) struggles emotionally, he doesn't listen, gets upset easily and is prone to tantrums. No special needs, just an emotionally immature 4 year old.

From the minute he got up this morning dp (not his dad) has been laying into him "don't do that" and dishing out empty threats "we'll cancel the holiday" (in a couple of weeks time)

AIBU to want a more positive approach such as "why don't we try this?" and that any consequences should be immediate and realistic and if possible relate to the issue in hand?

We've had a terrible day with ds 1 culminating in a 40 minute tantrum trying to get him out of the supermarket and into the car, not helped by dp and his constant tirade of negativity.

I make no excuses for ds's behaviour. It is frustrating as hell but he's 4, how does focusing his attention on what he's not to do help?!

[ClopySow]

He's 4. 4 year olds can behave unreasonably. However i think most people would eventually lose it if they were getting constant negativity from one of their parents.

You need to step in and protect your kid from your partners constant negativity. Imagine how hard it is for a 4 year old to understand why someone who has previously been good with him is now being shitty with them. I reckon i might throw a tantrum in those circumstances but i expect that makes me a brat too.

[mumoseven]

I'm quite tired of being kicked and thumped by other peoples children at work! (I work in a school)I blame poor boundaries, inconsistencies in consequences and some parents' dislike of being the bad guy. We can work on them at school of course, but often I see our 6 hours of calm but firm boundaries undone in 15 mins on the way home, when junior kicks off

[Justsaynonow]

Your ds sounds similar to mine at that stage, complete with people saying "he should know how to behave by that age". An online forum friend introduced me to the spirited child theory. It's not so much to give a label, but to give parenting approaches/techniques to dealing with a kid that's "more-so" than other kids who do what they're told most of the time, when given appropriate directions and consequences.

Spirited is a nicer way of saying difficult :-), and parents of these kids need some hands on guidance and reassurance that, even though they're trying all the stuff in the regular parenting books, and the child's behaviour is still incurring the glares of judgement from other moms, there is a way to help modify the behaviour. www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-spirited-child.htm

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, and The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene were oft used resources in our house, and helped me convince my dh to try new techniques, when he was failing spectacularly trying the same parenting approach that had worked with our first (our first was pretty easy, so ds was a shock). One of the theories that made the most sense to me was that the behaviour was result of a developmental delay in the areas of frustration tolerance and flexibility, which included difficulty with change.

A now-funny-but-horrifying-at-the-time example was when we decided to surprise the kids with a trip to Disneyland. DS was 6. We told them at the airport, and I was videoing. The other 2 kids were thrilled (aged 8 &4). Ds looked horrified (he'd already been repeatedly asking to get back to school for gym time), screamed "I'm NOT GOING", and took off running through the crowded airport with me in hot pursuit. Took him about 40 minutes to calm down, then he casually asked to use my phone to tell his friend the news. I was ready to hit the duty free and chug a bottle. I don't know what I was thinking -I knew he couldn't handle surprises well. A few years later he told me he thought he was ready to handle another surprise trip, if we wanted to plan one. I said "not in this lifetime".

I know you have your hands full, but it might be worth having a look at these authors. And I'll add my vote to the "hitting doesn't work" side.

[Hissy]

So op, you believe this:


From the minute he got up this morning dp (not his dad) has been laying into him "don't do that" and dishing out empty threats "we'll cancel the holiday" (in a couple of weeks time)

Somehow contributed to/resulted in this:

We've had a terrible day with ds 1 culminating in a 40 minute tantrum trying to get him out of the supermarket and into the car, not helped by dp and his constant tirade of negativity.

And you believe your dp behaviour has changed towards ds1 since you had dp's child?

Tackle this NOW!

Yes the 4yo needs to behave better, but if you are irrationally being verbally poked and jabbed all morning for no reason, and then want to to do something but are told no, no and no, you're going to lose patience.

You are intimating that your dp goaded your son into this somehow and if this is allowed to continue, there will be horrifying favouritism

This change in behaviour is common, not widespread, not accepted, but I know it goes on. You have to bring it up and stop it.

I'd suggest you have a quiet conversation away from the dc asap and ask if DP would like it if the roles were reversed and someone was treating his son like this.

Agree that the tantrums must be tackled, but together and on the same page. The goading must stop.

[xenapants]

ds is pulled up on his behaviour and receives apropriate rewards and consequences

Clearly not often enough and not as appropriately as you think if a 4 year old is throwing a 40-minute paddy in a supermarket because he's not allowed to put something on the checkout. I expect your partner is sick of his behaviour and rightly so.

[Duckdeamon]

But the context is that the DP was telling the DC off all day long.

[NickiFury]

Xena you've talked utter crap throughout this thread. Go and parent your own children in this ridiculously harsh fashion that you advocate and stop trying to encourage others to be as authoritarian and punitive as you clearly are.

[Jw35]

I'll no doubt get flamed for this, but dare I say, he needs a smacked bottom and a stern "No".

Agree!

[NickiFury]

The thickness on this thread beggars belief honestly.

[Jw35]

xena is speaking total sense!

[NickiFury]

No she isn't and I was talking about you too. You're advocating the hurting of a four year old that is clearly being relentlessly nit picked at by his step father now that is own PFB has arrived. Thankfully there a number of rather more sensible posters on here who have the measure of it.

[Figgygal]

I have a spirited 4 year old but to be honest he hasn't behaved like this in probably a year fighting him into a car seat probably stopped at 2.

It sounds like there maybe inconsistencies in yours and OH approach to parenting which is confusing him and leading to some of this could you try parenting classes like suggested up thread?

[theycallmemellojello]

I think you and your DH need to be on the same page. It's not surprising your DH's discipline doesn't work if you are calling him a twat for it.

[goldensquirrel]

Yes, I agree with Nicki again- outstandingly unimaginative and thick responses from some. My Mother used to be a special needs teacher and without question the children who had the most problems emotionally and lacked self-control were those with parents that smacked, we're cold and punitive with their discipline techniques. Overall they were very negative people that just could not see how their approach was the cause of most of their childrens' problems. I can't believe a teacher on this thread believes that children who are not treated like this are the cause of all their woes in the classroom- I would imagine it's quite the opposite!

[xenapants]

Oh bless you, NickyFury. I'm not the one with a 4-year old who throws 40-minute tantrums when he should have been taught better by now, so I venture to suggest that you, and all the other "there there, don't do that dear" parents on this thread are the ones talking crap.

Barring special needs, which it is not stated this child has, there is absolutely no excuse for allowing a 4-year old to throw a 40 minute tantrum in public and no excuse for having parented him so poorly in the first place that he's still doing it at the age of four. "Spirited children", my arse. It's a euphemism for "badly behaved, naughty and poorly parented".

[Hissy]

Why did you only read what you wanted to read in the op xena? There is more to this. The tantrum wasn't out of the blue

[Jw35]

I don't smack my kids Nicky but I don't have issues like this, this behaviour is ridiculous for a 4 year old which is why I agreed with the previous poster. The point is when behaviour is that far gone, desperate measures are all you have left. Softly softly won't change anything.

[xenapants]

I did read the OP, Hissy. I also read the OP's further responses. Did you? A précis: The child had a tantrum because the stepfather wouldn't let him unload the shopping onto the belt because it was taking too long. The OP's response to that was that the stepfather should "pick his battles".

These people took a badly behaved child with a known trigger of supermarkets to a supermarket on a Saturday, the busiest day of the week (why? Why didn't one of them stay home with the kids while the other shopped?) The child then decided he wanted to load his items onto the checkout. The stepfather rightly said no. It's the busiest day of the week and there's no place for "helpful children" holding everyone up at the checkout, thank you. The child then had a 40 minute paddy in response to being told he couldn't do something. A four year old. It's absolutely pathetic.

The father behaved correctly, as far as I can see. The mother, on the other hand, is pandering to the whims of a badly behaved and poorly disciplined four year old, yet thinks her DP is the "twat". What does that tell you?

I suggest she takes off her rose tinted spectacles regards her child, learns to discipline him correctly, and recognise that her DP has probably had it up to here with her child's bad behaviour.

[DoreenLethal]

It is interesting how the OP's partner is verbally relentless against a 4 year old but it's all the 4 year old's fault when he is upset later in the day.

Amazeballs. I want what alot of you are smoking as you seem to have lost grasp of reality.

[wiltingfast]

Plus, the outburst clearly isn't a result of "softly softly" given the dp had in fact being practicing his "firm measures" routine all day

[NickiFury]

xena. I am sure that you do have exceptionally compliant children but I don't think it's because you're as good a parent as you think you are. I form this opinion from the limited, harsh and punitive views of small children and their behaviour that you express here on this thread. For example hurting them physically being the key.

I'm thinking you lack comprehension skills at best and have very little emotional intelligence at worst as your synopsis of the OP seems to have more missed out the rather more sensitive details in the OP and subsequent posts that show some indication of why this child is behaving like this. I rather pity you for that tbh.

Thankfully our knowledge of children and their emotional development and how it manifests itself in their behaviour has moved on somewhat and luckily the majority of intelligent adults with responsibility for young children are more educated that you seem to be.

You've posted repetitively on this thread expressing your horror and disapproval at this child's behaviour. WE GET IT. How about you give it a rest now because your enthusiasm in slagging this child and his mother off is actually coming across as rather odd tbh.

[Spandexpants007]

The tantrum probably wasn't about the supermarket at all. The supermarket was just the straw that broke the camels back. The poor child has been on the end of constant pick pick picking from his step dad. No wonder he couldn't cope.

[missymayhemsmum]

Clearly you and your dp have different parenting styles and neither is really working.
I'll probably get shouted down for this but why don't you ask your health visitor to sit down with the pair of you (but without ds) and help you work out some strategies that you can both apply consistently? Also, to suggest some information/literature/ online courses on child development that will help you both but particularly your dp as he hasn't been on the same learning curve that a birth father would have had?

Fair play to your dp for taking on a dad role and being prepared to say no, but he needs to learn some strategies. At the mo, your ds is getting negative attention but being the centre of attention, and keeping you and dp at loggerheads with each other. that's more power than a 4 year old can handle!

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Being a parent is hard.
Being a step parent is hard.
Being 4 can also be tricky.

Tomorrow is a new day. Pick yourselves up and try again.

FWIW possibly your dp is expecting your ds1 to act a bit more grown up now you have a ds2. And tbf it would be helpful if he did.
Otoh your 4 year old may be feeling like being the baby now there is a new baby.

Think you all need to shift a bit.
It is bloody hard not to say "don't" when a child is constantly doing things they ought not to. I am sometimes too bloody knackered to try to find the positive.

However, it is true, constant don't is exhausting and unrewarding for all parties.

Cobsequences- honestly, hand on heart, is time out wirking? You may need to up your consequences a bit. But yes they must be practical.

Preferably don't take ds1 to the supermarket hut if you must, agree a reward and a cobsequence with your fp before hand.

Big up ds1 if he behaves like a proper bug bro and sets a good exampke for ds2 to show how he should behavr when he is a big boy.

You have my sympathies. I struggle to parent. I have 2dcs and I frequently end up in a supermarket (lp) thinking why oh why?

When you are all calm, have a talk about it later. Try to appreciate your dp. Get him to appreciate your pov. Agree a joint atrategy. Accept it may only work for a little while.
And also explain to ds1 that whilst he may want he cannot always have and ultimately he must do as he is told. Wastimg time in supetmarket or carpark is time that could have been spent having fun somewhere else.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Apologies for typos.