to think dp is being a twat?

[holdmybeer]

Ds 1(4) struggles emotionally, he doesn't listen, gets upset easily and is prone to tantrums. No special needs, just an emotionally immature 4 year old.

From the minute he got up this morning dp (not his dad) has been laying into him "don't do that" and dishing out empty threats "we'll cancel the holiday" (in a couple of weeks time)

AIBU to want a more positive approach such as "why don't we try this?" and that any consequences should be immediate and realistic and if possible relate to the issue in hand?

We've had a terrible day with ds 1 culminating in a 40 minute tantrum trying to get him out of the supermarket and into the car, not helped by dp and his constant tirade of negativity.

I make no excuses for ds's behaviour. It is frustrating as hell but he's 4, how does focusing his attention on what he's not to do help?!

[honeyroar]

It sounds a bit like you won't hear a thing against your 4yr old and but are critical of everything your oh does. I think you need to adjust your viewpoint a little.

[firesidechat]

I must admit I veer towards your dp's way of doing things. Not negative and issuing pointless threats, but definitely taking no nonsense.

When does he go to school because that would be a big worry?

[littleleftie]

If the supermarket is a "known trigger" why was he there? Couldn't you or DP have gone shopping on your own rather than dragging the DC with you? I am always amazed to see families doing this with young children.

Agree 40 minutes is excessive.........

[FigMango1]

I agree with pp about your dp frustration and your pandering to your ds. You need to deal with this behaviour before he starts school as he will be the one having the difficult time. Seems like you want everyone to stop and apply strategies and endless conversations and reasoning every time your ds acts up.

[firesidechat]

What consequences do you hand out op because I agree that it should be as immediate as possible and something you will follow through with, but what do you do?

Your dp's way of doing things is a bit unhelpful, but is that in reaction to your lack of discipline? I'm not saying it is, I'm just asking. Neither approach seems the be working, so could you agree a middle ground? Less talking and more action, fewer pointless threats and more effective boundaries.

[firesidechat]

to be working

[BettyBi0]

It's tricky. I only have experience of my nephew being a 4 yo but I look at him having public semi-violent meltdowns sometimes and the way his mum and dad handle it and of course I think I could do much better haha.

His dad says the most stupid, negative, complicated things in an attempt to reason with the boy; "if this is how you behave then it shows you aren't old mature enough to play x on the computer/ watch y on TV later/ eat Zs ever again/ play at M's house" He just keeps adding different layers to the threats with things that aren't even connected to the situation in hand until his son is beyond confused and has forgotten why he is even raging in the first place. Then his Dad just reaches the "that's it!" point and just wrestles/ bear hugs/ throws his DS over his shoulder and marches out/ shoves his DS into the car, drives home in a rage etc. I just wish he would keep it simple as all his threats and flying off the handle back at the child so NOTHING to help the situation. My sister on the other hand is much more easily embarrassed publicly, gives in or contradicts her husband about how he is managing things in a really unhelpful way. Net result is that my nephew has very confused boundaries and displays plenty of really bratty behaviour. As a judgey outsider looking in, it all just looks like a mess with my nephew's pretty normal low level naughtiness getting mismanaged and turned into big ragey badness.

Do you and your DP talk about it away from the kids? Could he do with some pointers about keeping his language simple and clear, diffusing the situation, referring back to basics like a stuck record, giving you DS a way out/ a way of stepping down and making a better choice in the situation?

[holdmybeer]

I do hand out consequences but they are realistic and immediate. He has time outs and loses time with his favoured toys/activities. I don't threaten to cancel a holiday knowing full well that is not going to happen!

[StableYard]

do you all need to go food shopping? very boring for a 4yr old and the busiest day of the week.

Online delivery....

[BettyBi0]

Also, at 4 I would have guessed your DS is old enough for de-brief conversations later when everyone has calmed down; "you know how earlier you did x? What do you think you can do differently next time to make it better?"

[BettyBi0]

OP I think you have the right idea with your follow up. Threatening nonsense is just going to be confusing and your DP needs to recognise that and stop talking to the boy like he is 12.

[witsender]

Some people are being very harsh here, he's only 4! It doesn't sound like the right approach for him, and I would be very at a relatively new partner (as in, he's 4 and the partner isn't his dad) being on his case to this degree, especially if you disagree.

[holdmybeer]

It is rare that I have to take ds1 to the supermarket these days, I do usually try and do the shopping without him. Today was supposed to be a quick trip in and out as we had run out of bread, milk and toilet roll but dp insisted on coming with me as he wanted a few bits for mother's day.

[littleleftie]

Couldn't DP have got all the shopping then? Surely he can manage bread, milk and toilet roll?

[holdmybeer]

He didn't offer and I didn't think. I was a single parent for a couple of ye

[IthinkIamsinking]

I would be very hmm at a relatively new partner (as in, he's 4 and the partner isn't his dad) being on his case to this degree, especially if you disagree

Maybe he has had enough of the behaviour.
I wonder what the DP's view on it all is.

[TempusEedjit]

Hardly a relatively new partner if they've been together since the DS was a baby and is father to their sibling.

OP if we're talking about adding only two items to the conveyor belt I would guess this incident was either the straw that broke the camel's back for your DP or there is a backstory of him being an intolerant arse. If it took you 40 mins to get your DS into the car I would bet on it being the former.

[holdmybeer]

Oops, posted too soon.

I was a single parent for a couple of years (initially completely single and then when dp didn't live with us and was less involved with ds) and the supermarket wasn't completely avoidable during that time. Hence why my strategies were necessary.

[london13]

I think you need to be much firmer, rather than pandering to your ds .
As a lot of people are saying, your ds will find it very difficult at school if you're not firmer now

[holdmybeer]

I feel dp's attitude towards ds1 has changed since ds2 arrived. I think he's tired and is less tolerant because of this.

[bettyberry]

Supermarket is a trigger here too for my 8 yo. We often have tantrums inside and I have no other option but to take him. (single parent and fed up of missing items in home deliveries) The only sure way to handle it in my experience is to either distract, ignore or on a very rare occasion, drag him out.

But what ever way you choose you have to be consistent and that means your DP does it your way.

Negativity breeds negativity so his attitude wont help at all.

[NanaNina]

I'm a bit confused. I thought you said you and DP had been together since you'd had DS1 and then DS2 is yours and DP's child. Is that right.

Everyone is talking about the supermarket incident but you said DP had been at DS all morning and was issuing stupid threats "we'll cancel the holiday" I'm sure you know OP that threats are no good unless they are proportionate and can be carried out. Then it turns out DS was upset in the supermarket because DP wouldn't let him put some things on the conveyor - most kids like doing this and even if the shop was busy he could have managed a few things.

I think you need to have a talk to DP (and yes I think he was a twat) about dealing with DS1. He needs to understand that the best way with children is positive parenting rather than negative reinforcement. How does he treat DS2 - if there is a difference then DS1 will notice this and that could be the root cause of his behaviour OR the way DP parents him could be the problem.

[ImperialBlether]

The best advice I read in Toddler Taming was: Does your child misbehave in supermarkets? Don't take them, then! I know your son is 4, but he's still at the stage of wanting to help you there and if that causes problems, go without him. I know this sounds mad, but that advice (albeit bleeding obvious) changed my life.

[bettyberry]

I just saw this after I posted

I feel dp's attitude towards ds1 has changed since ds2 arrived

how so? is your DP changing in other ways? Less likely to do things with him too or is it a case of the limited patience.

If its patience and tiredness it will improve but if his interest in DS1 is shifting much more then the tantrum today isn't the issue.

DS1 may be picking up on things. If it is, its something you will need to really deal with your DP before it creates an even more difficult relationship between the two of them. (if its not completely ignore me, I'm just going on past experience where older step child felt pushed out in favour of younger biological child and it started with irritability and lack of patience with step parent)

[holdmybeer]

I don't ignore ds's behaviour but believe that teaching him why he shouldn't do something or telling him what he should do instead is more effective than just repeating "don't" all day like a broken record.

Also, listing off all his earlier misdoings and the resulting consequences in the middle of his tantrum only focuses his mind on what he's already lost. I genuinely don't understand what this was meant to achieve?