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AIBU?

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Original poster

To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

868 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 05/03/2016 15:28

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 09/03/2016 08:36

Sorry for typos in there, its early

Lweji · 09/03/2016 08:39

I find it interesting that some pps criticise such relationships for imposing them on the children and other pps criticise this relationship for not being in the open to the children.

Btw, I totally understand not wanting to give, what looks like a possibly abusive or at least extremely difficult, ex ammunition to beat the OP.

Otoh, I'd also have concerns about how partner and children got along and would certainly at least arrange situations for them to meet before committing to him. You can still introduce them, as a friend, in neutral settings and see how they interact.

phequer · 09/03/2016 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoConfused15 · 09/03/2016 09:00

phequer I am perfectly entitled to challenge you about what qualifies you to make statements that the OP has acted foolishly and possibly been badly advised on legal grounds, that's a pretty serious thing to say and there's nothing out of order about querying the basis of it.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/03/2016 09:05

The reason to ask on a parenting site is that being poly gives you unique issues to deal with as a parent. A poly section on a parenting forum should be the perfect place to ask questions.

The trouble is too many people think they know what Q poly relationship is when in reality they know nothing but what they have read in the Daily Mail.

You're not really responding to my questions there, rather rehashing answers given to other posters.

I have no issue with the OP's relationship set-up. I understand why she calls it a poly relationship, just as I understand why others believe she's in a relationship with someone who's in an open marriage. The issues are the same however we choose to word it.

Like, for example, how she thought it was alright to move a man into the family home without having even introduced him to her kids. And how she really believes her children aren't in the slightest bit aware of it. And why OP is pushing for a PA parenting board when by the sounds of things, they've actively avoided sharing parenting like the plague.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 09/03/2016 09:08

I want to be honest with my children and for them to know that DP and OSO are in my life. But that doesn't mean the have to be a part of my children's lives if they (the DC) don't want that. My DCs (sadly) don't live with me full time so if necessary I can continue to spend time with DP and OSO only when they're at their father's. I'd be sad if that was what they wanted and it never changed but I would accept it, and wouldn't try and coerce them into doing anything they didn't want to.

We had the same approach with DPs older children and very much allowed them to make the running.

OP posts:
ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/03/2016 09:08

I am perfectly entitled to challenge you about what qualifies you to make statements that the OP has acted foolishly and possibly been badly advised on legal grounds

Key word being 'entitled' Hmm

It really isn't your place to demand anyone shares personal information here, however entitled you feel to do so.

phequer · 09/03/2016 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/03/2016 09:12

if necessary I can continue to spend time with DP and OSO only when they're at their father's

OP, have you thought about just how creepy it would be and how uncomfortable it would make you to know there's a man living in your home whenever you're not there? If your children decide they want nothing to do with it all, will he be moving out to make sure they feel comfortable in their own home? I'm not saying he should, just that this phantom live-in stepdad thing isn't really practical long term.

phequer · 09/03/2016 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 09/03/2016 09:17

I'd just like to reiterate that Phequer has PM'd me and I am confident she's perfectly qualified to give legal advice and had been very helpful.

You can take my word for that, I'm hardly saying it because she's my best chum, am I.

I don't think you need to flog this one any further, I really don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 09/03/2016 09:31

I hope it won't come to that ElderlyKoreanLady, but if they say they're not happy with him being in the house even when they're not there then we'd have to talk that through... I'm not sure it's reasonable to allow them to dictate what I do when they're not with me?

OP posts:
ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/03/2016 09:43

I'm not sure it's reasonable to allow them to dictate what I do when they're not with me?

Completely agree. But if you'd come about the living-together decision from a more conventional angle, would you be happy moving in a partner who they really didn't like against their wishes? You've put yourself in a really difficult situation because you've let this relationship progress into a serious one without having to navigate the usual child-related snags that people with children generally have already done in order to determine whether or not a serious relationship is practical.

Starspread · 09/03/2016 09:53

I suspect if the OP had already introduced her small children to her partner, she'd be getting a pasting for being so hasty. It may or may not be the perfect way to handle it, but she's at a point where she'd like to address this, so she sought out info on whether there is or could be a poly section of the forums where she could ask questions like 'how should I proceed?' without having to repeatedly explain and justify her relationship. That worked out well...

7Days · 09/03/2016 10:03

But your home is your home on a visceral level, that's especially true for kids. It may not be reasonable but emotions are to be expected. It does sound like you are putting your needs ahead of theirs here.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/03/2016 10:06

I suspect if the OP had already introduced her small children to her partner, she'd be getting a pasting for being so hasty.

Hmm it's been 3 years. I'm not suggesting she should have done it after 3 weeks, but certainly a good 6 months before she moved the bloke into her home.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 09/03/2016 10:37

Current draft plan from where we are now (in absence of a time machine, unfortunately)

  • Get clarity on legal position WRT custody
  • Inform EXH of situation (because he will find out anyway) and brace for impact
  • Tell children about DP - offer option to meet him if/when they choose

Genuine question - introduce poly aspect of relationship to DCs at the outset or down the line?

OP posts:
ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/03/2016 10:40

How old are they? And do you intend for them to start spending time with DP's other family quite quickly or much further down the line?

Lweji · 09/03/2016 10:44

I do think you should take a step at a time. Introduce them to partner, let them develop a relationship and then introduce his children. This can be done fairly quickly as it's fairly neutral. But they will ask at some point why he only spends some of his time there. The answer could depend on age. But I actually think younger children will be easier to introduce.

Icompletelyunderstand · 09/03/2016 11:10

icompetelyunderstand your user name clearly doesn't apply to the difference between niche and quiche!

or maybe quiche and clique PMSL

bearBehind either I am not getting your joke, or you are relatively new on MN and have never heard of an MN quiche! It's thang dontcha know.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 09/03/2016 11:24

I don't think you should ever tell them about the 'poly aspect'.

Bearbehind · 09/03/2016 11:33

icompletelyunderstand I'm not new, neen around for several years and I've never heard of a MN quiche.

Not sure who else has but I think it might be better to refer to a clique as just that, rather than an egg and pastry based savoury!

Icompletelyunderstand · 09/03/2016 11:34

even MNHQ refer to cliques as quiches! Where have you been woman? Shock

Icompletelyunderstand · 09/03/2016 11:35

you need to do an advanced search on the word quiche and see how many results you get where eggs and pastry do not figure AT ALL Grin

Bearbehind · 09/03/2016 11:39

Back to the actual topic- I can't see why you'd tell your children about the poly aspect at the start at all.

You wouldn't disclose details of your sex life/ other relationships (platonic) in a traditional set up so why would you do it in this one?

The more I read your posts the more it sounds like you want everyone to be on board with this groovy new set up you have when the reality is it is very complicated and many people won't understand.

As someone else said, it's not even how many of us perceive a poly relationship to be anyway, it does sound an awful lot more like the man is having his cake an eating it by keeping his original family and taking a mistress.

Whilst I agree our perceptions might be completely wrong, it's going to be hard to make people see what you want them to see, particularly your ex-h