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AIBU?

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Original poster

To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

868 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 05/03/2016 15:28

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

OP posts:
teabagpleb · 08/03/2016 19:19

lweiji - to outsiders, many poly set-ups are probably assumed to be amiable stepfamilies, and there's a lot of similarities - I sometimes read the Stepfamilies board here but as the SM is usually told either LTB or they are in the wrong, not very often!

OP - was thinking of the Yahoo groups uk.poly and I think also one called uk.poly.parenting, but that's pretty dead.

Phequer has nailed how any poly family could be made to look bad in court (hell, how any divorcing parent could be made to look bad in court), so the OP's fears are reasonable. OP - presumably your kids have met your new partner, and know he's a friend of yours? if not, then the situation does set off alarm bells - have you read the Ethical Slut? Very dated US hippy book, but the two-page spread "How to Fuck Up Poly" should be required reading for anyone considering any form of open relationship...
Glad you have a lawyer in any case.

SoConfused15 · 08/03/2016 20:20

Phequer, in answer to your PM, please provide details of your relevant experience/qualifications here. If you are going to publish your opinions here then you can also tell us the basis of them here rather than in a PM. I am not going to enter into a private conversation with you.

phequer · 08/03/2016 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 21:49

Just to say, phequer has PMd me some very useful legal advice (which I'll take to my next solicitors meeting) and I'm confident she is who she say she is.

Thanks phequer – unexpected but kind.

OP posts:
phequer · 08/03/2016 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 21:56

Duckdeamon "You seem to be really, really trying hard to see your choices and situation as special, using a label and wanting a separate MN board, worried about how family law treats "polyamorous" situations. Is that part of your and your bf's "script" to justify yourselves?"

No, it's a genuine concern (with genuine grounds) and it would be really nice to have somewhere to talk about stuff like this. Without hopefully having to justify ourselves to people like you.

OP posts:
Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 22:14

teabagpleb I have read the Ethical Slut yes (and about anything else I can get my hands on) but it was a while ago and given what you've said I guess it might be time for a re-read.

I can't find a single active uk poly yahoo group though… Can you give me any more info? Sorry to be a pain. It's just I've not yet found a good one and would like to if such a thing exists.

Regarding whether the teenagers 'need to be involved' they don't. We decided not to lie to them and tell them the situation (actually circumstances kind of meant we had to) but all interaction has been at their behest, we've never forced them to be with the three of us or just me, or me and DP if they didn't want to. As it is they seem genuinely unbothered and are quite happy to spend time with whoever if it's something they want to do.

The same will go for mine - they will be informed in due course but the nature and quantity of any interactions thereafter will be up to them. We've all agreed that.

And as I said to phequer in a PM – but it bears repeating here – the support offered by DP and OSO regarding possible legal fees isn't offered in the expectation of the 'reward' of getting to spend time with my children, but because they know for me to lose custody would devastate me. And that's enough. If the children don't want to meet them afterwards then that's fine. It really is.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 08/03/2016 22:22

I would love to hear the OSO's no holds barred side of this story.

I suspect it is very, very different to OP's.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 22:54

Bearbehind, we'll we're all going out on Thursday evening so I'll see if I can get that for you. I strongly suspect her answer will be "I don't need to justify myself to them or indeed anyone" and she has a point.

Ultimately on a forum like this we invariably only get one side of any story - which we can take at face value or stop bothering to contribute.

We're all three quite happy with the setup of our relationship. I genuinely don't understand why that's so hard to believe.

OP posts:
Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 23:23

I don't doubt you are happy OP. We all pretended to be "unbothered" as teenagers - as we knew our parents wanted us to be. It's what good teenagers do. Believe you me - we were bothered - we just hid it. And we still do. I keep interjecting and I know I'm talking the thread in a different direction from what you are asking and sorry about that. I just can't help but feel you need to hear this - not because I don't believe you aren't a good mum - or don't love all the kids - it's because I want to really think about whether just because it's what you want or believe - that they have to be part of it?

Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 23:25

Is this really the best set up for kids? Is this going to make them happy? Secure? Emotionally stable? Could you not somehow have the lifestyle you want without involving them?

Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 23:27

I don't think there's anything wrong with a relationship like that - but for kids - I don't think it's ideal

MinecraftyMum · 08/03/2016 23:56

I wouldn't ever choose the way of life...but I do to an extent 'get' what I would class as a truly poly family. Typically one dad, two plus wives/partners, all living in the same house, all parenting the children together, dad is father to all the kids. Unusual, but for women who don't mind sharing their oh then fine I suppose. I'd imagine it comes with many benefits too in terms of extra support/childcare/differing influences on dc. If there are truly no jealousy issues (as i'd imagine anyone with an oh with other oh's must be the least jealousy-prone person ever) it sounds pretty good.

What the op sounds like to me is that a married couple have two kids. The man meets a new girlfriend and the wife decides she'd rather share him than lose him.

Your 'significant other' op is a married(?) man who's managed to get away with adding a girlfriend into the mix too and his wife accepting it. He's not your kids dad. There's nothing 'poly' about it.

Teenagers have a way of acting cool about the most un-fucking-cool things ever. Do you really suppose that they are completely fine with their dad leaving them and their mum for three days a week to go and stay with his girlfriend? Really?

I think you're deluding yourself.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/03/2016 00:50

Ok, I'm 15 pages in and falling asleep so apologies if this has been answered more recently...

What on earth posessed you to move a partner into your children's family home, without them having even met said partner?

And how is he leaving no traces at all of living there? I'm guessing from the length of the relationship that your children are around 3 and 5? If he's living there 50% of the time, I highly doubt that a 5 year old hasn't noticed.

Even if your children genuinely haven't realised...how have your family and friends not noticed?

And why do you feel the need to ask for a PA parenting board when in fact, the 3 of you parent as 2 separate units? So separate in fact that neither your partner nor his wife have met your children in 3 years.

Ohbehave1 · 09/03/2016 05:18

Minecraftymum. It's so good that you are siding what a poly relationship is! There are so many - you have defined a m-f-f V but there are so many other. And partners do not have to live together.

Stop defining what YOU think the situation is when you obviously are just making things suit your view on the situation.

Ohbehave1 · 09/03/2016 05:21

Elserlykoreanlady. The reason to ask on a parenting site is that being poly gives you unique issues to deal with as a parent. A poly section on a parenting forum should be the perfect place to ask questions.

The trouble is too many people think they know what Q poly relationship is when in reality they know nothing but what they have read in the Daily Mail.

Icompletelyunderstand · 09/03/2016 06:19

Well I might agree with you if there was any co-parenting going on Oh but after three years together no co-parenting is going on AT ALL, they have no intention of the OP living with or needing to parent his children, it doesn't sound like he ever brings them to stay at the OP's house, and he hasn't met her children at all! Confused

A poly topic would be tumbleweed, as 70% of topics on MN already are.

This thread has already thrown up a few potential Poly-friendly buddies for the OP, why can't they just form a quiche in one of the parenting or step parenting boards, or Larger Families or something? Plenty of other quiches manage perfectly well without demanding their own topic and I am really not sure that there is anything truly unique to a poly set up that can't be covered in Step Parenting or similar.

And of course there are plenty of dedicated Poly forums and websites with a ready made sympathetic and supportive audience - does it really matter that they are not in the UK? Confused

Bearbehind · 09/03/2016 07:02

icompetelyunderstand your user name clearly doesn't apply to the difference between niche and quiche!

Bearbehind · 09/03/2016 07:08

Or maybe quiche and clique! PMSL

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 09/03/2016 07:53

If I'd known I could form a quiche I'd have never suggested something as inedible as a board...

OP posts:
ClopySow · 09/03/2016 07:56

I think that would work as long as it wasn't a quiche lorraine. There are already too many women in your set up apparently.

SoConfused15 · 09/03/2016 08:29

Lol ClopySow I'd be ok with a quiche Lorraine then as a woman with 2 male partners?

I'd be up for a poly thread. Not sure which board would be best though.

Footle · 09/03/2016 08:31

I haven't read the whole thread, it's scrambling my brain. I'm nearly 70 and grew up in a vaguely similar arrangement. It didn't have special words attached to it apart from 'open marriage' which was mentioned at some point.

ollieplimsoles · 09/03/2016 08:33

I'm still with Disabrie

In regards to your kids this set up is still very 'you and them'

If I was your ex op I would be pretty angry you have carried on like this behind there backs, its very underhanded as well to secure tour finances to this new family so when you do force your kids into it, you have their money to help you win them from your ex, who I'm guessing doesn't have the financial support of a partner and his wedded spouse.

I'm sorry but I just think you assume people are attaching you on this thread because of your relationship set up and the fact you are having sex with a married man.
But people have expressed concern for your children, people who have lived in these set ups, myself included, and you don't acknowledge them.

Have you given any thought on how this will effect them in the future? And this is not the same as having a step dad. I had a step dad who was brilliant, lived with us full time and didn't have some other family on the side!

"oh we don't see my step dad very often because he's busy with his other wife but he stays over on weekends"

I was old enough to roll my eyes at my dads situation when my friends asked, we used to joke about it, I was in no means happy with what he was doing. But his older kids, my brothers and sister, are not old enough, they just have to live with it.

SoConfused15 · 09/03/2016 08:35

phequer that was good of you to post the OP some useful info. To be honest from the tone of your previous posts I didn't think you had anything constructive to contribute but I am happy to be wrong. I'd be prepared to take it on trust if you said you were a solicitor, law student or what ever - if none of us believe what other posters say about themselves then any discussion is pretty pointless.