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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

868 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 05/03/2016 15:28

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/03/2016 17:18

Just being curious.

For children of poly parents, would it be very different from having a step father and step mother if your parents divorced? I suspect many children will have more than one "parent" at functions. Except that in your case your parents are happy with each other instead of tolerating/barely speaking/hating each other.
There was a time when children of divorced parents also had a hard time. Or children of single mums.
Nobody cares that much anymore.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 17:25

Phequer, you're talking in circles and/or being deliberately obtuse. I never said it wasn't serious, you seemed to be implying that one would introduce a potential
partner to one's children before it became serious. I wouldn't until I knew they were a permanent fixture in my life. Which DP most definitely is.

But I think you know that and you just want to continue to argue. In which case, I'm leaving you to it.

OP posts:
YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 17:29

Yes you should know it's serious but you really shouldn't have committed financially to him before he met your children.

However you spin it, it's bad.

tabulahrasa · 08/03/2016 17:32

My dad's other partner became my stepmum, so I never have to tell people if I don't want to that actually it didn't start off like that.

I ended up living with my mum and her new partner and visiting my dad and my stepmum...then they all split up as well.

Turns out my dad had much better luck picking decent partners than my mum or stepmum did...

I'm not really in touch with my dad, I'm completely NC with my mum's ex partner, but I get on quite well with my mum and my ex-stepmum.

I'm not sure what the relevance of any if that is tbh, lol...except that for me, living with my mum and stepmum with my dad was much much better than anything that followed.

So it's not as cut and dried as an alternative lifestyle being inflicted on us, because my mum's partner after that also was and I resented that far more.

ollieplimsoles · 08/03/2016 17:33

you seemed to be implying that one would introduce a potential
partner to one's children before it became serious. I wouldn't until I knew they were a permanent fixture in my life. Which DP most definitely is.

But its not just him is it? its his wife and kids too- how will you explain that too them? what if they don't feel happy with it, will you just carry on?

This is not a family at the moment, its just you, a married man, his wife and their kids.

YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 17:35

You say your DP pays towards your house and considers it his home. But it's also your children's home. And they have no idea he lives there.

And he lives in their home but has never met them.

Can you not see how sad that is? It's the complete antithesis of what a family is.

If that's polyamory then it sounds shit to me.

ollieplimsoles · 08/03/2016 17:38

Can you not see how sad that is? It's the complete antithesis of what a family is.

see, this is exactly what I'm saying too..

YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 17:51

And to be honest, if your DP was a decent sort he wouldn't have moved himself into your children's home without having met them first and without the certainty that they were okay with it.

That should be a red flag right there.

Lweji · 08/03/2016 17:58

As we are entering part of the actual reason the OP started this thread, I too think he should be introduced ASAP. They don't need to know too many details. But if they are over 12 they could pretty much choose who they stay with and how long.
Are you afraid your ex will find out about his other family, regardless?

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 18:10

I agree he does.

And when I get clarity on the legal ramifications of any custody battle which will ensue with my EXH and am confident that my custody of them is not in jeopardy then he will be.

Part of the reason our finances are linked is so that if a lengthy legal battle ensues as a result of my new relationship being a poly one (and there is such sketchy legal precedent for this that there may be) that, between us, we are financially able to follow it through.

Which is a pretty unique poly-problem and partly the reason for my original post.

OP posts:
YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 18:15

Fuckin hell Op. It only took 27 pages to get there! Jeez.

Have you ever sought proper legal advice on this?

My knowledge is sketchy but I can't imagine that, if your children live with you in your house and you have a DP who is there half the time, a court would be minded to grant your ex custody. Even if your DP does have a wife and another family.

YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 18:16

Unless you're all also raging drug addicts or something?

SoConfused15 · 08/03/2016 18:17

Thank you to the PPs who have shared their (negative) experience of being a child in a poly set up. Some of the problems (being teased at school) seem quite similar to those faced by kids in step families a generation ago. Or kids of gay couples.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 18:29

Yeahnotsobad - I've said repeatedly that it's something that needs to change. But anyway.

Yes, my (new) solicitor is on it. But unfortunately it's surprisingly not clear cut and judgements have gone against poly parents in the past so there's not a clear precedent. She's looking into whether there were other mitigating factors in those cases. (There aren't any in ours, the hardest drugs I take are day nurse.)

OP posts:
YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 18:33

Now I find that shocking. That judgments go against poly families purely because they are poly.

Is that really the case in this day and age? Or in the case precedents have there been other factors like criminal activity?

If being poly is a reason per se for being awarded against in a custody battle then that is medieval.

phequer · 08/03/2016 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 19:01

It is like having the typical amicable divorce set up but without the divorce - but the thing is you have to explain it all the time. I honestly hate it - really hate part of it - as do my siblings. We also now feel our children have to be involved and we don't want them to - we don't want to have to explain to them like its acceptable. I guess you can tell that I really don't like it - maybe I am prejudiced because it was just so bloody awful growing up and still is.

Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 19:04

Despite all this I love my parents but we are all angry with the one who changed our family set up when we were little.

SoConfused15 · 08/03/2016 19:05

Phequer, what experience or qualifications do you have to offer this advice? This is a very serious question and not to be taken lightly.

OP-it's good you have RL legal counsel on this, as you seem a sensible person I am sure you will take any advice here with a big pinch of salt

Duckdeamon · 08/03/2016 19:08

This seems a basic case of a man with a wife and mistress, where the man and mistress think everyone should be hunky dory with their lurve and new "family".

Not exactly new.

SoConfused15 · 08/03/2016 19:09

Disabrie, thanks for your reply. Why did you have to keep explaining your family set up and to whom? I hope you don't mind me asking. I have teens and considering coming out to them. But there is no deadline or rush. They are 14 and 16

phequer · 08/03/2016 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duckdeamon · 08/03/2016 19:12

You seem to be really, really trying hard to see your choices and situation as special, using a label and wanting a separate MN board, worried about how family law treats "polyamorous" situations. Is that part of your and your bf's "script" to justify yourselves?

Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 19:19

You have to keep explaining because at every family get together there are three people - and people want to be introduced to them - and you skirt around the issue but there does come a point where you don't actually want to lie to people in your life - or you may want to talk about it. The reaction is always negetive and people never get it - so you go over the same ground constantly - which upsets you every time you do it.

Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 19:19

Why do teenagers need to be involved in your personal life?