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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

868 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 05/03/2016 15:28

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

OP posts:
YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 13:45

I really think that needs examining. And I sense you're reluctant to examine it because if you did, you would find your priorities lacking.

Who's idea was it that you all tie yourselves financially together? Was it his?

phequer · 08/03/2016 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 08/03/2016 13:50

It's shit that your ex could make it difficult but you needed to have sorted that side before you embarked on a secret life. You say you do stuff with the older children, he is living in their house and you are tied financially. What do you tell your children you are doing when they are with their dad? It'll be very strange for them to find out that the rest of you have been living like a family and have excluded them. imagine one of the older ones mentioning a day out you once had and the smallest ones weren't invited because they didn't know the others even existed (unless you're expecting the older children to lie for you?)

If you can't tell them soon I would move your partner out until you can tell them so you're not living a lie.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 14:16

Still not sure what you want from me, phequer.

I've said I know it's not ideal. I've given my reasons for it being the way it is. I've said I want to change it, and am keen to do so in the best and safest way possible. I've said I'd like a board where we could discuss matters such as this.

What are you looking for exactly?

OP posts:
phequer · 08/03/2016 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teabagpleb · 08/03/2016 14:33

OP - are you on the uk.poly mailing list? In between the off-topic flamewars by certain people, there's usually good advice available and someone can point you to all the UK legal precedents (it boils down to "usually fine, but you only need one person to make up allegations")

My kids know I love DP and boyfriend, bf stays over in my room regularly, and sometimes we go camping with bf because Daddy doesn't like camping. He's a close uncle-type figure they've always known.

In your case, if you aren't planning on moving in together, then there isn't much the kids need to know: X is a very close friend and will be staying over whenever. If you are considering ever moving in together, discuss all sorts of house-move options now and ensure the kids spend more time together, but could be impossible anyway - we considered moving in together when bf moved to this city and his partner and family were moving too, but would have needed a 9-bedroom house somewhere totally unaffordable! Probably why you only hear of rural hippy types living in large poly households - people commuting to regular jobs in the southeast could never afford it.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 14:46

teabagpleb

www.polyamory.org.uk/ is this the site you're referring to? I've found this has some useful articles... Or is it another I haven't found? I haven't found any good uk-based forums (like MN for poly) and would be keen to know if they exist…

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 08/03/2016 15:09

I think the reason why people keep bringing up the whole keeping it all a secret from your children up is your language with you saying it's 'not ideal'. That is a huge understatement and makes me think you don't see how serious it is. In my opinion the polygamy doesn't matter but the fact you have a whole other family that your children don't know about, memories that they are excluded from is awful. You're involved in the older two children's life but your own children are bottom of the pile and that's how they'll see it.

Stormtreader · 08/03/2016 15:18

Im assuming most people here have heard of "Mansplaining"?
"It's what occurs when a man talks condescendingly to someone (especially a woman) about something he has incomplete knowledge of, with the mistaken assumption that he knows more about it than the person he's talking to does."

Im halfway between laughing and annoyed at all the "straightsplaining" going on as mono and straight people are merrily and confidently informing poly and bi women what their relationships actually are or are not.

YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 15:29

your language with you saying it's 'not ideal'. That is a huge understatement and makes me think you don't see how serious it is

Yes I agree. Coupled with the subtext in your posts that anyone who thinks you're not putting your children first in this set up is somehow 'phobic' or closed minded.

Peppatina · 08/03/2016 15:39

The thing is my parents are probably still going around telling everyone that their children were 'so cool with it'.

Despit NC from two of us and brief special occasion visits from my half sister.

We weren't 'cool with it'. What happened was occasionally they'd talk at us about it. About how wonderful and loving our family was, about how we shouldn't listen to close minded people telling us it was wrong.

And in typical teenage fashion they got a 'Cool, fine yeah whatever' response because we had no desire to rock the boat, it was unstable enough as it was.

I have no doubt that some PA relationships are free from the emotional blackmail and selfishness that led to our alternative 'set-up' but I think it has to be recognised that also it can go horribly wrong for the children, even with the best intentions.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 15:41

I'm British. I understate. I don't take it lightly at all. I don't think people who don't think I'm putting my children first are phobic or closed minded (and I've never said that, anywhere on this thread).

I do, however, think they're breath-takingingly insulting considering how little you know of me as a person or my situation – about which Ive given only the briefest of overviews (as that wasn't the intended subject of the thread).

And most of the people who have now decided that my children are, in fact, their main concern have spent most of the thread telling me I was an amoral mug looking for someone to support her financially, DP was an adulterous arsehole and OSO and I were weak-willed, dependent saps who were getting royally fucked over in a situation into which we must have been coerced...

So, y'know…

OP posts:
YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 15:49

But how did that happen OP? How on earth did you become legally, domestically and financially tied to a man who's never met your children?

It's unfathomable to me how you thought that was a sound decision. In or out of the context of a polyamorous set up.

NerrSnerr · 08/03/2016 15:56

All I know about your situation is that you are financially tied to a man who lives at your house part time who doesn't know your children and they don't know he exists. You chose to get serious in the relationship before introducing the children- in my opinion that is unacceptable.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 16:04

Is it usual to involve children in non-serious relationships?

I'm not TIED to him, in the sense of being dependent. And if it becomes apparent that it is in any way harmful for my children I will, and can, walk away.

I honestly don't think it will come to that, if we handle things gently, carefully and gradually. But it's not going to happen until I'm 100% sure of the security of my custody.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 08/03/2016 16:09

It's usual to involve children before someone moves into the family home. Maybe there is much more to it then you're writing down but from what you have written I would be upset if I was your child and found out that my mum had a life they kept secret from me.

YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 16:09

You said he pays towards your household and you pay towards his. You said all the legals and financials were sorted 'with a bow on top'. Your words.

Is that not the case then? Are you serious or aren't you?

AnotherEffingOrangeRevel · 08/03/2016 16:11

OP, from what you've said:

  1. You've managed to develop relationships which make you and the other participants happy. You've even managed to do this when a lot of our culture is set up to hinder it, and where a lot of people would feel possessive/jealous/other things which probably make us more self-serving than you are. No mean feat.

  2. You're considering long and hard how to make this work the best it can for your children (who will certainly already be benefitting from your happiness and fulfillment). You've even gone as far as attempting to find a forum to discuss it online to get other people's experiences of how to make this work for the kids. Hardly the actions of a neglectful or inconsiderate parent.

Yesterday, posters were laying into some poor MNer for having given her kid muffins for breakfast. We love laying into each other. It's part of how we all convince ourselves we're the ones doing it all right (especially easy when it's a matter of almost universal convention in our society, like this is). I hope you don't let it upset you too much.

YeahNotTooBad · 08/03/2016 16:21

I've moved my boyfriend into my house and he pays half my rent and I hang out with his kids at the weekend but my young children have no idea he, or his children, exists. AIBU?

Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 16:28

I'm actually not judging the OP - as I have never judged my parents. I feel Peppatina but it best - it does become about emotional blackmail - because the kids HAVE to go along with a situation chosen by their parents. Sorry OP to be so uncompromising but we are siblings in our forties who would still say point blank this has had a lasting negetive effect on our emotional well being.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 08/03/2016 16:35

Disabrie22 – I don't feel you've been judgey at all, actually. I am interested to understand better though whether it was the living arrangement itself which was the cause of the negative effects on – i.e. the fact of your parents polyamorous setup – or the reactions of others towards it and towards you...

Because I think that's a really important distinction?

OP posts:
Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 16:52

It was both - we didn't want an extra father but had to have one - it was confusing. We had to accept the situation and were expected to include it in all aspects of our lives, graduations, weddings, christenings. There are times when you don't want to be the one that sticks out at every occasion - and it was really really embarrassing explaining it to my future in laws. In short - we had to go along with something we didn't really want - and haven't wanted in our future relationships. It creates an instability at home that creates a core instability in you.

Disabrie22 · 08/03/2016 16:53

OP I'll be honest - I don't think parents need to involve their kids in it all.

phequer · 08/03/2016 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 08/03/2016 17:16

Disabrie's situation is quite like mine, we had all these other people forced on us, we were lucky to get out but my three younger ones are stuck with it.

Sorry Ive read this thread from start to finish and it all along it just seems like op is shagging a married man, gets on ok with his wife so calls it a 'family set up'. Isn't there a time when his wife doesn't want you around? like her children's graduations or future weddings? is she really going to stand there with your next to her, her husband's bit on the side, and acknowledge you? Thats what my dad expected me to do- so I just banned them all from everything.

She has raised these kids to be young adults without any input from you at all, yet you call yourself family to them and act like they are 'cool' with it. I wonder if the teens see you as 'family'?