To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

Three of us have posted about having poly parents, none of us thought it was a good idea.

Lweji it's the same problem with this society, the one we are in now, on Mumsnet as well by the looks of things. Most people struggle with most things that have the potential to threaten what they understand to be normal, stable family life.

Children actually don't ever feel very comfortable with things that make them or their families stand out as different. They don't like seeing their parents distrusted, shunned, scrutinised, judged and found lacking, or treated as objects of curiosity or suspicion. Kids like normal.

If parents tell themselves that their kids are really cool with whatever non-mainstream thing is going on that is bringing attention on them, then they are probably just seeing what they want to see and being blind and deaf to more subtle signals.

Like when a child gets shipped off to boarding school and is on the phone bawling their eyes out to mummy several nights a week while mummy is merrily telling all her friends how much Johnny loves it. Because mummy is giving herself permission to believe something that isn't actually true.

I do think it's two different things.
One, the parents situation.
The other how society reacts.

I was addressing the last comment, which didn't mention how it felt in the relationship, but how society perceives and treats these families and children.

I think it's different to say you didn't like your poly family because your dad didn't spend enough time at home (but then so many working don't).
Or to say you didn't like how children treated you when they knew you were in a poly family.

Would you accept your parents telling you you shouldn't be gay or divorced for example, because it made them uncomfortable explaining to their friends?
Who do you think the problem lies with?

And yes, it applies to MN society, and it should be fixed at MN society level.

It's a little bit different to that, in all fairness.

I think if we are talking about MN as a "society" we need to be very careful about discounting people's lived experiences because they don't suit a particular narrative - so when children who grow up in a polyamorous environment say wasn't a particularly nice environment to grow up in for them, I don't think we need to speculate that was primarily due to external social factors or that if not, it was an isolated situation.

Polyamory may work very well for some people and some families and be absolutely free of emotional load, jealousy, coercion, difficulty for those people. Maybe this may even be true of many, or the majority. However, there are a lot of people who have been part of this subculture who would attest that there can be significant emotional issues that arise and aren't always easy to iron out (see this link, which is nuanced but perhaps illustrates that it's not as straightforward an equality issue as it can be made out to be on fora like these).

My own parents had a brief "go" at what my father hoped was going to be polyamory but really was nothing of the sort. My memories of this involved a horrible Christmas Eve where his hoped for OSO (actually OW) came for dinner while my mother cried over the garlic bread. There was apparently a year of "negotiation" during which my mother was being counselled by the PARISH PRIEST (that's how far off engaging in polyamory her lifestyle was) to LTB, while my father came home sharing his glow and love while my mother worked out what the fuck she was going to do with her life.

Of course this isn't everyone's experience... but it isn't "ah I didn't see my dad as he was away, but then lots of dads do work". It was specific to my father's belief he "loved" two women while actually being a total dickhead and bringing one of them to the brink. It was utterly, utterly selfish and abusive.

I've followed this blogger for a long time and I think this particular entry is very insightful. There definitely is potential in all subcultures for abuse to flourish and it does no one any good to adopt this idea that it is wrong or phobic or pearl-clutching to question practices that appear to be harmful in some situations just because it may not apply to others: medium.com/@thelolaphoenix/why-i-don-t-identify-as-poly-71a5a541dc99#.2d8egmq9v

Wow, this thread would make a brilliant source of study for the many ways forum debates, groups/ otherness unfold over the threads 'life and death' ...

Annoyingly the last few posts have blurred the argument for me! From a simple 'stop the close mindedness' to 'ok, the ramifications for children need thinking through an awful lot more'.

I don't think that means we shouldn't have a subgroup or ongoing thread on all things 'poly'. By discussion on a practical level I think that the effect on children would be more thoroughly worked through. And that's a good thing.

Surely the reason we all have opinions and form 'normal' structures and often disagree or are concerned/confused/curious about set ups different from the norms is due to the potential effects? Potential effects on any children involved,what that will mean for them in the future, society and what happens when such things become normalised etc etc.

It's not just thinking of the here and now is it? It's thinking about a bigger picture and the future. Things that can change the path of society and how things pan out for us.

It one way, being concerned and disagreeing with something family 'arrangement' wise is no different to be concerned about carbon emission and wanting to reduce it. It's all about potential impacts on our world.

And please don't tell me it doesn't impact,because all things that change in society impact on future society.

So isn't it natural and normal to question these things rather than just think 'hey, it doesn't matter.'

You can not be bothered,some aren't. You can judge. But you can also consider things without true personal judgement of a person?

It's because of the poly set up that the OP has built a parallel life for herself with another family to the exclusion of her own children.

That definitely needs questioning.

A poly thread only for people who are or who are seriously considering poly would be great. Not in AIBU!

People can be so odd about it. My own MIL thinks it's perfectly reasonable for me to have a boyfriend (15 years now), as well as DP, but is worried about him having other partners in case I get fed up and ditch him.After 21 years, that's pretty unlikely. Boyfriend's kids are now at uni and babysitting mine, whereas I used to look after them (they were his other partner's).

As for being all about sex - when you have small children, there isn't much!

YANBU at all, OP.

There's a whole lot of U on this thread, but it aint from you.

I hope MNHQ creates the board for you.

Just to respond to the comment that surely it was society that caused the problem? - yes it was - but none of that changes the pain and to honest none of feel close to our parents or want to live near them. Whatever you are telling yourself when you do it - it may be good for you, but it's not good for the kids. Don't they come first?

Creating the board would be good - just don't be surprised if it's visited by lots of people like me

www.vice.com/en_uk/read/i-grew-up-in-a-polyamorous-household-528

"Good parents are good parents, whether there are one or two or three or four of them. Fortunately, mine were incredible."

If some people think opening up a relationship is going to mean more sex and no hard work, then it's probably going to go badly. If people create relationships that become a community or extended family, everyone chipping in and "having your back", then it can work very well, with benefits like someone in the family having enough money to make everyone"s holiday possible. Any potential partner who didn't understand "the children always come first" would never become a partner of mine. Even if I had time for anyone else, which I don't.

"

Just to add that "Benedict Smith" and siblings are now lovely adults...

The research being done by Dr Elisabeth Sheff is pretty interesting, too: elisabethsheff.com

There are some amazing poly family setups, and some fucking atrocious ones - just like monogamous parents. It's not the relationship atructure, it's the people involved and their choices.

I'd sworn not to post any more, but just to say my reasoning for wanting a poly board is precisely to talk about how to navigate this for the best outcome for the children, and so on that basis Disabree22 I would value and welcome your perspective, even – or perhaps especially – if it was often things I wouldn't want to read.

I'm fully aware that my own situation regarding not being 'out' to my children is far from ideal. However they are, have always been, and will remain forever my main concern. The accusation that I've somehow put my libido above my children's welfare (and it's been vociferous and repeated) has been the most upsetting aspect of this thread for me, even though I know it to be unfounded.

In my case I have genuine concerns that my EXH would use my relationship as a pretext for attempting to remove my children from me. It's a very real fear, and is the main reason they don't know about DP. This has happened in the US, but it's hard to find much information as to what the legal/social services standpoint might be here.

And until I can get clarity on that, frankly, no-one's being told anything.

BTW, my solicitor seeing what she can find out, so it's not like there isn't a plan WRT this.

I appreciate the many resources being shared here too. They're all informative, thank you.

It's because of the poly set up that the OP has built a parallel life for herself with another family to the exclusion of her own children.

Actually, it's because of her ex and society in general.

cant you just open mumsnet in 2 separate windows?

phequer I agree that is very odd.

It's not really 'odd', if you read the reasons behind it.

Not ideal, as I have repeatedly acknowledged, but hardly unfathomable.

But phequer, you've made the same point dozens of times now. I'm not sure what more you want from me?

I'm sorry but it IS odd. And the reasons behind it aren't clear.

If you and your DP were monogamous and wanted to join your lives together legally, financially and emotionally, would you have embarked on that big commitment before your children had even met him? Before you even knew whether they would like him, or he them?

I don't see why your being polyamorous is even relevant really.

Unless your desire to be part of his family unit was stronger than your desire to protect your own.