To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

Branleuse - yes they could, once my DC know about them. And while much of my free time is spent with him and OSO yes there is still time to spare. it's just that for right now I'd rather spend it building my business, doing yoga, pissing about on mumsnet visiting exhibitions or seeing my friends than sleeping with someone or looking for someone else to sleep with. Plus I'm having just as much sex as I want right now.

But that's just now, not necessarily for ever.

OB, as I already said, based on this thread, not on poly relationships. I have no particular opinion on poly relationships.

CS, the OP has described herself as already being in a long term cohabiting relationship with this man. She desribes him as living in the house. It is not the same as a new partner who sometimes stays over.

In amongst all the nastiness (and there had been a fair bit) there have been some really supportive people with helpful advice - for which I thank you.

In fact I thank those who have been less nice and very critical too - it's all helpful because we face these types of reactions IRL too so getting some practice in at dealing with them is helpful.

I will start a thread in site stuff, because I think it would be great to have a board for non-standard family set ups - perhaps not exclusive to but including Polyamorous ones.

I think this thread has shown that just posting about poly in other places - relationships/parenting etc might be less than constructive.

And Howbadisthisplease please don't go. Open minded, free thinking moderate people like you are one of things I love about MN.

the conservtism and hostility on this thread is shocking. So sneery. It's awful. I think there is an undertone of fear; I think deep down many of you think that any sort of poly-type thing is really a form of infidelity and ADULTERERS THREATEN MY OWN MARRIAGE (in some weird indirect way)

I've read through the entire thread thinking along similar lines, HowBad. Some of these responses are the most patronising and judgemental I've seen on here, and that's saying something. If a bloke posted trying to tell the women on a thread that he knew their situation better than they did he'd be derided as the worst kind of mansplainer, but apparently it's fine to be a monosplainer?

And I say that as the most boringly traditional heterosexual monogamist going.

Almondpudding and I have also already said that I don't think the current set up is ideal, it's a bit arse about face, and would like to change it, but that it's tricky and I want to get it right.

I'm not sure what more of a mea culpa you're looking for?

Unless you just want me to apologise for being in a poly relationship at all, which I'm not about to do.

I don't care that you're in a poly relationship. I think it is completely and utterly irrelevant to the cohabiting element.

I was answering points raised by other posters.

I think you have had reasonable advice on how to go about telling your kids you're in a relationship.

Me too (boringly hetero mono)

But it's still excruciating to me to read pages and pages of "no dear you are mistaken about your own life, which, trust me, is shameful and tawdry even if it seems otherwise to you."

I know people are always saying this and I always used to groan and ignore, but honestly, mn is terrible these days. Ive been here on and off since around 2009 and I really think that these arms-folded steps-scrubbing curlers-wearing suburban lower middle class wives have totally taken over now.

There was always an element of it but there was also a really strong strand of bold original very female truth and emotional honesty. I miss all that, it seems to have been overshadowed by a bludgeoning out of all subtlety and an incredibly destructive valorisation of an inarticulate stiff upper lip and conventionalism in all things.

I don't care if you all think that's snobby (it is, appallingly!) because I've had enough

I'll miss mn because there is nowhere else that does what it used to do. but it doesn't do it here, now, either, so.

Well if you do find somewhere howbadisthisplease will you take me with you?

LOL howbad, who is judgemental ? Armscrossed lower mc house wives? You're gas. Don't you know normcore is the shit now?
Op could have just asked her questions. If id doesn't matter who shags who, there is no question. If it does... well people will ask. All this identifying and jargon. It sounds teenage, trying to find a tribe instead of being comfortable with your choices. It is deeply tedious for other people, like listenibg to otger people's dreams

Why so much hostility for the op? Things change, people might not meet the exact definition for something 100% of the time.

A person can call themselves bi-sexual but be in a relationship with just 1 sex.

A couple that have decided to have an open relationship have an open relationship, even if one of them gets dumped / dumps one of their partners. Just because they go back to having just 1 partner temporarily doesn't mean their relationship isn't open anymore.

Open relationships like poly relationships seem to be more about what you believe and what you are looking for in terms of partners. As partners will leave.

Very different from the fucking buddy situations people are describing as presumably you all didn't sit down discuss whether a poly relationship was the right thing to do and then agree to live this way.

It's a bit sad that some people on here are so invested in the op's way of life, claim to have no problem with it but can't let go of their prejudices and assumptions

Yeah ok I admit the lower MC bit was out of order, sorry

But the OP didn't ask questions about who shags whom. She's looking for a place to talk about the family aspects of practising polyamory - stuff relating to children specifically. (This is what mn is about.)

Then people asked her loads of questions about her personal set up so she answered. In a slightly jargony way, which is completely de rigeur on the acronym ridden MN.

I am sure there was a time when a woman who tried to ask the question "I'm divorcing my abusive husband because he makes me miserable and I will be happier and safer alone, please can I have some advice about how to manage this with the children?" would be met with "I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO ENTERTAIN DISCUSSING THIS WITH YOU UNTIL I HAVE THOROUGHLY TOLD YOU OFF ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE. GIVING UP AND BREAKING YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS IS NEVER THE ANSWER"

It feels like this is kind of pretty much what is happening here, which is a pity, as, like I said, mn used to be better than that

7days, my original question was should I ask MN for a poly parenting board.

I'd say the jury's out on that one on the basis of this thread.

I was then asked a whole bunch of questions, some genuine, some judgey, some very fucking personal, many hostile and quite a few just plain horrible.

All of which I have tried to answer honestly and fully without rising to the bait.

In response I have been accused repeatedly of being dishonest, delusional, stupid, gullible and told plainly that my relationship setup isn't what I know it to be.

And any answers given to counter that with actual facts have been ignored. Mostly because half the people on here have decided this is WRONG and aren't interested in hearing anything which might counter that.

And then in between there's been some true, old-fashioned mumsnet brilliance from people who don't follow this way of doing things but are open minded enough to take as they find and seek to really understand something/some people better than they did before.

Not sure how I feel about it at this point. Fortunately I'm a tough old bird, but much of it has been disappointing more than anything.

OP- from my completely unknowing point of view (I hadn't heard of poly relationships until this thread) it seems to me that you should just introuduce the relationship to your children as you'd introduce any other relationship. You had some very good sentences to say up thread. I think you are massively overthinking it and over worrying about it. If your children are too young to "understand" as you said earlier, they are too young to judge and will just accept it.

It also seems a bit sad for you all that you live in different houses. It must be more than decorating that keeps you apart, couldn't you compromise on that? And your DP doesn't really have a home at the moment if he is splitting his time between two different houses. It might be just me, but I'd find it very weird not having one place to call my home, my space, my bolt hole. He sounds like he's living in her house and your house without a home?

All I can say is really two things. This thread has brought out AIBU's tentacles in all their glory. And OP has shown surprising restraint - in coming back, and not getting riled up. Which often isn't the case. Goodnight!

Have you actually asked MN OP? Have you emailed them? That way you will find out.

I am fully prepared to believe your relationship set up is absolutely as you have described it here...

You live with a man.
You have furnished a house together.
You have shared finances.
He has many belongings in his house (that he lives in with you, so also your house).
You have been seeing him for three years and living together for one.
You have two kids living there who know nothing about it.
He lives with his kids and partner the other half of the week.

"It also seems a bit sad for you all that you live in different houses."

Generally that was a pretty nice post, so it's not fair to nitpick, but I just wanted to remind you YesterdayOnceMore that the OP has said that she likes being on her own some of the time.

For some people - even among the unpoly, like me - the fact that your partner is always there is a massive downside of traditional relationships. If you are going to start doing things differently with the view of pleasing everyone in a slightly more bespoke way, I am not surprised that the "crowing everything all into one house all the time forever" part is one of the parts that can get questioned, or ditched

Mountains - I agree, the OP really kept her cool, very impressive

Yesterday - I know, some people n here have been brilliant. I wasn't actually asking at this point for advice on the 'how' to tell my children, but it is the kind of scenario that would be great to discuss in a dedicated board. That said it cropped up in interrogation questioning and I am grateful for the helpful suggestions people have given. Very sensible sane and yes, not making it a 'thing' for them.

The different houses suits us fine - I know DP genuinely regards himself as having two homes. And he feels 'at home' in both of them. They're also very different and he enjoys that. None of us are sad about it or we'd probably look at changing it in some way. Because we are free to redefine our relationship if it needs to work better or differently for any one of us - there is no template about how it 'should' be that we are obliged to follow.

But thanks for asking a genuine "I'm interested to understand" question... Always happy to answer, as I've hopefully made abundantly clear.

I'm 62 and before tonight I had never encountered a polyamorous person. I've learnt a bit so thanks OP ... and best wishes.

I third that. I'm massively impressed by OP's ability to keep her cool.

And the whole living together full time thing? I've accepted that i'll never be able to live with another adult full time. 3 nights a week would be my ideal. People are generally outraged when i tell them that and tell me i'll change my mind when i meet the right person. I'm fairly certain i won't, unless the house is massive enough to not know they're there sometimes and i get to have a bedroom just for me.

Tbh you could have just asked your question about polyamours (sp?) parenting. This thread is inviting judgement about the whole concept rather than whatever issue you face.
It's an unusual setup sp of course people are curious. As long as everyone is happy though, I wish you all the luck

Not yet, sparklingbrook... I've been a bit busy staving off personal attacks fighting the good fight on here, looking after my children, having a chat with my DP and doing chores...

And trying to work out, after this, whether it would even be good thing or just somewhere people would go to throw rocks at the freaks.

My friend's parents were in a poly relationship when I was at school, but that was more classic poly and again (sorry!) I personally wouldn't class your relationship as poly if you'd described it to me.
I'd say you were the girlfriend of a married man who is in an open marriage.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that, if everyone is happy, but it doesn't seem poly to me if you just go to yoga with the other woman.

Maybe definitions are changing in this field though, I wouldn't know.

Just a heads up for anyone interested - this from a couple of years ago in the guest blogs on here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/2121328-Guest-post-Polyamory-Other-partners-have-brought-so-much-joy-into-our-lives