To request mumsnet to add a 'polyamorous families' section under parenting?

[whycantwegoonasthree]

There's every other kind of family type, pretty much, and polyamorous families have some unique joys and challenges that it would be nice to share and discuss.

Or maybe we're the last frontier and even MN aren't ready to go there.

Yet.

Violet, DP and OSO have been swingers in the past. But it's very different to what we do and none of us swing currently.

DP and I, or OSO and I or DP, OSO and sometimes go to a poly meet up group. It's good but would be a tricky environment to get into the finer points of things like telling children etc.

"if you knew there was s board for polyamorous families or parenting and you could offer advice from a different perspective - wouldn't you look from time to time?"

Honestly - no I probably wouldn't, not for any real reason other than I tend to go on boards I'm interested in or on threads that pop up on active.

Also, I was very young and I'm still not sure exactly what the situation was other than who lived in the same household for a few years...as in, I have no idea or any real desire to know who was having sex with who because two of the people involved are my parents and I try not to think about it, rofl. So it's really only reading through some if the thread that I've gone, huh, I suppose I'm one of the children in that scenario, sort of.

How long has this been going on?!

If my parents informed me that while I had been away on a two week holiday some random guy had lived in our house and they had avoided telling me, I would feel that was pretty crazy behaviour.

Don't they wonder who owns all the random stuff in their house? All these books and clothes and what not you mentioned?

Almost a year Almondpudding - part time cohabiting that is. His stuff has been here from the start - it's not conspicuously blokey and the children haven't asked.

As for his clothes and stuff, well it's all in the wardrobe and draws and stuff in our bedroom. The kids don't spend their time rifling through.

But I agree them not knowing isn't ideal, I've said that. I've just been too chicken to handle all the sh*t that goes with it.

You don't need a polyamory board to tell you that the correct time to let your kids know another person is moving into their house is before that person moves in.

So what are the specific parenting issues you'd like to discuss, op?

How old are your children? Maybe just tell them it as it is and explain that some people will find it strange because they don't understand.

Not the same at all, but a friend of mine thought I was wrong to tell my 4 yr old that men can marry men, women can marry women and men and women can marry each other. He reckoned that she didn't need to know that and that I was wrong to tell her. My response was that those relationships are normal and by knowing that from a young age should hopefully make her more accepting of others. Same goes here. Some of us are only struggling with the concept because we have never known it.

I know quite a few people in poly relationships. They didn't tell their DCs, just answered questions truthfully when asked.

How old are your DCs OP and why do you think that they need to know about the poly side of your relationships?

Op I suspect that the dcs will be more accepting than mn.

I would start as anyone starting a relationship would. I have a new partner. I like him very much. He would like to meet you. Would you like to meet him. He has some childreb of his own. He lives with them and their mum and stays here sometimes when you are with your dad. Would you be happy to go for a pizza with him and me on Tuesday?

I would also speak to their father separately if you decide to tell them of your full relationship status so he can answer any questions they have with full and correct facts. And also to answer any questions he might have with regards to the dcs. Any other questions he might have that don't relate to the dcs he can google.

cant your boyfriend and girlfriend keep your kids for you so you can go out and find more partners? Or is he taking up all the child- free time you actually have?

All very well saying you culd if you wanted to, if hes monopolising all your free time, and you dont even get to shag his missus or do threesomes or even all live together.

No judgement from me. Ive had similar set ups here and there, but it sounds like a bloke with two girlfriends, nothing poly about it for anyone except him

Why are so many people saying that the set up isn't poly? There are so many variations of poly relationships.

For people that are trying to argue definitions - especially non poly people - you are never going to do it because it is such a broad spectrum.

The question was would people like a poly section on here. Why shouldn't there be? If you don't like it you wouldn't have to go to that page?

I don't think there should be a poly section, if we are basing it on this thread, because

a. there doesn't seem to be enough poly parents for such a section to be used.

b. the small number of people involved means that people can discuss treating in kids in unethical ways (see the deception on this thread) while using the fact the adults are poly as a red herring to deflect criticism.

Thank you Soconfused and OP for answering re: are PA meet-ups swinging.

I agree that you should tell them ASAP and in a natural progressive way.
New man
Lives here part of the time
Has other children
The rest of the time lives with them
And their mother.

The children don't need details about sex, but you might tell them that sometimes people love more than one person romantically, as you love all your children equally.

Hold on, I have a question.

Mormons are polygamous, yes? And that's one man with many 'wives'. I'd class that as polyamorous - I was under the impression that polygamy (1M + 2+W) and polyandry (1W + 2+M) were polyamorous relationships. So why are posters saying this is not a polyamorous relationship because the women aren't having sex with each other?

Just curious. Frankly it sounds like far too much effort for me. I'd rather have a bar of chocolate.

Gosh - doesn't anyone watch "my 4 wives"? Initially one man, 4 women, all lived together with their 17 children (all his) until they got run out of town and now live in 4'houses in a cul de sac. None of the wives have a relationship with each other but they each have a sexual relationship with him. They share money, parenting etc. And he shares his time around each house.

Not the same at all, but a friend of mine thought I was wrong to tell my 4 yr old that men can marry men, women can marry women and men and women can marry each other. He reckoned that she didn't need to know that and that I was wrong to tell her. My response was that those relationships are normal and by knowing that from a young age should hopefully make her more accepting of others. Same goes here. Some of us are only struggling with the concept because we have never known it.

God knows what your friend would have thought of me - I took my 4 year old to the first lesbian wedding in insert large city here. She felt it was perfectly reasonable as she was planning to marry her best friend.

Op Why not just introduce them as "mummy's friends". You can then go from there.

Mumoftwo, I know! He would have thought you were a terrible mother. We fell out about all that because his thoughts are still stuck 40yrs ago when he was a young lad. Times change and we are more accepting now. Should have seem his face when I told him I'm bi... "How can you marry a man... in church as well... Oh my!" Hahaha.

nokids I think that's different isn't it? We're talking polyamory now (allegedly) not polygymous marriage which is what Cody etc are up to.

I can't see the difference. Why is there a difference between polyamory and polygamy, polygamous marriages aren't recognised here.

Stratter they aren't recognised in the state that M4W is set in either so most of the marriages are religious and only one is legal

Almond pudding

A) there are a lot more poly families out there. Many don't advertise the fact because they are worried at best about uneducated comments and worst pure bigotry

B) do you mean "in your view " the people will talk about treating kids in unethical ways. Because the poly parents I know want nothing but the best for their children.

The biggest problem is that it is hard for most people in our culture to accept so the children's influences, media, school, friends will be of a different world where people are or pretend to be one to one couples. However there is no reason why this cannot work and things be explained to the children when it needs to be explained. I am sure there are plenty of muslim families near me where men have multiple wives.

"Treating kids in unethical ways" and "deception" ...really?

She has young children who she isn't quite ready to introduce to the stuation yet so he's not around when the children are there.

So when my children were young and i met a new partner, unless i felt it was going to be a long term thing, they never met him. When i did meet someone who was long term, i introduced him after about 9 months. He stayed at mine when the kids were with their dad and even when they did meet him, he rarely stayed here when they were around because i preferred it that way. Was that deceptive?

The OP's situation is obviously more delicate. There's nothing unethical about not involving her young children until they feel it's right, in fact i'd say that's pretty bloody ethical.

bimandbam

"I could personally see the advantages of a set up like this. Only having to share a bed 3 nights a week. Plenty of me time in between but without the uncertainty of being single or dating. No expectations to live together or get married. Another woman who I presume I would be.emotionally close to."

I feel this way - I feel as if those of you who are huffing that getting part of a man is DEFINITELY a raw deal are massively missing the point that everyone wants different things. for me, a man who's there sometimes, a woman friend who's emotionally close and completely trustworthy, some children, and some time alone, sounds absolutely brilliant. Assuming they were all the right people, obviously. hard to manage, I imagine.

It's not like conventional marriages are effortless. We have a society that does its best to behave as if the only way to live is in pair bonded hetero sexual couples. Finances, holidays, houses, all social instututions just expect this. (ask a single person or a lesbian whether this is the case, if you've missed it.) And yet - despite all this assumption and expectation - these relationships are SO hard to wrangle.

the conservtism and hostility on this thread is shocking. So sneery. It's awful. I think there is an undertone of fear; I think deep down many of you think that any sort of poly-type thing is really a form of infidelity and ADULTERERS THREATEN MY OWN MARRIAGE (in some weird indirect way)

Sad. Definitely leaving mn. The small mindedness and aggression is getting more and more marked.