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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider changing my name by deed poll?

141 replies

PregnantAndEngaged · 04/03/2016 16:40

I am engaged and we have a son who has taken my partners surname. Our son was unplanned (but very welcome of course :D), however it meant that all our wedding fund went on buying a house pronto and getting things for the baby etc. I am going back to work part time and know that a wedding is years away as things stand because we simply can't afford to save for it.

I am a traditionalist and always wanted to be married before children and would like to have my sons surname as well as the surname of my partner who I feel like I'm married to anyway, even though we haven't had an actual wedding.

So I've been considering changing my name to Mrs (from Miss) [same first name] [same middle name] His Surname. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 04/03/2016 16:42

Why don't you just do a registry office quick wedding? It doesn't have to cost a lot.

HarlettOScara · 04/03/2016 16:43

Just get married quietly in a registry office. You can then do the whole big wedding shebang when funds allow.

Firstlawofholes · 04/03/2016 16:43

Why don't you just get married? Just the two of you (plus witnesses) in a registry office, no need for a big party. Then have the party later on if you still want to.

Surely it would be better to be married from a security point of view anyway (since you don't seem to have anything against the idea anyway)?

mrsmugoo · 04/03/2016 16:44

Why not just get legally married in a registry office, no fuss, just turn up and say I do, sign the papers and leave.

Then have a "proper" ceremony and reception with guests, flowers, dressed, bells and whistles when you can afford it.

GastonsPomPomWrath · 04/03/2016 16:44

I was going to say the same. You can marry in jeans and a tshirt. It doesn't have to be the full shebang until you can afford it.

Original poster
PregnantAndEngaged · 04/03/2016 16:45

I want to have a 'proper' wedding. I couldn't think how else to say this. I don't mean to say people who have a registry office wedding haven't done it properly. But it's not romantic enough for me. I want to get married in a church or something, and I would like to have the party straight afterwards not several years down the line. I'd feel like a fraud to already be married and then years later invite everyone to our "wedding".

OP posts:
MoltoIncazzata · 04/03/2016 16:47

You cannot afford a 'wedding' and the sooner you face up to that the better. The sentiment should, in my opinion, be about the marriage and the reasons for it rather than the huge party which you can't afford.
Is it legal to call yourself 'Mrs' when you're not? I genuinely don't know!

GastonsPomPomWrath · 04/03/2016 16:48

In the nicest way possible, isn't it even more fraudulent to take dp's name without the marriage bit? Smile

ToadsforJustice · 04/03/2016 16:48

Do you want a wedding or a marriage? Your wedding day is just that - a day.

Pannacott · 04/03/2016 16:51

Yep go for, change your name. I can't think why anyone would have a problem with you doing this, and it's not really any of their business. I understand not wanting to have two 'weddings'. But you should consider that being unmarried does leave you vulnerable in various ways.

Original poster
PregnantAndEngaged · 04/03/2016 16:51

I don't think so Gaston as me taking his name would not inconvenience anyone but to invite people to our wedding reception years later (we both live miles from our family etc) would inconvenience everyone if we are already married.

Molto, I've looked into it. You can have whatever title you like except if it implies you have an academic status that you don't hold e.g. Dr, or if you are pretending to be royal. So basically you can register yourself under Miss, Ms or Mrs even if you would otherwise be known by a different title. You don't even need a deed poll to change a title like this. The deed poll would be to change the surname, but as part of that I'd also change my title to Mrs.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 04/03/2016 16:53

If you change your name to Mrs His Surname and you get married at some point - won't it look odd on your marriage certificate - having the same name?

PommelandCantle · 04/03/2016 16:54

Have a registry office wedding. A year/5 years later have a huge anniversary bash. The puffy white dress and stress doesn't make you more married. The day after you'll still be Mrs xxx. What does your DP think. What's involved and how much does it cost? If you change your name to Mrs now everyone is going to think you got married anyway. You'll probably end opening a can of worms.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/03/2016 16:56

I'd think someone who did this was a bit.....odd.

ThorsLady · 04/03/2016 16:56

You sound like you want a wedding day rather than an actual marriage.

I can't get my head around how bizarre it is wanting to change your name but not just get married? Hmm

Registry office marriages can be extremely romantic if you genuinely love your partner and want nothing more than to spend the rest of your days as man and wife. You don't need a fancy church, a big white dress and spending thousands on a one day party to achieve that.

PommelandCantle · 04/03/2016 16:57

And the romantic moment is looking into your DP's eyes as he says I do.

FigMango1 · 04/03/2016 16:58

Why not have a registery wedding and a renewal a few years later? I think changing surnames to match if you aren't married sounds a bit of a farce.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/03/2016 16:58

I've just noticed that as well as changing your surname that you also want to change your title from Miss to Mrs?

I'd think you were doubly odd.

With a side order of wackadoodle.

GastonsPomPomWrath · 04/03/2016 16:59

You could marry in a registry office now then, when you can afford it, have a blessing in a church that everyone is invited to. The service would be virtually the same as a wedding then follow it with a reception.

Original poster
PregnantAndEngaged · 04/03/2016 17:02

I do want a marriage obviously, however we already practically married. We have lived together for 4 years, we own our own house together and have a baby. So yes, I do also want a wedding.

Legally we're fairly protected. Our house nd furniture awould pass on survivorship if either of us died because we own it as joint tenants. My partner already has parental responsibility of our son as he is registered on the birth certificate. We have life insurance with each other listed as beneficiaries. We have no money or anything else that would pass on to anyone else in our family on death. The only thing that's not covered really is what happens on separation, however (a) we're both reasonable people (b) we have a son so we'd not leave each other in shit positions (c) I wouldn't want to get married to protect myself in case of separation anyway, that wouldn't be a good sign upon entering a marriage!

OP posts:
strongswans · 04/03/2016 17:03

If you actually want to get married then get married, a simple ceremony with witness'/close family. You could have a lovely meal somewhere after to celebrate. Then if you still want the 'wedding' when funds allow do that/ have a renewal. Marriage is about committing to your partner not a big day. I agree with others it is more of a farce to me changing to Mrs Smith when you aren't. I'd think that is really odd. Wouldn't question why you had a quiet ceremony and a bigger one later on. It shows your love and commitment.

Katenka · 04/03/2016 17:04

So you are changing your name to Mrs dos surname all because you want a romantic wedding.

Personally I think making sure the mother of your child has all the legal protection she needs is really romantic.

pluck · 04/03/2016 17:04

You could have a blessing after a register office marriage. I've been to a couple: there are orders of service so hymns and sermon and all that are all possible!

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/03/2016 17:05

(a) we're both reasonable people

Lots of people are reasonable when they're in love.

Katenka · 04/03/2016 17:05

Mrs DPs surname

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