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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider changing my name by deed poll?

141 replies

PregnantAndEngaged · 04/03/2016 16:40

I am engaged and we have a son who has taken my partners surname. Our son was unplanned (but very welcome of course :D), however it meant that all our wedding fund went on buying a house pronto and getting things for the baby etc. I am going back to work part time and know that a wedding is years away as things stand because we simply can't afford to save for it.

I am a traditionalist and always wanted to be married before children and would like to have my sons surname as well as the surname of my partner who I feel like I'm married to anyway, even though we haven't had an actual wedding.

So I've been considering changing my name to Mrs (from Miss) [same first name] [same middle name] His Surname. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 04/03/2016 19:44

Mrs. is a title. You can use that title after your married. You can't change your name to include that bit, any more than I can add Dr. by way of a name pole.

SwedeDreams · 04/03/2016 20:01

Anyone can call themselves Mrs. You don't have to be married.

marjolaine · 04/03/2016 20:03

If you really, really are going to get married anyway and not "engaged" indefinitely why don't you just wait until you do get married to change? Confused

I know someone who did this; they never did get married after all... As with pp, it does seem a bit desperate to me too.

Out2pasture · 04/03/2016 20:10

My review of Emily Post suggests it is a title for married and also divorced women. No mention of it being suitable for unmarried women.

HereIAm20 · 04/03/2016 20:15

We had friends who we knew as Mr X and Mrs X and we were then surprised 10 years later to get a wedding invitation to their wedding. They did it for the same reasons as you and had a little box X. They all shared the surname. Its a very easy thing to do so I would just do it and have the wedding you want when you can afford it

SwedeDreams · 04/03/2016 20:15

facts on changing your title anyone can be a Mrs. Even a man can be a Mrs if he wants to. It's just a courtesy title.

Orda1 · 04/03/2016 20:26

It's all very cringe and I reckon people would be laughing about it behind your back.

stitchglitched · 04/03/2016 20:36

I think it's a bit odd. It would have been easier just to give your child your surname if it was important to you to share a name with him.

user1456843986 · 04/03/2016 20:43

I don't know what you should do about your name but I have to disagree with everyone saying get married. My wedding day was the best day of my life and I don't regret a single penny I spent. You can't put a price on your memories. Wait till you have the money to have the wedding you want.

Melshmel13 · 04/03/2016 20:44

H

Orda1 · 04/03/2016 20:45

You can put a price on 'memories', about 20k I'd say.

vvviola · 04/03/2016 20:56

OP, just to give you my experience.

DD1 was a pleasant surprise, and we had already booked church, hotel etc for 2 years later (for various work related reasons). I was quite happy with that until a hospital visit at 6 months pregnant reminded me that DP didn't count as my next of kin, and that if any emergency decisions needed to be made at he hospital they would have to go to my parents.

I may have had a little meltdown.

We were married in the registry office a month later. The only witnesses were my parents. It looked like a shotgun wedding Grin. It was quite lovely actually (Belfast City Hall being so gorgeous helped).

But the thing was, the church part was very important to me. So we kept the booking, made no fuss about being already married, only changed my name on doctor's records and my passport.

We then had a blessing and a wedding as planned. It was lovely, and those people who knew we had already done the legal part had no problem coming along to help us celebrate.

And, now that I think of it, I've been to two other weddings where the legal/civil part had already happened (in fact on mainland Europe that is the law - you have to do the church and registry office seperately)

NinaSimoneful · 04/03/2016 21:49

I want to get married in a church or something

Grin It's very important to me! Or something.

Is it important to you to get married in a church (or, you know, something) because of your unshakeable, deep seated, uncompromising religious beliefs? Is your son going to be page boy/ring bearer?

I'd feel like a fraud to already be married and then years later invite everyone to our "wedding

But you wouldn't feel like a fraud to change your surname and introduce yourself as 'Mrs.'? As PPs have said, Mrs. is not a legally protected title so you can certainly ask people to address you as such. In a lot of countries the equivalent title would be more to do with age than martial status, you'd be called señorita as a married 20 year old, but something tells me you're not asking people to call you 'mrs.' because you feel you've reached a certain age.

If you want a big frills wedding that's entirely your right, if that's what you and your fiancé want to spend your money on that then that's your call. But how long are you planning to save for it? Are you okay with not actually being married for potentially many more years as, realistically, a wedding will not be on the front burner with a young family to fund? For how long will pretending keep you satisfied?

Are you going to buy yourselves pretend wedding rings?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 04/03/2016 22:16

My wedding day was the best day of my life and I don't regret a single penny I spent. You can't put a price on your memories

My memories are absolutely priceless too.

They're about going to our wedding ceremony and knowing the love of my life would be there waiting for me. Seeing him as I approached and smiling at each other and just knowing it was the right thing we were doing. Committing and promising to each other and being married. Feeling absolutely overwhelming love and happiness.

Everything else is just partying and that you certainly do put a price on. A £100, £1000 or £10000 dress, a buffet put on by your family or a four course feast with fine wines, a sponge cake or a towering work of art? etc. etc. That's absolutely not the stuff that makes a marriage. A bride in a £10000 dress isn't necessarily going to be a happier wife than one who turns up in something from the back of the wardrobe.

Those things are not about being married, they're just about having a big 'do'

insideoutsider · 05/03/2016 08:44

OP, don't do it. God forbid, but what if you split up before the wedding? Will you then change your name back? Why the title Mrs when you aren't actually that? It all does sound very desperate and people will coo at it but laugh loudly behind your back. It also sounds very needy. Does DP enthusiastically agree that you do this? His side is important.

To share in the embarrassment of this, why doesn't he also change his name to a double-barrelled one. That would show committment to each other. OR why don't you change your son's name to a double-barrelled one to include yours?

It's not a good idea to change your name and title to a married one if you aren't married. There's no reasonable justification for it.

molyholy · 05/03/2016 09:03

One of these yet again
OP - Aibu
Majority - a bit
OP - well I don't think I am

You're on the wrong board

Eminybob · 05/03/2016 09:05

My judgement may be clouded here as I am having a small registry office wedding on May. No guests just witnesses.

This is because, yes I do want to share a name with my DP and DS, and I want us to be married for all the romantic and legal reasons.
I just can't get my head around the whole "big wedding" thing. If you want to be married, get married. It's about the 2 of you and the rest of your lives, not a big show off day for the benefit of a bunch of other people. I mean, that's fine if you can afford it and if it's what you want, but if, like me, you'll never be able to afford it (having children means there will always be something better to spend your money on than a party) then why put the the other reasons for getting married on hold indefinitely? It doesn't make sense to me. That's just my opinion though.

Also just my opinion, but I just cannot see for the life of me why changing your name by deed poll is nessesary. It won't make your DP your husband, won't give you any more legal protection, it won't make you any closer to being a family. It's just a bit odd.

Eminybob · 05/03/2016 09:11

Just to clarify my last point, you are already a family, having the same name or different names doesn't change that.

Notso · 05/03/2016 09:19

If having the same name as your son means so much to you why didn't you give him your surname until you were married?

Cabrinha · 05/03/2016 09:20

Honestly?
If I knew someone had done this I'd think she was desperate to be married and he wasn't, and feel a bit sorry for her.

I never changed my name, but chose to give my child his name cos it's a nicer name. Quite useful now we're divorced Grin I don't feel any less her mother.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 05/03/2016 09:31

A neighbour did this and it was brought up in every conversation "you know they're not married?"

It appeared that he didn't want to marry her ... When nobody knew the truth really...

It's odd -

FWIW we got married for £500 in Gretna - couple of witnesses - perfectly romantic -

RoboticSealpup · 05/03/2016 10:29

As you say yourself, OP, you're already living as a married couple. You have a baby and own property together. And now you want to take that over step further by calling yourself "Mrs Hisname".

After all that, you still want to save thousands of pounds in other to make a big song and dance about your commitment to each other? Why? Are you planning to have hen/stag parties where you partake in the whole "last night of freedom"- charade as well? Are you expecting friends and family to be super excited that two people who are practically married already, are finally going to sign the paperwork to make the arrangement legally valid?

I'm sorry if you think I'm being horribly rude here, but this is AIBU and I think you're being unreasonable if you can't see that the big white wedding ship has in fact sailed long ago.

bananafish81 · 05/03/2016 11:18

We had a registry office wedding that was running into the town hall, saying I do, and running out again and over the road for burgers and all day breakfasts

We then at a later date had a big fuck off Jew(ish) wedding with all the bells and whistles. We had to do it separately because our wedding ceremony was a blessing rather than a legal marriage, as I'm Jewish and he isn't so we had to be married civilly as well.

Honestly I cannot recommend it enough. It was bloody awesome

Our actual marriage was just about us. No stress. No timetable. No hair and makeup. U got to be with the man I love and exchange vows and rings.

Our wedding was a fantastic day. Ceremony and rituals and tradition and a massive knees up with friends and family and dancing and cake and all that jazz. Best day ever.

But doing it separately didn't take away from it. It added to it for us.

I got to have a private, beautiful moment where we pledged ourselves to each other than was just about us

Then I got to do it again in the company of everyone I love. Awesome!!

It's not for everyone but I had two of the best days of my life.

We did say afterwards 'can we stop getting married now??!' though Grin

Katenka · 05/03/2016 11:53

So you are going to get all the legal protection a marriage give, change you name to Mrs dps surname rather than just get married as you want a big romantic wedding.

Imo that's unreasonable.

SauvignonBlanche · 05/03/2016 12:10

You're focusing on the wedding not the marriage which is the important bit

Seems wise advice to me, you've already said that you are living as man and wife but without the legal protection afforded by this, changing your name won't change that. I also agree that,

I think you're being unreasonable if you can't see that the big white wedding ship has in fact sailed long ago.

Just get married if that's what you want.