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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider changing my name by deed poll?

141 replies

PregnantAndEngaged · 04/03/2016 16:40

I am engaged and we have a son who has taken my partners surname. Our son was unplanned (but very welcome of course :D), however it meant that all our wedding fund went on buying a house pronto and getting things for the baby etc. I am going back to work part time and know that a wedding is years away as things stand because we simply can't afford to save for it.

I am a traditionalist and always wanted to be married before children and would like to have my sons surname as well as the surname of my partner who I feel like I'm married to anyway, even though we haven't had an actual wedding.

So I've been considering changing my name to Mrs (from Miss) [same first name] [same middle name] His Surname. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
LittleRedSparke · 04/03/2016 17:05

I think you'd be much better off getting married now, you'd be protected financially etc as well

You could have a reception in a field, and make it beautiful cheaply

You're focusing on the wedding not the marriage which is the important bit

ChessieFL · 04/03/2016 17:05

My cousin's girlfriend has changed her name by deed poll so she has same surname as him and their kids. However she calls herself Ms not Mrs. They also have no intention of ever getting married, which is why she did it. I think it's an odd thing to do if you do still intend to do it but it's up to you!

ChessieFL · 04/03/2016 17:07

Do either of you have pensions? You may find that they will only pay out to a spouse rather than a partner.

thatstoast · 04/03/2016 17:07

I knew someone who did this except I met her afterwards. If you meet someone who is Mrs X and you meet her partner who is Mr X you do tend to assume they're married so it was quite odd when I was invited to their wedding.

LittleRedSparke · 04/03/2016 17:07

Hardly anyone going into a relationship with a view to being an arsehole of it goes tits up, but as you can see from the threads here, they certainly do...

JapanNextYear · 04/03/2016 17:08

Didn't change my name on marriage so you've completely lost me I'm afraid.

emwithme · 04/03/2016 17:08

So have a "proper" wedding, but on a budget.

Midweek rather than weekend. Dress from Monsoon or BHS (or eBay - mine was £80 from China and was fucking gorgeous). No sit down meal, hot buffet for everyone in the upstairs/back room of a pub.

Basically - how weddings used to be before the Wedding Industry came along.

Nydj · 04/03/2016 17:08

Personally, I think this is really odd and a bit 'needy' but if it is what makes you happy, I can't see that it would hurt anyone so go for it.

allegretto · 04/03/2016 17:09

I think I would feel a bit strange telling all my friends that I had changed my name but wasn't actually married - sounds a bit desperate, sorry!

Original poster
PregnantAndEngaged · 04/03/2016 17:10

Nydj, what makes you think it's needy?

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 04/03/2016 17:10

I'm sorry, but you're coming across as incredibly shallow. You either want to be married, or you want a diva day.

TooAswellAlso · 04/03/2016 17:17

So you'll be Mrs DP surname, but still tick the single box on all the forms for insurance etc?

You'll be Mrs DP surname but get none of the married spouse protection if he ends the marriage?

Really? Spend the £60 deed poll money on a small quick wedding. Then in a few years throw a big bash.

Changing your name to Mrs something, when you aren't actually Mrs, is just silly tbh.

Topseyt · 04/03/2016 17:19

We did the big wedding and honeymoon. Yes, we loved it and it was romantic, but we are no more married than others who had registry office weddings. You could have the registry office ceremony now and a bigger renewal of vows party when you can afford it.

Nydj · 04/03/2016 17:27

To take on someone else's name seems a bit odd to me anyway, even if you were married, but to do it without getting married is the bit that sounds a bit 'needy'. I would find it a bit odd if my husband who does not have the same surname as me and our son said he was going to tell people we were married (I think changing your title to Mrs is effectively telling people you are married when you are not) and change his surname to mine and our child 's surname.

snorepatrol · 04/03/2016 17:34

Personally I would not change my name by deed poll I'd get married in a registry office and then spend a few years saving for a blessing and party. You can have a blessing in a church on your anniversary or as you're already married you can have a blessing anywhere you like really beach, any building that allows you, castle etc and you're not limited to the uk laws around what's buildings you can get married in.

I get the impression you would find it an anticlimax to get married quietly and then have a party later on but it might also seem just as much an anti climax changing your name by deed pole and getting married later on.
You'll already have the same name be known as Mrs XXXX and be living as husband and wife anyway.

I would either save and wait or get married at a registry office but that's just my opinion if you feel more comfortable changing your name by deed pole then do it.

daffodilsandbooks · 04/03/2016 17:41

I call myself Mrs even though I've never been married.

I think I'd just get married in your shoes though.

Tiggeryoubastard · 04/03/2016 17:44

If you're that desperate for people to think you're married then get married. There's something sad and pitiful to pretend like this.

RB68 · 04/03/2016 17:46

I would get married in a Church (doesn't have to cost alot same as registry really) and just have a do in the church hall and DIY as much as you can - seriously if you have reliable family that can help too it will be great.

GrimDamnFanjo · 04/03/2016 17:51

There's no mention of what your partner thinks about this. I may be reading between the lines but it sounds like marriage isn't on the cards from his perspective.

Oysterbabe · 04/03/2016 17:51

I think it's a bit weird and unnecessary. I'd just keep my own name until I was in a position to marry. Why are you so keen to change it now?
It was lovely to become Mrs Oysterbabe on my wedding day.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/03/2016 17:53

You should get married.

AuntieFlaubert · 04/03/2016 17:54

Even a 'proper' wedding in a church doesn't have to cost a fortune. And a get-together afterwards in a private room at a pub. You could do the whole thing well for £1,000 or less.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/03/2016 17:57

I think the fact that the OP wants to change her name to Mrs Married Name by deed poll rather than have a cheap and cheerful wedding means she's not going to go for any of these budget ideas.

CheshireChat · 04/03/2016 17:58

Just wanted to say you DON'T have to pay anything go change your name by deed poll, my partner's done for free and it was absolutely fine. Just buy some parchment paper from hobbycraft and you're good to go.
freedeedpoll.org.uk/

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/03/2016 18:00

Honestly, bonkers threads like these just reinforce my belief that kids should be given both their parents surnames.