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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider changing my name by deed poll?

141 replies

PregnantAndEngaged · 04/03/2016 16:40

I am engaged and we have a son who has taken my partners surname. Our son was unplanned (but very welcome of course :D), however it meant that all our wedding fund went on buying a house pronto and getting things for the baby etc. I am going back to work part time and know that a wedding is years away as things stand because we simply can't afford to save for it.

I am a traditionalist and always wanted to be married before children and would like to have my sons surname as well as the surname of my partner who I feel like I'm married to anyway, even though we haven't had an actual wedding.

So I've been considering changing my name to Mrs (from Miss) [same first name] [same middle name] His Surname. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

RubyRoseViolet · 05/03/2016 12:33

I love banana fishes' post! That truly does sound gorgeous! We've done something similar, we are already civil partnered but this year we're "upgrading to a wedding" (the actual term given to this by the registrars!). We're doing it in an extremely grand, beautiful location with close family and friends. It's SO exciting! I actually do understand your need to be married AND to want a lovely wedding op. All I would say is it doesn't need to cost a fortune, you can have a superb day without spending 20 k. Obviously up to you though!!

YouMakeMyDreams · 05/03/2016 12:49

I think the bit that seems ironic to me is saying you don't want a small quicky wedding because it's not romantic enough but neither is a bit of paper you've paid for to pretend you are. It's a bit like playing house. It would be far more romantic to have a small intimate ceremony looking into each others eyes than get a rubber stamped piece of paper in the post saying here's your new name.
Fwiw I've been married twice first was parents and siblings at the registry office back to our house for a party then we all went to the pub. Was ace had a great day.

Second it was 70 odd people in a small chapel on a highland estate then sit down meal and reception in a hotel. Was also ace and loved every minute. And you know what all in they actual probably cost about the same. I got a gorgeous dress from bhs and the hotel had an amazing package deal. Made my flowers, invitations, the decoration myself and mil baked the cake.

I feel no different bring get married in a bigger do in a bigger dress than I did being married in a small one in a registry office.

AyeAmarok · 05/03/2016 13:04

Awful idea. You will look ridiculous.

Sorry, but you will.

JCLNE · 05/03/2016 13:11

I don't understand why, in 2016, people are so weird about things like names and "titles". It's as if some of you still thought that being a married woman confers some kind of status, which you don't want to share with those who haven't earned it by being legally married to a husband. WTF?

Just change your name, OP. Your reasons make perfect sense. (And I say this as someone who's in a civil partnership, allergic to weddings, and will never be anything but Ms MyOwnName.) I'm quite happy to call people whatever they prefer to be called, without demanding any justification for it.

ADishBestEatenCold · 05/03/2016 13:32

"I don't think it's a crime to prefer to save for a lovely wedding day whilst also in the short-term taking his surname so that I can have the same surname as my son."

Somebody might have already asked you this, PregnantAndEngaged, so sorry if I'm repeating, but ... when it gets to that 'lovely wedding day' will you be okay with the fact that you will not be marrying as PaE OwnSurname, you will be marrying as PaE DPsSurname?
So on your Marriage Documents/Certificate your maiden surname will be DPsSurname and the only way your actual maiden surname could appear is as a 'formerly'.

Or do you intend to change back to your own surname, by deed poll, just before the wedding, so you can change it 'by marriage' afterwards.

quicklydecides · 05/03/2016 13:35

I can promise you that people will think that he is refusing to marry you and that you are desperate.
It is beyond tragic.

AyeAmarok · 05/03/2016 13:39

It's not about that at all, JC.

It's not about titles or status. Many women these days get married and keep their own name, and the title Ms.

It's about not pretending that you are married by calling yourself Mrs HisName, when you aren't married, and your reason for not actually getting married is that you don't want to look like a fraud

JanetOfTheApes · 05/03/2016 13:39

I don't see why anyone has such strong opinions on this. If you want to change your name, do it. It makes absolutely zero difference to anyone, anywhere. So knock yourself out.

Same with wanting to wait for a bigger wedding, who but you cares? Do it, if thats what you want.

Honestly wondering WTF about all the rest of these answers, people acting as if this is an actual thing anyone needs to have an opinion on.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 05/03/2016 13:48

Quickly, I think most people would reach that conclusion. I can understand wanting the same name as your child but if you have children unmarried then you just give them your name and change both if a marriage ever happens.

The fascination and spend fest of huge weddings is getting out of hand, it's little wonder so many marriages fail when the bride sees it as her big day rather than the lifelong commitment of marriage.

The vows no longer seem important to many. It's how big the party is. Even worse those that do the small day then have yet another celebration some time after.

If both parties truly want to be married and spend the rest of their life together then simple vows are enough in front of family. The rest is just cosmetic.

SelfRaisingFlour · 05/03/2016 14:07

I used to work for a magazine and we got a letter from a Patrick Swayze fan about Patrick Swayze. . This woman's name was Patricia Swayze. I guess this was her way of pretending she was married to Patrick Swayze and it was pretty pathetic. (Swayze is a pretty unusual name so I doubt it was her birth name).

You'd be pretty much doing the same thing - pretending to be married.

AuntieFlaubert · 05/03/2016 14:38

Honestly wondering WTF about all the rest of these answers, people acting as if this is an actual thing anyone needs to have an opinion on.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the OP ask for the opinions?
and disagreed with most of them

Bishybishybarnabee · 05/03/2016 14:44

people acting as if this is an actual thing anyone needs to have an opinion on.

I guess because, by the nature of posting in AIBU, the OP asked for opinions.....?

OP, do what you want , but yes it seems a little odd to me, and if someone told me they were doing this I would (unfairly or not) assume it was some 'compromise' because he didn't actually want to get married.

JanetOfTheApes · 05/03/2016 14:44

She did, but I imagine she's astounded at the scale of some of these opinions. And quite how bonkers some of them are. It's such an innocuous query and some really quite horrible answers, it doesn't really add up.
Surely there are more contentious threads for people to get het up about, if they enjoy that?

JCLNE · 05/03/2016 16:03

I can promise you that people will think that he is refusing to marry you and that you are desperate.
It is beyond tragic.

Tragic, yes. Welcome to the 1950s.

YakTriangle · 05/03/2016 16:10

You could spend 15K on a wedding and everything could go horribly wrong. You could spend £200 on a register office wedding and it could be lovely.
The location and cost have nothing to do with how perfect day you end up with. And you don't need the same surname as your DC to be their mother.

DotForShort · 05/03/2016 17:03

I would think it a bit odd to take your partner's name and call yourself Mrs without being married. I mean, if you want to, it's no skin off anyone else's nose. But it does seem odd to me.

Then again, I think it's odd for women to change their names upon marriage. And I have never understood the appeal of a big, expensive wedding. So what do I know?

LittleRedSparke · 05/03/2016 17:18

"I think people are being a bit mean to the OP. So what if this is what she wants? It's what she wants and it's not affecting any of you is it?!! "

This is a discussion board remember, and OP posted here to ask what people think, if she wants to do it then go and do it, dont post asking what people think...

squoosh · 05/03/2016 18:43

I'd cringe for anyone who did this. I'm afraid 'desperate' is indeed the word that is springing to mind.

LettingAgentNightmare · 05/03/2016 18:54

I would laugh inside a lot at a woman who did this.

It screams desperate.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 06/03/2016 10:23

I'm laughing like a fucking drain at the hysterical "if he didn't want to marry me, he wouldn't have proposed would he?!!!?!11!!?!1" bullshit. Lots of men propose to get a bit of peace and quiet. It's fairly standard, especially among men who are crap at gifts so tend to buy a cheap to middling ring for a Christmas/new year/Valentine present.

The marriage certificate should be enough. Everything else is fluff. If the fluff is more important that saying the vows to your partner then you really need to reconsider your relationship.

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 06/03/2016 11:49

Agree with the masses, sounds ridiculous and I'm sorry to say a bit desperate. If it was one of my friends I would pull this face and tell them the same thing.

Just get married.

RhiWrites · 06/03/2016 12:15

OP, you say your main motivation is wanting your whole family to have the same name. I promise you that most schools and other bodies will assume that you are Mrs Hisname.

I'm not and my mother isn't but throughout my years at school letters home were addressed to Mrs Dadsname (who was actually my nana who lived with us). My mother is Ms Hername but no one ever remembered it.

I'm not married to my partner but people still refer to him as my husband and call me Mrs.

Personally I find this MADDENING but since it's actually what you want, there's no need to change your name legally. Just enjoy the fact that the vast majority of people will assume you have your husband's name because women don't have an independent identity.

80sMum · 06/03/2016 12:26

You can call yourself what you like, OP. No need for deed polls.

But I think you might be kinder to yourself if you could just accept that the big white wedding is not going to happen. You can't afford it at the moment and it seems madness to me that you should devote thousands of pounds of your savings over the next couple of years to saving for what is essentially a very expensive party. You must, surely, have many other more important things you would like to do with your hard-earned cash? Don't waste it! Have a simpler wedding ceremony sooner. Then you can change your name on marriage and have the security that being married brings.

You are, to all intents and purposes, already 'married' to your DP anyway, in that you're living together as man and wife and have had a child together, so the whole big wedding ceremony/party thing seems a little incongruous in those circumstances. Getting married now is simply the means of formalising and legally recognising what you already have - and it will be as romantic and meaningful as you want it to be..

LogicalThinking · 06/03/2016 16:34

I know someone who changed her name to Mrs boyfriedsurname and she refers to him as her husband. They have been together and engaged now for about 30 years with no wedding in sight!

bananafish81 · 06/03/2016 16:46

I don't understand why you would change your name and call yourself Mrs, live as a married couple but not avail yourself of the legal protection afforded to you as an actually married couple

Each to their own, but it's worth remembering that there is no legal recognition of common law spouses. So do whatever pleases you and suits you, but do so fully cognisant of the implications

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