To consider changing my name by deed poll?

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I am engaged and we have a son who has taken my partners surname. Our son was unplanned (but very welcome of course :D), however it meant that all our wedding fund went on buying a house pronto and getting things for the baby etc. I am going back to work part time and know that a wedding is years away as things stand because we simply can't afford to save for it.

I am a traditionalist and always wanted to be married before children and would like to have my sons surname as well as the surname of my partner who I feel like I'm married to anyway, even though we haven't had an actual wedding.

So I've been considering changing my name to Mrs (from Miss) [same first name] [same middle name] His Surname. What are your thoughts?

You do realise that to marry in nchurch the vicar needs to read your Banns notice out on at least 3 occasions? It is going to raise more than a few eyebrows to announce MRS PregnantandEngaged, Spinster of this parish to marry Mr PregnantandEngaged. Also the marriage cert is going to look very odd too.

Yes I do think YABU.

I am a traditionalist and always wanted to be married before children

Unfortunately that didn't happen. Changing your name doesn't change that. You are still unmarried and I think wanting to change your name is a bandaid for your actual issue. I think you're looking down on yourself, or worried others look down on you, for not being married before having your son. I could be totally wrong but that's the only thing that makes sense as to why you're wanting to lie to people and pretend to be a Mrs when you're not, because why does it matter otherwise? You'd end up not bothering to explain to people that you're not actually married so people will think it anyway.

I don't see any difference between changing your name now and having a fancy wedding or getting married and having a fancy wedding. In fact, I'd wager by the time you actually have your fancy wedding many people will already believe you're married and just having a fancy vow renewal. I know a woman that got married in secret and then had a "wedding" a year later. In fact people only refer to it as a "wedding" (inverted commas) and I think that's a bit sad. Many people just think she lied to get presents/gift and have something all about her... it was seen as very attention seeking. It would have been much better to admit it was a vow renewal.

I just cannot imagine pretending to be married by calling myself Mrs X and frankly I don't understand it. If you are going to get married then your name will , eventually, be the same as your child and fiance. It seems completely farcical to pretend you're his wife (and by calling yourself Mrs you are doing that) when you're not.

I don't say any of this to be mean, I just think you've got blinders on about what is really going on here. You wanted to be married before having a child, you weren't. You want a big fancy wedding, that might not happen either. It doesn't make your child any more loved, and a small intimate wedding doesn't make your marriage any less real.

How would you explain to people that you have changed your name? It does sound tragic to me. You want to live a pretend life.

it's your life so do whatever makes you happy.

this comment made me laugh though, I'd feel like a fraud to already be married and then years later invite everyone to our "wedding"

you had kids before you got married, lived with him before you got married, you're doing practically everything that traditionally you do AFTER you get married but having a simple civil ceremony to legally protect yourself makes you feel like a 'fraud'?

you know, many people who are married have these ceremonies called 'blessings' when they feel like reaffirming their vows......

It wouldn't be any of my business but since you asked... In RL I would assume he didn't want to marry you. On here it sounds as if seeming to be married and having a big wedding is actually more important than getting married to the man you love. If it is, go for it.

BTW your equivalent of all those older relations who insist on using my DH's name even though I don't when they write to me, they are going to be confused and possibly upset.

Actually you don't need a deed poll to change any part of your name. There us no central registry of names and you can call yourself anything you like as long as there is no intention to commit fraud. Deed polls are a waste of time and money.

Everyone who has responded has focussed on ways that you can change your name to be the same as your son's OP. I'd like to understand why it is so important that you and your son share a surname? It is not that unusual in this day and age for a woman to keep her own name after marriage, yet the default is to give the child the father's surname if not double barrelling, so there must be legions of kids out there who don't share a name with their Mum. I am sure admin systems are able to deal with it. Unlike for a father who does not share his child's name, people are unlikely to assume you aren't his Mum, so what's the big deal really as long as your family unit is secure and your son knows both parents love him unconditionally?

My suggestion would be that you just get over this weird notion until you have saved enough money to have the wedding that you want to have.

I don't have the same name as my son and it's fine, but if I was bothered I would have given him my surname. Why didn't you do that if it was so important to share a name?

In terms of your name-change idea, honestly? I think it's weird and embarrassing and I am 100% certain than people will think you are desperate to be married but your partner doesn't want it. Loads of men propose to keep the peace with no intention of ever getting married. I would assume that is what had happened to you.

All that said, it's your choice and it doesn't affect me so if it's what you want then go for it. But do it in the knowledge that people around you will judge you for it.

I'm quite surprised by the depth of feeling on this thread as I have done what the OP is proposing.

At one point DH, DS and I each had different surnames which was really awkward and not something any of us were overly thrilled with. DS took DH's name by deed poll (and later adoption) and I changed mine by deed poll a few months later (though I normally call myself MsMagentaSpunkTrumpet rather than Mrs)
We fully intend to get married but have just not ever got round to it. The fact that everyone automatically assumes we are married has also made things slightly more delicate!
I have no regrets, other than the fact that we are not actually married. I have the same name as my family, my fathers family name has finally died out and I quite like my new name anyway

I can assure you all, my fiance did not propose to keep the peace. I never even mentioned marriage to him and was not expecting him to propose at all. It was entirely his idea. We were going on holiday and he'd planned the proposal there so well I had absolutely no idea he was going to do it (should've assumed something was up as he started to act really weird when we were out having cocktails one evening and seemed really shifty lol).

I do appreciate everyone's advice, and actually I'm not ignoring people's advice on here. I just do not like how rude a select few of you have been coming in saying "oh for god sake if you're that desperate". I'm really not desperate. I can appreciate the honesty in those who have said that it would appear desperate though, so thank you.

I have discussed our wedding with my partner (who I actually hadn't mentioned the change of name idea to.. I wanted opinions first) and he still isn't fussed about a registry office wedding and tbh nor am I. I also don't want a 'big' wedding as everyone has assume, but I did want the really nice dress, a sit down meal etc. However we have since discussed and decided perhaps an intimate affair abroad would be better for us, with only a few guests would be lovely.. probably somewhere in Europe, and that way we can reduce costs by tying it in with our honeymoon, and also not having to pay for 60 odd people to wine and dine. We are going to start saving in April after I'm back at work :)

Oh and meant to add, you've convinced me.. will just wait til marriage, which at least is looking more like a couple of years away, than 10 years away lol.

Good luck, and when it happens, enjoy your wedding.

I was in your position OP and actually did change my surname to be the same as my partner and child (for this thread i'll say it was Jones)

However, when we did get married I actually found it very embarrassing when we were saying the vows and I had to say "i Mrs [name] Jones take the Mr [name] Jones to be my husband."

It just sounded silly and I did get some sniggers beforehand when they realised I would have to say that.

It was also annoying when someone wanted my Marriage Certificate for something and it said Mrs Jones and Mr Jones as I had to explain it was changed by deed pole beforehand etc.

If I could go back I would have just stuck it out until we got married. It's not like people tut anymore (well some do) for being an unmarried mother like years ago.

OP Excellent news! With hindsight I'd have much preferred to elope. Cheaper and much less stressful :)

My cousin changed her name to that of her partner's. They had two children and like you she didn't want a different name from them. It was important to her and nobody cared, she's married now. Do what you want.

I can't see why is so odd that two people getting married might already share a surname. Maybe because my grandparents did. She was Ms. Williams, he was Mr. Williams, when they married they were Mr. and Mrs. Williams, it happens sometimes. Especially with really common names like Jones or Smith.

I guess if Ms. Rumplestilskin was marrying Mr. Rumplestilskin it might seem a bit odd.