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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be in love with a 16 year old

554 replies

swordandsparrow · 04/03/2016 12:47

Im 23 with one child whos nearly 2.
He is 16, nearly 17 but has a proper baby face and could easily pass for 13 if he wasnt so tall.
We met at college where I study as a mature student.
Am i wrong to pursue this relationship, i really like him and we get on great but my friend at college says its wrong and i am too old for him Sad

OP posts:
TealLove · 05/03/2016 12:47

I think it may have been deleted.

TealLove · 05/03/2016 12:47

Jesus Maryz ok calm down!

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 12:48

Grin Maryz.

It's possible that the Mum of the 16 year old in the OP is on this thread of course. Shock

Lj8893 · 05/03/2016 12:49

Oh imagine if that was true sparkling Shock

Maryz · 05/03/2016 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phequer · 05/03/2016 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 05/03/2016 12:58

I don't think people have been particularly vehement. I think they've ridiculed the suggestion because it's nonsense. Even the OP has recognised that it's nonsense.

TealLove · 05/03/2016 13:07

In your opinion it's nonsense. It's possible. Just because the OP doesn't think so doesn't mean the suggestion isn't valid.

houseeveryweekend · 05/03/2016 13:17

Its not 'wrong' but it in all honesty probably wont last very long and you may have to accept that.
Hes a young boy and to have a serious relationship with him when you have a young child will be very difficult. Perhaps you should just enjoy it for what it is for the time being?
I think the problems may arise further down the line. In my view hes over the age of consent so having a sexual relationship with him is not wrong... what I would view as wrong however is expecting much from someone so young... he may want to help you and your child and be part of your family but it is slightly unfair for someone so young to be put under that pressure. And I know you will not be putting him under pressure on purpose and he may well seem to happily want the responsibility, its just that it is massive responsibility for someone so young and he may get very involved then further down the line it could be very painful when he realises hes essentially missed out on some of his childhood in a sense.
I have a general idea about this because my OH was in a relationship with a woman 20 years older than him with 4 children when he was only 21. He stayed with her for 15 years. But it was incredibly painful for all involved when he had to leave... which he really did as he had missed so much of his carefree life that everyone is really supposed to have in their youth, that he was becoming resentful.
xxx

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 13:18

DS is at school 6th Form so I it's not me Lj. Phew. Grin

ElderlyKoreanLady · 05/03/2016 13:18

Oh give over Teal. I can understand wanting to defend the OP if she's been called a paedophile. But the appropriate response to being called a paedophile isn't "you're just jealous".

houseeveryweekend · 05/03/2016 13:34

And to all those posters saying 'I wouldn't let my son...'
I have a son and if at 16 he got together with a 23 year old I wouldn't be very happy about it but I certainly wouldn't be nasty to her.
I was not a virgin at 16 and now days my OH is a lot older than me... more than 7 years older so I wouldn't have a leg to stand on to be nasty to the woman!
I would have a word with him about how he may not see the long term implications of having a relationship with someone with a child at his young age. That it may be that he changes so much over the next few years if his life that its unlikely the relationship would survive long term and the more serious he gets about it now the more impact it will have on the child and its mother who perhaps need someone who can commit to them long term and shoulder certain responsibilities that altho he may feel like he can take on at the moment he may not realise the lasting impact that taking them on will have on his life.
I certainly certainly wouldn't brand the woman a pedophile!!! whoever was saying that is pure loops!

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 13:39

I would think most parents of 16 year old sons who get together with 23 year old women have no idea about it at all, it's not like they would mention it.

TealLove · 05/03/2016 14:05

I'd rather my son got together with someone with a baby than someone abusive for example. It doesn't mean the woman is an axe murderer because she has a child.
You can't put a stop to relationships at nearly 17 but you can advise and support.

Damselindestress · 05/03/2016 14:10

I had a 6 month relationship with a similar age gap when I was 16 and have no regrets, he's a nice guy and we're still friends. I was fairly mature for my age and didn't feel that he took advantage. It's a time in my life that I have fond memories of. So I don't think that kind of relationship is automatically wrong.

As he is 16 a relationship would be legal. I think whether it's right depends on the individuals level of emotional maturity. A potential issue is that the fact you have a child might lead to a relationship getting serious more quickly as you would not want to involve someone in your child's life if it was not serious. Is he really ready for that? At his age it's probably better for his emotional development to enjoy dating and explore different experiences rather than settle down so soon. And there are still a lot of life changes ahead of him, he may want to move away for university for example. Something to consider. I'd say stay friends and see what develops when he's older. Something this thread has shown you is that if you pursue the relationship now you would have to deal with a lot of judgement in real life, which could put a lot of stress on a relationship. In a few years he will be more mature and the age gap won't be a big deal.

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 14:14

I think I am just happy for my 16 year old DS to concentrate on his mocks next week at the moment. Grin

dressquestions · 05/03/2016 14:38

I dated a just turned 17 year old when I was 26.

Admittedly I'd assumed he was about my age as he was six foot four and just had a very older looking face and attitude.

When I found out I didn't think it was wrong though. I had two jobs then and the evening job was working in a pizza delivery place where even the managers were barely 18, so it wasn't seen as unusual by our workmates.

I was very emotionally immature which may be why I was attracted to that environment too. I sort of had my teenage rebellion years in my mid 20s.

But we were together for 7 years, and the age gap started to irritate by the time I hit my early 30s and wanted to have some adventures away from our routine working life, yet he he was in his mid 20s by then and wanted to settle down properly. I know that's usually the other way round!

I'm all for age gap relationships, but if you start one with a teenager that young, he's going to become a different person by the time he hits his 20s/30s.

Mountainsarehere · 05/03/2016 15:15

How would we respond to this if a 23 year old man had made this post about a 16 year old girl?

JanetOfTheApes · 05/03/2016 15:16

Mountain, that has been repeatedly asked and answered throughout the thread, perhaps you could read it for the answer you seek?

IcingandSlicing · 05/03/2016 17:25

Right. Sorry if some people thought my comments about trolling were aimed at their comments - they were wrong. I guess the confusion comes because mumsnet's forum doesn't allow to quote the poster you are replying to, so when I post I answer not the poster above me in most cases but a page or several pages back.
I didn't expect people who were not calling names or any other trolling behaviour would think this is meant towards them.

Let me make it clear - I did not advise OP to go ahead with the relationship but to make up her mind on her own, after taking into consideration whatever everyone had to say on the situation - provided it was constructive and insightful.

My comment about the mothers of teenagers actually meant that the huge majority of them would be terrified of course. It's relatable. So what expectations would OP asking for advice from the mothers - maybe 99.9 would say stay away and even threaten her. I don't find this constructive because it shows the point of view of a third party which is neither the girl or the boy in the relationship, however let's say the legal guardian.
Although everyone IS entitled to their opinion and can share it.

Believe it or not 23 is not that old either and I can imagine OP is a young adult confused about her feelings and the whole situation. She is asking for help and got attacked.

Some really nice and honest comments lately though as the lady who was able to share her point of view from her 16-year old self, her 24 year old self and ans I mother.

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 17:28

You just quote what the poster said or highlight their name IcingandSlicing. Save any confusion.

firesidechat · 05/03/2016 18:15

I quote other posters all the time to save confusion. MN certainly does allow it.

Gabilan · 05/03/2016 18:24

On my phone I find quoting difficult because I'm increasingly becoming a fuddy duddy But bolding a name is easy.

IcingandSlicing · 05/03/2016 18:46

Well sorry as I said previously still navigating around the forum and it's either not straightforwatlrd or different from other forums as I haven't found that option yet.
I'm using from mobile.

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 18:48

There is no 'option' to quote. You either bold the name and comment on what they said, or copy what they said and comment on it. That's it really.

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