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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to be in love with a 16 year old

554 replies

swordandsparrow · 04/03/2016 12:47

Im 23 with one child whos nearly 2.
He is 16, nearly 17 but has a proper baby face and could easily pass for 13 if he wasnt so tall.
We met at college where I study as a mature student.
Am i wrong to pursue this relationship, i really like him and we get on great but my friend at college says its wrong and i am too old for him Sad

OP posts:
TealLove · 05/03/2016 11:55

He is 17 in a month. It's not that bad OP follow your heart and if it works out it works out but go slowly.
You are not a Paedophile please don't take those comments seriously people are just being nasty or are subconsciously jealous.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/03/2016 11:59

I don't agree that at nearly 17 it can't result in a long term relationship actually, because several of my friends are still with the boyfriends they had then , and I am 52. But as I said earlier think it would be sensible for the OP to wait a year and a bit, when he will be 18, as over that time they can get to know each other as friends.
I do think there has been a cultural shift. When I was 16/17/18 I was at an all girls school, we didn't meet boys our own age, we went to bars and clubs and pretended to be 18, and mainly we met men in their 20s as young lads our own age wouldn't get in. Most of my friends dated men a few years older. No-one seemed to think this was odd. At 17 I had a boyfriend of 23, my parents disliked him intensely, but this was more to do with his personality and background, than his age as far as I know. I'm sure my parents must have worried about sex but they never discussed it with me (I didn't sleep with him, I felt I was too young).

At 23 I did meet a young man who I found really attractive, I assumed he was a student, he was tall and looked rather studenty, I harboured a secret crush until I found out he was about to turn ....16!!! Oh the horror, I had been swooning over a 15 year old! Although, looking back, i was very young still at 23, and he was somehow rather grown up so I see why I liked him. It ended the crush though- he was still at school. . I did Google him out of curiosity last year- (he's a successful artist, and amusingly is now older than my husband). Its all in the timing, and the temperments of the couple, not the age gap. Wait until this lad you like is 18, its only just over a year, but then he will have had a bit of time to grow up.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 05/03/2016 12:07

Yeah jealous that's right Hmm

IPityThePontipines · 05/03/2016 12:08

Arfachnad - I understand the theory, but in practice it means people make very rosy assumptions, e.g. that there can be no issues of coercion between teenagers, nor that even an age gap of two to three years can be very significant in terms of power and maturity.

Also is emotional readiness really determined by the age of the person you are having sex with? I don't think 13 year olds should be having sex, full stop.

Yet there are people on here who would have no problem with it, provided their partner was about 15 and also, it would seem, that the 13 year old in question was a girl.

Also, mother posting this thread about her 16 year old daughter would have a very different response and that perturbs me.

Maryz · 05/03/2016 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArmchairTraveller · 05/03/2016 12:13

DD at 23 had the same thing when one of the young apprentices fancied her.
She smiled and turned him down, cute but still a child. OK as a friend, but not a lover.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/03/2016 12:17

OP I think it's your own decision to make.

I would consider his life stage - not necessarily because he's 16, but because he seems very young in his behaviour. He waits for you in corridors... that's a very high school behaviour. He texts you a lot asking you to go out with him - again, that's very high school. A more mature person would ask you out and accept your answer.

You are 23 and have a child. I'm 25. At 16, I thought I was old and mature and wise, but you're not. You learn things that you never knew that you didn't know. There's a type of wisdom and maturity that just has to come with age.

In the grand scheme of things, this is unlikely to last longer than college. You'll be judged quite heavily for the relationship at college, although some people will be supportive, and once he goes to uni (and you, if you're planning to go), it'll fall apart. Not because relationships don't survive, but because he's quite mentally young and the whole freshers parties and lots of girls and complete freedom for the first time will appeal. He needs to do that stage. Maybe you do, too.

I think you've put both of you in a bit of an odd position because you've talked about it and the boundaries are blurred now, so much harder to enforce. You might need to say no and mean it. I'd distance myself for a while, even if I didn't really want too, and review in a few weeks when the feelings have died down a bit, and it'll be easier to think about the consequences logically and decide if they are worth it.

Finally, the things that you list about him - being kind, funny, polite - they are things that you should expect as standard.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 05/03/2016 12:24

Loving the assertion that people here are jealous that the OP is having a lust dilemma with a baby faced 16 year old Grin

Biscuit
Katenka · 05/03/2016 12:32

Hahhaa jealous? Fuck that. I have a teenager.

I wouldn't have a 16 year old lover thrown at me. Grin

TealLove · 05/03/2016 12:32

No I don't think people are jealous of the age of the guy. But I do think the trigger of such personal attacks had to say more about the person saying them. Maybe people making attacks are jealous of the idea of her truly falling in love and having a chance of happiness with someone albeit younger.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 05/03/2016 12:35

Subconsciously jealous? Get real.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/03/2016 12:35

You don't really believe that do you tea?

Lj8893 · 05/03/2016 12:35

Don't be ridiculous teal are you suggesting that everyone is jealous because they have never fallen in love then? Hmm

People aren't being nasty, they are just pointing out how unlikely a relationship is to work, and that potentially it could be quite damaging to either party.

swordandsparrow · 05/03/2016 12:39

Even I don't think people are jealous of my situation Grin

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 05/03/2016 12:39

Sword Grin

Maryz · 05/03/2016 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka · 05/03/2016 12:40

I have been with dh since my early twenties, we are very much in love.

Confused

Glad to see the OP has more sense than to think people are jealous Grin

Lj8893 · 05/03/2016 12:41

Have you socialised with him outside of college op?

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 12:42

Yes we are all jealous. We just dont realise. It's all in our subconsciou you see. Shock Grin

TealLove · 05/03/2016 12:42

I wouldn't write it if I didn't consider it a possibility that some posters were jealous of the OP yes. Not because he's 16 though.
I also think some posters are just imagining their own 16 yo son in the scenario which has nothing to do with the OP.
She's been called a Paedophile. That's not fair or right it's projection.

Sparklingbrook · 05/03/2016 12:43

I am a seething ball of envy, me. Envy

TealLove · 05/03/2016 12:45

Just because you don't think so sparrow doesn't mean it's not possible. I'm fine with People not agreeing with me.
It was just a passing comment why have people responded so vehemently.

Maryz · 05/03/2016 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lj8893 · 05/03/2016 12:46

No, she's not a Paedophile. That was a nasty thing to say, but I don't think that means anyone is jealous.

We have all been in love I'm sure, and I'm sure the majority of us have been in "love" situations where it's complicated and potentially doomed to fail and it's all be a big headfuck. So we are aware of these emotions and feelings. And definitely not jealous!

Maryz · 05/03/2016 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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