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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3rd date AIBU - please help!

115 replies

MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:06

I need opinions because I'm pooing myself and considering cancelling Sad
For a bit of context, I do have quite bad anxiety, so dates in general are pretty stressful, let alone under these circumstances!

I've been on 2 dates with a really lovely guy, both of which he has organised. Date 1 was a coffee and a walk around the park, and date 2 was a couple of drinks in a bar (for which he very nicely booked a table, walked me there from the station and then drove me home afterwards). We are due to go on date 3 tomorrow, and I had previously suggested driving out of London (I would drive) and going for a walk, followed by a pub lunch or something.

However. I tried to discuss it with him the other day and he got all cagey about it, saying he had a plan in mind but that it was a surprise, and then sent a list of instructions like "wear sensible clothing; be ready at 10:30am sharp, etc etc". I was totally freaked out by this and basically forced him to tell me what we were doing, to which he caved and said...

... we're going to Go Ape. He has booked and paid for it.

Now, I know he was being really sweet and just wanted to surprise me with something fun, but I'm just a bit taken aback by being presented with something booked and paid for without having asked me first. My anxiety is through the roof.

The final kicker - I've just looked at the weather forecast and it is going to piss it down all day. We are supposed to be there from 10:30am until 3pm!

He has offered to try and cancel, but if I say yes please do, I'm worried I'll look like a horrible ungrateful cow. Really don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:11

I should also say, I have mentioned my anxiety to him, and he is very understanding

OP posts:
whitershadeofpale · 04/03/2016 12:14

Can you articulate exactly what's making you anxious?

If it's the fact he organised it without checking, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, go and have fun but make it clear that you don't want him to ever do it again.

Casmama · 04/03/2016 12:14

Is it that you don't want to do it or that it will be raining?

Original poster
MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:16

Casmama it's a bit of both really. It's just not something I would ever choose to do. I know I probably am being unreasonable

OP posts:
Cinnamon2013 · 04/03/2016 12:18

He sounds lovely. I feel for you on this, tricky, but I think it's ok to say you're not up for it. I went and found it terrifying. You're really high up. Fun too, yes, but more looking back, iyswim. Be honest with him. Good luck.

Cinnamon2013 · 04/03/2016 12:19

And feelings are feelings - they are what they are. No one can say they're unreasonable.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/03/2016 12:21

Sorry I think yabu. He planned a surprise trip out for you? Wow that's amazing!

There is nothing wrong with trying out new things.

Your anxiety? You know you have it, you know it's irrational and you can choose to have a degree of control over it!

Enjoy your date! Smile

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 04/03/2016 12:22

Do you think you could do it though? I mean do you fear heights or are you massively uncoordinated like me? I get the anxiety thing, I really do. The date chap sounds lovely and sweet but Go Ape is kind of a Marmite thing anyway isn't it? I mean some people would think it was a right laugh, others would consider it the seventh circle of hell.

If it's not your thing then I think it would be reasonable to ask him to cancel - he should have checked you were okay with it. If it was me I would be inclined to have a stiff drink and give it a go

acasualobserver · 04/03/2016 12:25

Unless your anxiety also includes a fear of heights, I think you should go. But, yes, as a pp has said, tell him you're not great with this sort of surprise.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:26

QuiteLikely I don't think you can choose to have a degree of control over anxiety actually, but that's another thread.

I said to him I'd go yesterday, but we both checked the weather today and he said he could cancel if I'm worried.

I honestly don't know what it is that's making me not want to go... I mean as I said, it's not something I would ever choose to do, but I'm not scared of heights. Maybe I do need to try and suck it up, but I can just feel a panic attack coming on even thinking about it

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 04/03/2016 12:28

If someone booked this for me, I would be absolutely terrified. I physically would not be able to do it, and so he would have wasted his money on me. I think it would also leave me feeling anxious about any future plans he may make. I really don't think it's the sort of thing people should book as a surprise for someone else, unless you know them well and know they will enjoy it.

He does sound like someone who wants to take the initiative and make all the decisions in a potential relationship - personally I would prefer someone that, particularly in the early days of a relationship, allowed any decisions about dates to be made jointly. Of course he may just be a bit over enthusiastic about the whole dating thing!

TBH OP I think unless you know you are going to enjoy it, you need to ask him to cancel, and be honest about how this has made you feel. I think his reaction when you do so will reveal if he is someone you want to continue seeing or not. (And fingers crossed for you he does react in an appropriate way)

saura · 04/03/2016 12:29

I think turn up and try it but warning him how you are feeling. That way if you have to stop you have warned him? Obviously spell out how you really appreciate what a lovely gesture it was.

My DH would hate go ape but more down to heights then anxiety!

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 12:33

IMO you are not being unreasonable OP; he shouldn't have booked something like that without running it past you first. It is NOT the sort of activity that everyone is happy with (like sitting in a bar/having a drive in the country/pub lunch).
A friend of mine went to Go Ape and she was absolutely cacking herself at how high up she was - absolutely hated it.
I'm sure he is a lovely guy, but this is a bit thoughtless of him. Don't be embarrassed about saying - nicely - that it's not your sort of thing .

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 12:33

YABU. He sounds really nice! There's nothing wrong with him planning a surprise and it's a shame you forced him to tell you.

However, now that you know and still feel anxious maybe just cancel and pay him to cover it? It doesn't really matter if its raining if you do wear the right clothes. I'd prob just go, you dont HAVE to do anything you could still watch him do it and take pictures or something.

babyboyHarrison · 04/03/2016 12:35

Go ape is brilliant fun. You may be missing out on something you'd really enjoy. If you are apprehensive about heights they start you at a very low level and get you to try hanging from the harness. This gives you reassurance and confidence in the equipment. Also if you like the guy (assume you do) have a lovely excuse for a cuddle if you feel a bit scared.

The course is usually in sections so you could try one section and if you don't like it stop. How the guy behaves if you do want to stop early will speak volumes about his character too.

SaucyJack · 04/03/2016 12:36

LTB. Or maybe give him one last chance if he's cute.

He might operate in a manner that somebody else would find lovely, but you don't. You find it overbearing and stressful.

And seeing as it's you who has to shag him, it's your opinion that counts.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:36

trulybadlydeeply You've hit the nail on the head there, and far more eloquently than I could have expressed it!

He did get a bit annoyed that I'd ruined the surprise, and I think he assumed I would be super happy that he'd taken it out of my hands and booked this grand gesture

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 12:36

The op doesn't have a fear of heights though.

So was the AIBU about the way he planned it or the plan itself?

I don't think he was being unreasonable either way. It's nice to have some surprises. Playing it safe all the time can be boring and most of the posters on here are saying they'd hate it purely for fear of heights ...which the OP doesn't have..

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 12:41

Totally yanbu, its only a third date and he's annoyed you don't want to do what he wants? Daft of him to book and pay for an activity for someone he barely knows, loads of people would hate such a thing.
Unless you really really like him I'd be backing right off from this dude. And either way, anxiety or no, you NEVER have to do what a date wants you to do, if you don't want to. It's as simple as that.

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 12:42

Whisky - you are showing a massive lack of awareness for other people's feelings! (Are you the OP's boyfriend?! Hmm
I don't suffer from anxiety but the idea of someone booking a fucking awful thing like this, (outside in the pouring rain and cold dangling from a rope), when I was expecting a lovely country pub with roaring fire - and then expecting me to be happy and grateful, would totally piss me off!

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 12:42

I was gona post thattruly's post was over the top! He does sound like someone who wants to take the initiative and make all the decisions in a potential relationship - personally I would prefer someone that, particularly in the early days of a relationship, allowed any decisions about dates to be made jointly. Of course he may just be a bit over enthusiastic about the whole dating thing!

..it's date 3. "make all the decisions" FFS get a grip! He could just be old fashioned or excited. How many posters on the relationship boards post that they've gone on a date and don't hear from the guy within 3 days blah blah and how they can't ask him for a date because "it's not the done thing".

The guys can't win!

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 12:46

Whisky of course guys can "win", but in order to do so they have to behave in a considerate and thoughtful way towards people.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 12:46

Totally yanbu, its only a third date and he's annoyed you don't want to do what he wants? Er no. he was annoyed she spoiled his surprise!

Naice - no I am not the OP's date but a "normal" human being who see's organising a surprise date as a "normal" thing to do. But the OP says she isn't afraid of heights and maybe she should just go.
Or maybe the OP needs some counselling so that it doesn't affect any potential relationships in the future.

Or should she just stay in watching Eastenders and a glass of wine and a curry on her own every Friday night for the rest of her life, Just in case it rains outside?

Original poster
MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:46

Whisky I'm not saying he's horrible or a bad person! I just think that he should have checked with me before booking such an extreme activity, seeing as he really doesn't know me that well. And we had previously discussed that I would choose date 3 because he picked dates 1 and 2.

Personally, I don't really want someone old fashioned. I want someone who respects my right to choose. But maybe that's just me

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:47

wow Whisky just read your latest post. No need to be nasty. Please leave if that's your attitude.

OP posts: