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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3rd date AIBU - please help!

115 replies

MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:06

I need opinions because I'm pooing myself and considering cancelling
For a bit of context, I do have quite bad anxiety, so dates in general are pretty stressful, let alone under these circumstances!

I've been on 2 dates with a really lovely guy, both of which he has organised. Date 1 was a coffee and a walk around the park, and date 2 was a couple of drinks in a bar (for which he very nicely booked a table, walked me there from the station and then drove me home afterwards). We are due to go on date 3 tomorrow, and I had previously suggested driving out of London (I would drive) and going for a walk, followed by a pub lunch or something.

However. I tried to discuss it with him the other day and he got all cagey about it, saying he had a plan in mind but that it was a surprise, and then sent a list of instructions like "wear sensible clothing; be ready at 10:30am sharp, etc etc". I was totally freaked out by this and basically forced him to tell me what we were doing, to which he caved and said...

... we're going to Go Ape. He has booked and paid for it.

Now, I know he was being really sweet and just wanted to surprise me with something fun, but I'm just a bit taken aback by being presented with something booked and paid for without having asked me first. My anxiety is through the roof.

The final kicker - I've just looked at the weather forecast and it is going to piss it down all day. We are supposed to be there from 10:30am until 3pm!

He has offered to try and cancel, but if I say yes please do, I'm worried I'll look like a horrible ungrateful cow. Really don't know what to do

OP posts:

Karls88 · 04/03/2016 13:17

MrsGideon I went to Go Ape a few years back. Like you, it's probably not something I'd ever have thought to do myself but a friend wanted to go for their birthday so I went ahead. I enjoyed it so much I went another 2 times within the next couple of months. Granted, it is better when the weather's nice, but I distinctly remember having shoddy weather on one visit and still really enjoyed it. If I were you, I would definitely try and give it a go. You'll probably surprise yourself!

Good luck with whatever happens with you and this fella and let us know how you get on tomorrow...

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:18

Naice apparently I pointed out what the OP already knew. Maybe she hadn't thought of it before. Honestly don't see the problem saying she should look into getting help :s

IcingandSlicing · 04/03/2016 13:19

Dear OP,
Can you sut down with a cup of tea and try to figure out what makes you anxious.
Is it the activity? Are you comfortable/not comfortable with it?
Is it the weather? Raining is not the most pleasant weather to be out and about but let's face it, we live in Britain, so better get used to it.
Is it the person you're going on a date? Do you like the person but are anxious that he will give up if he know about you not liking this activity (if that!/ the case)?
Or anxious to refuse to go because of the type of activity and weather, because you don't want him to feel disappointed in you?
Or are you going to be disappointed in yourself if eventually things don't go well and that makes you anxious?
Is it the fact that he took a decision to organise an event in which you have to take part without consulting you first, the kind of not controlling the situation type of anxiety?
Or something else?
It can be several of these answers.
I would always suggest when starting a relationship to be as sincere as you can about what you enjoy and what you don't and also about to what extent you can go out of your comfort zone and maybe change your mind on new things.
Anyway, accepting to go on activity you feel you won't enjoy is probably not going to end very well.
Surprises early in a relationship can be a hit and miss (they can be a hit and miss later on as well).
On the positive side, somebody organised a surprise activity for you. So unless it's something that you totally dislike (that would be roller coaster rides for me, thank you but no thank you.)
Try to enjoy it and think about the other person, they tried to create a bonding activity for both of you and also show you part of what they like so you know them better.
Or if not, try to find an acceptable second best option that will be acceptable for both of you.
Hope it goes well!

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 13:20

It's not a normal reaction actually! A normal reaction would be "oh a surprise, how nice"

That would be ONE normal reaction. Another normal reaction would be "I have no interest in doing that and would prefer if you asked me before booking things".

Are you always so incapable of seeing things from anyones perspective but your own?

Birdsgottafly · 04/03/2016 13:21

Its way too early for surprise dates.

You surprise someone that you know, with something that you know they'll enjoy.

They're still in the, getting to know, each other stage, or rather should be.

OP, dating should be fun, if it isn't working then say so, as you have done.

He shouldn't be dictating what you are doing, it still should be at the mutual planning stage.

I'd go as far as to say that without knowing someone, planning something is a bit meaningless. I'd wonder if it's something he'd plan for anyone who he's going on a date with, rather than something he wants to share with you, after getting to know you.

IlikePercyPig · 04/03/2016 13:21

I hate heights so for that reason alone YANBU!

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 13:21

I think you just really like Eastenders and have a bee in your bonnet

I wouldn't watch that shit if you paid me.

Bellasima20 · 04/03/2016 13:22

I think its very sweet and a lot of the time guys are damned if they do or dont re,. making too much/no effort re. dates.
He's clearly trying to impress you. Don't say anything. Saying that I understand you completely, I've done Go Ape, hated it and would hate it if a guy booked it for me. But I'd smile and suck it up, while counting down every minute and thinking of a cosy pub/bottle of wine (hopefully) awaiting me later

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/03/2016 13:24

I agree, I'd hate to go to Go Ape, especially for a date as well and think its abit early to make assumptions and book something that people either love or hate (I'm totally not an outdoorsy person) It's very early days OP, if you're not comfortable please don't feel obliged to do anything/go anywhere because he's payed for it/didn't give you the chance to say no.

There was a thread recently about the OP returning her date's jumper. After the second date she realised she didn't want a third date, then he got all arsey because he'd paid for dinner and a Segway session - despite him insisting/not listening to her and felt she'd used him/she owed him. Might be worth a read OP as a lot of posters gave her good advice.

TheStoic · 04/03/2016 13:24

The issue is the OP's anxiety taking over her life.

Oh, rubbish. Many, many people would LOATHE this sort of 'date' being thrust upon them. The OP's reaction is perfectly normal and understandable.

Why do blokes do this? I hear so often of men arranging 'action dates' early on in the piece. Is it some kind of test?

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 13:24

What an appalling people pleaser attitude. But you can do that if you like. No reason OP should do that though.

SuperFlyHigh · 04/03/2016 13:24

A straw poll of my female friends recently when driving past a Go Ape were 2 had been and liked it, 1 didn't mind trying it etc. I think we stopped on another time going past it and went to have a look but it wouldn't be my first choice and certainly not without prior discussion.

Whiskey you are very rude and if you made comments like that on the dating thread you'd be laughed off it.

IcingandSlicing · 04/03/2016 13:25

Some people are just too excited to share what they love with someone else. It can be seen as controlling or lacking good manners not to consider the other part's opinion but it could be actually harmless.
Try to understand the motives and if the person doesn't seem to take your wishes into consideration constantly, then maybe it wouldn't work out very well in the long term.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/03/2016 13:26

Hmm, my best boyfriends and dh did romantic things like really listening to me on the first few meets and then arranging something that they'd worked out was my cup of tea.

So unless you said, 'I love swinging on trees or I want to try more adventurous outdoorsy stuff' then yanbu. I'd be uneasy at this. He over rode your plans with something HE decided you'd enjoy.

It's not for me and it's ok to say that.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:28

I wouldn't watch that shit if you paid me. Well at least we have one thing in common ;)

So you haven't answered why I shouldn't have pointed out that getting help would benefit her? Seeing as the OP herself realises that I wonder why you are so up in arms about it? I see it here all the time people saying to go to counselling. The OP even said she finds it hard to go to the supermarket some days. So we now know the Op has tried it etc but say we didn't, would you still say nothing about how it could be impacting on her life? I find this pretty strange actually. I said sorry to the Op and that I didn't mean it in a nasty way.

BornToFolk · 04/03/2016 13:29

I agree that he's over-stepping for a third date, especially as he's organised the first two! If you'd have been talking about how you both wanted to go there and he arranged it, then that would be nice but to just spring it on you, especially after you had suggested something that you want to do seems a bit controlling to me.

If it's really making you anxious then don't go. Dating is supposed to be fun and all about getting to know each other. If he's a decent guy, he'll understand that and if not, then you've dodged the bullet early.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:29

super - Laughed off it? Sounds bullying talk to me. I have a really strong, happy relationship though so no, no one should take advice from me :)

BornToFolk · 04/03/2016 13:30

Oh and Whiskey...read the OP's posts. I'm sure she knows far better than any of us exactly what help she might need, and might be available to her, with regards to her anxiety.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:32

born Some people don't realise though.

Original poster

MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 13:35

Thank you all for your posts, they have definitely helped. I think I will ask him to cancel, but with the caveat that maybe we can try it at some point later down the line when I feel a bit more comfortable around him. And make it clear that he shouldn't just book extreme activities without asking!

Please please can we dial down the arguing though! Whisky - thank you for apologising. That's all that now needs to be said on the matter.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:36

Good plan! All the best.

BornToFolk · 04/03/2016 13:37

Don't realise what? That she has anxiety? She said it in her OP.

It just seems a bit rude to say "get help" like it's never even occurred to her before, when it's something she lives with on a daily basis.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/03/2016 13:38

That seems like a good way forward, op.

BornToFolk · 04/03/2016 13:40

That does sound like a good plan!

And Whiskey, sorry for getting chippy. Your posts touched a bit of a nerve but I can see that you apologised to the OP and she accepted, so my post was a little unnecessary. I apologise.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:41

Er no, not that she had anxiety. She never said in her OP that she had looked into help so that's why I suggested it?
I also never said it hadn't occurred to her. I said "maybe get help" and she said "i have".

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