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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3rd date AIBU - please help!

115 replies

MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:06

I need opinions because I'm pooing myself and considering cancelling
For a bit of context, I do have quite bad anxiety, so dates in general are pretty stressful, let alone under these circumstances!

I've been on 2 dates with a really lovely guy, both of which he has organised. Date 1 was a coffee and a walk around the park, and date 2 was a couple of drinks in a bar (for which he very nicely booked a table, walked me there from the station and then drove me home afterwards). We are due to go on date 3 tomorrow, and I had previously suggested driving out of London (I would drive) and going for a walk, followed by a pub lunch or something.

However. I tried to discuss it with him the other day and he got all cagey about it, saying he had a plan in mind but that it was a surprise, and then sent a list of instructions like "wear sensible clothing; be ready at 10:30am sharp, etc etc". I was totally freaked out by this and basically forced him to tell me what we were doing, to which he caved and said...

... we're going to Go Ape. He has booked and paid for it.

Now, I know he was being really sweet and just wanted to surprise me with something fun, but I'm just a bit taken aback by being presented with something booked and paid for without having asked me first. My anxiety is through the roof.

The final kicker - I've just looked at the weather forecast and it is going to piss it down all day. We are supposed to be there from 10:30am until 3pm!

He has offered to try and cancel, but if I say yes please do, I'm worried I'll look like a horrible ungrateful cow. Really don't know what to do

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 12:48

Naice - but he thought he was doing something considerate and thoughtful. He has offered to try and cancel too so I don't see what the big deal is. The issue is the OP's anxiety taking over her life. If she wasn't anxious would she go on the date - probably.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/03/2016 12:51

I'd find it a bit controlling. He's decided all the dates up until now and was put out when you suggested something else.

Anxiety can often be related to feeling uncomfortable in situations where you feel reduced control - where you don't feel able to withdraw from a situation on your own terms.

You don't want to do this activity - so don't. If he likes you more than he likes having control then he'll be equally happy to do something else with you.

Don't feel bad about saying no to something you don't want to do. It's as simple as that.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/03/2016 12:53

MrsGideon I don't think your reluctance to go along with an activity you don't want to do is in any way evidence of anxiety taking over!

In fact anyone who didn't identify as having anxiety would just think, no, not my thing - and not castigate themselves for their preference.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 12:54

Ok, sorry I just feel that everyone jumping on this guy for trying to do something nice is based on the fact that just because the may not like Go Ape then it must be a truly horrible surprise. I, for one, would quiet enjoy it!

Just read your And we had previously discussed that I would choose date 3 because he picked dates 1 and 2 - Well, ok fair enough that was bad form and you should tell him you thought that was the decision and see his reaction? Also, I said about covering the cost of it, fuck that it was his decision to organise date 3 when you were supposed to.

But I do think you need to get some help your anxiety.

HellonHeels · 04/03/2016 12:56

Hang on - OP made a suggestion for the third date, offered to drive etc. and he just ignored all that and booked something else, that he decided on, without consulting OP?

OK, some people might like a surprise but it's rude to just ignore OP's suggestion for the date and make all the decisions.

I'd be feeling cautious about him.

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 12:58

I have no anxiety and no way would I go on that date. Pissing about up trees in the rain with some guy you barely know, who gets upset about spoiling surprises and wants to choose all the dates? Not on your fucking life!

And whisky, you are so out of order its unreal.

Maudd · 04/03/2016 13:00

GoApe is a ridiculous thing to book for someone you've only met twice before! There are so many people who would hate it. Agree with PP who said the most useful thing to come from it will be his reaction when you say no. If he's normal he'll realise he's tried hard but has pitched it wrongly and you can both laugh it off. If he gets annoyed then he's too controlling imo.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:01

But maybe he'd already booked it before her suggestion?

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:01

And whisky, you are so out of order its unreal.

In what way?

Byrdie · 04/03/2016 13:01

Do you like him? I mean really like him? If I really liked someone I'd just be keen to see them again. I have been to the theatre - not my thing at all, opera - even less my thing and even swimming... Good god that was awful, all during early dating phases. The longer we carried in seeing each other, the less we went to theatre, opera and swimming and it became more about things we both enjoyed like eating out and cinema. He did his swimming with a swim club. Take a deep breath, wear some decent waterproofs and research the nearest cafes / country pubs that you can suggest escaping to if it gets really horrid. Icy, stormy or high winds and they cancel it anyhow so you never know!

HotNatured · 04/03/2016 13:01

True that you can't control the anxiety feelings, but you can control how you act and behave when you feel them.

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 13:05

In every way. For a start telling OP she must need counselling because she has a perfectly normal reaction to a situation.
I suggest you need counselling to a) be more empathetic and b)look at why you would need to be such an apologist for kinda weird behaviour from men you don't know.

whaleshark · 04/03/2016 13:07

YANBU. I'd be inclined to give the date a go, but bear in mind that this could be a clear sign the two of you are just not compatible. You are after all just three dates in and it is perfectly fine to decide he is not for you, for whatever reason.

Justaboy · 04/03/2016 13:07

Now i bet there's half the dating population that would love the fun and surprise of that and then they'd be the other daters who wouldn't.

I'd go, with it good blokes are very hard to find and thus far he seems a good 'un!.

If it doesn't work too well least he thought it up and it was his idea.

But go on have some fun and a bit of excitement anyway:-)

You might just like it and stop worrying unnecessarily

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 13:08

I am assuming that you are a man Whisky?!

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:10

Ziggy Nah she says in her OP she has bad anxiety. So taking all dating scenarios out of the equation should she not look at addressing this? If not, why not?

It's not a normal reaction actually! A normal reaction would be "oh a surprise, how nice".

And i'm not an apologist - I am putting the shoe on the other foot.
She asked if she was being unreasonable - I say she is.

I think you just really like Eastenders and have a bee in your bonnet

Original poster

MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 13:10

HotNatured I know a lot of people think that, but sometimes it can be difficult to even leave the house to go to the supermarket!

I know I need to 'get help' for my anxiety - I have tried in the past but I just got referred for CBT which doesn't work for me at all. I can't afford private counselling and any other talking therapy in London has a huge waiting list.

I also really don't want to go down the medication route.

I do try and force myself to do things that scare me (like packing up my job in Oxford and moving to London during a particularly bad period of it!), but I guess the bottom line is I actually just don't want to go to GoApe! And no amount of forcing myself to pretend is going to make me less anxious about it

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:11

What a silly thing to assume. I am a woman thanks.

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2016 13:11

He should not have booked something like that, something that many people wouldn't enjoy, without discussing it with you. Nor should he have got arsey when you asked for info. Not everyone likes surprises and he barely knows you! Also a potential issue that he has sought to control the dates so far.

Justaboy · 04/03/2016 13:13

MrsGideon OK now think what's the worst thing that could happen other than you might have some fun;?.

Binders1 · 04/03/2016 13:13

Op, I don't think you can book something like 'Go Ape' unless you know the person would like it. That's the idea of a surprise, you're supposed to like it. I know it's not something I would be keen to do or know if I could even do it.

However, if you like him and enjoy his company, I would dress appropriately and go and play it by ear and let him know you are a little worried. If you don't want to do it when you get there then you don't have to. So long as you are smiling, you can watch and laugh at him doing it and there will be some easier areas. Alternatively you may try it and really enjoy it. He would probably like playing 'your protector' as well.

After you can go for a lovely pub lunch somewhere?

Orda1 · 04/03/2016 13:16

I'd hate this too. It's a pretty marmite activity and IMO quite a stupid one to pick for someone you hardly know.

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 13:16

"Whisky" - and what an extraordinarily rude and unpleasant woman you are.
Talk about needing counselling - maybe you should look into it to deal with your total lack of empathy and understanding of other people's feelings??

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:17

You don't want to go..so don't go! That is ok! Maybe just suggest your idea again and if he poo poo's it then tell him where to go :)

My posts to say you need help weren't mean to be nasty - I meant it to help you but obviously going by your last post you do know this as well and it's great you've taken steps to combat it. A shame CBT didn't work for you but seems like you are keen to help yourself as much as you can.
I am actually in a similar position as you OP, I need CBT but got referred to a psychologist who doesn't do CBT! I also can't afford private counselling so for now my problem has to wait (I pull out my hair).

Wish you the best and if you do go on another date with the guy I hope it all goes well.

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 13:17

Orda Exactly.

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