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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3rd date AIBU - please help!

115 replies

MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 12:06

I need opinions because I'm pooing myself and considering cancelling
For a bit of context, I do have quite bad anxiety, so dates in general are pretty stressful, let alone under these circumstances!

I've been on 2 dates with a really lovely guy, both of which he has organised. Date 1 was a coffee and a walk around the park, and date 2 was a couple of drinks in a bar (for which he very nicely booked a table, walked me there from the station and then drove me home afterwards). We are due to go on date 3 tomorrow, and I had previously suggested driving out of London (I would drive) and going for a walk, followed by a pub lunch or something.

However. I tried to discuss it with him the other day and he got all cagey about it, saying he had a plan in mind but that it was a surprise, and then sent a list of instructions like "wear sensible clothing; be ready at 10:30am sharp, etc etc". I was totally freaked out by this and basically forced him to tell me what we were doing, to which he caved and said...

... we're going to Go Ape. He has booked and paid for it.

Now, I know he was being really sweet and just wanted to surprise me with something fun, but I'm just a bit taken aback by being presented with something booked and paid for without having asked me first. My anxiety is through the roof.

The final kicker - I've just looked at the weather forecast and it is going to piss it down all day. We are supposed to be there from 10:30am until 3pm!

He has offered to try and cancel, but if I say yes please do, I'm worried I'll look like a horrible ungrateful cow. Really don't know what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGideon · 04/03/2016 13:42

Just about to text him - How does this sound:

"Right, I'm going to put on my big girl pants now and say that under the rainy circumstances, I'm not sure I will feel totally comfortable with going. So if you are able to cancel that would be good. If they refuse to reimburse you, I'll pay you back for your trouble! Again, thank you for thinking of me and booking it, bit perhaps we can try it at some point later down the line if I feel less anxious about it"

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:42

Argh cross post!

Ok thanks Born. No hard feelings.

crispytruffle · 04/03/2016 13:44

I can't believe people think arranging a surprise is controlling?! So many odd comments on here. I feel sorry for the poor man. Anyway, I would go. But then I do not suffer from anxiety. I've been on lots of things where it has rained and it has actually been quite funny. I hope it all works out for you.

BedTimeNow · 04/03/2016 13:45

I think you should call it a day it's only the 3rd date and so much angst already!

OP you find someone who doesn't do surprises and he finds someone that enjoys surprises.

Win win.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/03/2016 13:47

Good text OP, and good for you for speaking your truth.

I would leave out the 'big girl pants' and 'rainy circumstances' part though. Just say you've thought about it and aren't comfortable and then the rest, maybe.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/03/2016 13:48

Although I wouldn't offer to reimburse him because you had no hand in arranging it!

SaucyJack · 04/03/2016 13:48

No, not that text!

It sounds too apologetic, and despite all that a certain other poster said at the beginning of the thread, I don't think this is about your anxiety at all.

A quick "Sorry, but it isn't my cup of tea and I really don't fancy it. Let's do X, Y or Z instead." is better.

Don't set a precedent of sorting out his mistakes, or taking the blame when you've done nothing wrong.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2016 13:49

Op no I wouldn't say the big girl pants thing!

Just say "Hi, I am sorry but I am not keen on Go Ape! Can you take a friend and we could go to the pub/walk/drink on Sunday?" or something so that he wont lose his money. I'd presume he'd say he will just cancel it and meet you somewhere else for a different kind of date and that way you don't have to re-imburse him (it was his risk I guess). Then when you see him just laugh it off and maybe say you might be open to try it when you feel more at ease or comfortable later on down the line?

Birdsgottafly · 04/03/2016 13:49

OP, I, personally, would change "thinking about me", to "it was a nice idea" and I'd leave out the "less anxious", bit.

Unless he knows that you have anxiety and is understanding. I just wouldn't reveal that much after two dates.

TheStoic · 04/03/2016 13:50

I wouldn't mention your anxiety, OP.

It was a risky date to arrange for someone he barely knows. I'm sure he meant well, but HE stuffed up here - not you.

Plenty of people without anxiety would hate that activity. It's not you...it's him.

MrsJorahMormont · 04/03/2016 13:54

I wouldn't have been keen on something like this although I might have given it a go. I'm not sure I would offer to pay though - he really should have checked something like this with you. Is he quite sporty / outdoorsy and you less so? In which case he might have been trying to test your compatibility to some degree?

I think sometimes men feel under a lot of pressure to 'stand out' from the crowd when they're dating. He probably thought he was being a bit original or different but you're simply pointing out that not everyone likes surprises, especially not of this sort! I agree his reaction will be the most interesting bit.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/03/2016 13:54

Yes actually Saucy Jack's suggestion sounds way better. You don't have to be apologetic.

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2016 13:58

The text is too apologetic, cut the "big girl pants" reference, and you shouldn't offer to reimburse him: he booked something without checking, his problem.

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2016 14:00

YY, this is absolutely NOT about your anxiety, just dating etiquette and your likes and dislikes of activities

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 14:11

Please don't send that text! It is far too apologetic, and accomodating.

Please ignore the people who are telling you that because they would be fine with it, you should be too. They are, much like your date, pushing their persepctive onto you. This is not about anxiety; you don't want to do this activity. Neither would many people. It's completely fine to not want to. Don't offer to pay him for something he booked without asking you. Don't tell him you will go in the future.

Mousefinkle · 04/03/2016 14:21

Yanbu, at all. That is not the sort of thing everyone would enjoy at all, definitely not a generic thing most people love doing is it?! I'd hate something like that... And for a third date! Might be different if you were in the throes of a relationship or something. He should've run it past you first to see if it would be something you'd enjoy. He doesn't know you well enough yet to just presume that would be up your street.

Labradorlover01 · 04/03/2016 16:26

Your text is just fine :) he sounds like a lovely Guy just a little over enthusiastic to impress you and there is no harm in that, it is a little soon for that kind of a date but I'd say well meant none the less...I also think its right of you to say you will refund him, it shows you are a kind person who thinks of others...I expect he will say not to worry about the refund but the thought will be appreciated...hope it all goes well

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 19:53

Hope this all works out well for you OP - give us an update when you get his reply!
(Not nosy at all....!)

Aeroflotgirl · 04/03/2016 20:23

Yes I find some of the comments in here very odd and over reacting, controlling really . Yes he was a little thoughtless in organising something like that, unless he knows you like extreme activities. Mabey ge thought it would break the ice. He has offered to cancel, just tell him you would rather as you don't like extreme activities, and go from there. Yes his reaction will be revealing.

TresDesolee · 04/03/2016 20:40

I went out with a guy once who was all sweetness and light, but just couldn't bear me making arrangements for dates. It had to be his way every time, and on the odd occasions I made arrangements, something would always 'come up' that made my arrangements impossible.

Not the worst trait in the world, but personally I found it bloody annoying. He had a massive ego as well, which I think wasn't unrelated.

Overturning your explicit arrangement, when you'd already discussed that you'd choose this date as he'd chosen the first two, is either just rude and inconsiderate (at best) or a bit worrying (at worst). Him getting peeved at you finding out his 'surprise' when he knows you have anxiety isn't great either.

Will be interesting to see how he responds to the text!

waterrat · 04/03/2016 21:23

Op
Your text sounded so apologetic. I honestly think you had nothing to apologise for. I wpuld be appalled if someone booked go ape for me early in dating ....seriously it would be fine to say...actually thanks but I'm not up for that. . I don't think you are saying no because you are anxious uou are saying no because you don't want to go. It's got nothing to do with anxiety. In fact I think if you were less anxious you wpuld have immediately said you don't want to go.

Arrowminta · 04/03/2016 21:31

Go ape is extreme for a 3rd date, you've nothing to apologise for. Has he been watching take me out or something where they do an activity to bond :)

pinkyredrose · 05/03/2016 10:02

OP did you hear back from him?

Original poster

MrsGideon · 07/03/2016 12:02

Hi all - thanks so much for your replies and apologies for not updating sooner!

So, I do have an update.

In the end, I decided to go for it, even though I felt tearful and anxious up until he arrived at my door! But when he got here, he was just so lovely and understanding - said we could just go there and have a look around and if I didn't feel comfortable, we could go for a walk and a nice hot meal somewhere. But when I got there it looked fun, and most of the anxiety had subsided as he had tried so hard to put me at my ease, so I thought I would give it a go. And it really was great (though very cold!)

I did make it very clear to him that I was uncomfortable with the fact that he booked it without asking me, and he has agreed that it was a bit misguided and that he won't do it again. Basically, he doesn't drink and feels quite self-conscious about it as that's what most people do on dates, so was trying to 'over-egg the pudding' by organising something wacky and fun and memorable.

Anyway, to cut a very long story short, we had a lovely time at Go Ape (never thought I'd say those words!), then went to his and made a roast dinner and ended up spending the whole weekend together. And we're seeing each other again on Thursday evening (WHERE I WILL CHOOSE WHAT WE DO!)

So, all's well that ends well :)

OP posts:

bunnysmummy · 07/03/2016 12:12

I love this update

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