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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teen deceit - phones and social media

142 replies

Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:31

First time poster here and really don't know what to do next. It's more of a WWYD.

I have a DD of 16 who is consistently deceitful. Mostly around the use of devices and social media and she is, unfortunately, an accomplished liar.

Had a great relationship with her up until a few months ago. Started going downhill shortly before she was 16 (end of Y10/ beginning of Y11). I love her of course but don't like the way she behaves some of the time.

DD is outgoing and independent and has many hobbies we support financially and via ferrying her here, there and everywhere. She also has a boyfriend we facilitate her seeing (he lives a 40 min drive away). We support her in all she wants to do and she knows she is loved.

She has an ipad and the latest iphone. She knows we have her passcode and that we periodically check. We have restrictions on these devices following previous incidents.

Recently I discovered she had downloaded Tinder on her phone and had posted pictures of herself, one in a bikini. I was livid, deleted the account and restricted her phone such that she couldn't download any further apps. I also deleted Snapchat following issues with that too. We have had several discussions and arguments about the dangers of the internet, appropriate use of social media and the like. I don't trust her.

Anyway today Ihave discovered (via checking her messages - she knows that I periodically check her phone now) that her friend's boyfriend is going to give her his old phone so she has a secret one which she can use via wifi without us knowing. God knows what her intentions are. I am upset at this deceit and just don't know what to do and where to go with it.

OP posts:
FigMango1 · 04/03/2016 09:33

Sounds like she needs all technology to be removed from her. She can't be trusted as she is proving to you over and over again. Why is she on tinder if she has a bf anyway.

Original poster
Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:40

I did challenge het about having Tinder and a bf and asked her how she would feel if it was the other way round. Apparently she joined because one of her friends had. I don't think she would have met up with anyone, I think it was more a vanity thing about being (superficially) liked my the opposite sex

OP posts:
dolkapots · 04/03/2016 09:43

I was going to come on and say YABU thinking you didn't want her to have FB etc, but the semi- naked pictures are very worrying. Is this a thing with teens?

CalleighDoodle · 04/03/2016 09:44

She sounds like she is cravingnegative attention from men in a big way. Maybe a self-esteem issue? Can you arrange for her to see the school counsellor?

Original poster
Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:44

Oh and we have also removed devices for periods of time (eg 1 or 2 weeks) as consequences for actions. She hates this of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:45

She dies have facebook, instagram, whatsapp and messenger still. We just deleted the apps we were unhappy with

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:47

I don't know about the self esteem thing. She seems pretty confident but maybe underneath something different is going on?

OP posts:
MeDented · 04/03/2016 09:48

I'm sorry but she is 16! You can only really give her advice at that age, you can't dictate how she lives her life. You sound very controlling.

Chasingsquirrels · 04/03/2016 09:49

On my router I have options to allow or deny access to specific devices, so I can alow everything, deny specific devices, only allow specific devices etc. I can also put time restrictions on specific devices.

It doesn't help with mobile Internet usage, and tbh doesn't really address your specific problems. But it is a way to restrict Internet usage.

Katenka · 04/03/2016 09:50

medented controlling? Not wanting her dd to post photos on tinder in a bikini.

Op I have no advice but understand your worry.

I am concerned her BF is helping her do this. Surely he isn't happy with posting photos on tinder?

My dd has a phone, but is much younger and we are very on top of what happening on her phone.

We also talk to her regularly about the Internet and the dangers. As do the school.

Does she realise someone could screen shot tinder and that photo could end up doing the rounds to all sorts of people?

Collaborate · 04/03/2016 09:52

Change your wifi password and don't tell her what it is. At least she won't be able to use the new device at home.

Original poster
Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:52

Maybe we are controlling to some extent. But what parent would want their 16 yr old daughtet in a bikini on Tinder (with location active)?

OP posts:
notquitehuman · 04/03/2016 09:54

Remind her that as she's under 18, sexual images of her count as child pornography.

I'm not sure what the laws are in this country, but there have been a few cases in the USA where teens have been arrested for sending nudes of themselves.

How old is the boyfriend?

CaptainCrunch · 04/03/2016 09:55

You're far too involved in her private life. At 16 she could be living independently, married even. You don't trust her because she lies and hides things from you but she does these things because you don't trust her.

I have an 18 and 14 year old and wouldn't interfere with their lives a tenth of the extent you are doing.

I'm there for advice and support, not control and dominance.

LagunaBubbles · 04/03/2016 09:55

Of course no parent wants to have their son or daughter post half naked pictures but she is 16, you do sound worried which is normal but its not normal to try and control to this level. At 16 you can get married here in Scotland without your parents consent. I understand your worry but I dont think its normal to check messages etc.

Original poster
Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:56

Her bf isn't as internet / app savvy as she is. He also doesn't have the latest phone that would support these apps. It's her friend's bf that is giving her his old phone to use as a secret device.

Her bf is actually very nice and doesn't know about the Tinder thing

OP posts:
MeDented · 04/03/2016 09:56

I completely understand not wanting your daughter putting bikini photos on Internet dating sites, my 'controlling' comment referred to the reading of private messages of a 16 year old! I think there are better ways of getting through to a 16 year old than treating them like a child, they have to learn how to make decisions themselves, and you may not always like them.

Birdsgottafly · 04/03/2016 09:57

Are you talking to her about were she's getting her self esteem and other such issues from?

Removing the media devices isn't the only answer.

She still needs guidance, but she can have a sex life, without you having to know about it.

Why is she on Tinder if she has a BF, have you addressed this?

I don't think it's helpful to see it in terms of "letting you down", she's becoming an independent adult, you don't get to dictate how she behaves.

I've got three adult DDs.

MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 09:58

When Dd was 16 a lot of girls were on tinder talking to all sorts posting all sorts it is quite frightening however your Dd isnt a little girl that you can take her toys away when she is being naughty you need to find out why she is posting semi naked pictures talk to her about predatory men young girls are vulnerable to flattery and admiration at this age talk to her, give her the devices back unlock passwords once you have spoken to her and try and give her some trust she is growing up but needs you to parent her like a young adult not a child I do know you are only trying to protect her girls are under so much pressure to be sexy and available its bloody tragic

dolkapots · 04/03/2016 09:59

Captain crunch Hmm

Birdsgottafly · 04/03/2016 10:00

Just to add, I think that you are putting her in a position of having to lie, because you think that you've got the right to dictate to her.

Why haven't you started off the conversation about cheating on her BF?

MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 10:01

And her own self esteem i missed a bit

ghostyslovesheep · 04/03/2016 10:01

she's not sending nudes Hmm

I'm a bit on the fence - you say things like 'I don't trust her' and you seem very interfering (I get it - I check all my DD's accounts weekly - which she knows - but she is 13!) maybe you need to back off a bit and give her some trust

Kids do things we don't like - it doesn't make them bad or untrust worthy

HOWEVER the friends BF giving her a secret phone makes me very uncomfortable - with my work head on (SS) I'd be concerned as this is one (of many - not panicking yet!) sign of sexual exploitation

I think it's time for a day out shopping and a serious chat over lunch - she's young, headstrong and invincible - you are old and know nothing Hmm

CaptainCrunch · 04/03/2016 10:02

Why the face polka? If you've issue with my post use your words dear, not silly emoji.

Bellygirl · 04/03/2016 10:07

When I was 16 if my mum was getting this involved in my life it would have driven me completely insane tbh. I know how worrying life is as a parent but I do feel this is a bit excessive? Surely it would be better to allow her more freedom in exchange for honesty? Isn't it worse for her to be doing this stuff behind your back?