Teen deceit - phones and social media

[Astrocloud]

First time poster here and really don't know what to do next. It's more of a WWYD.

I have a DD of 16 who is consistently deceitful. Mostly around the use of devices and social media and she is, unfortunately, an accomplished liar.

Had a great relationship with her up until a few months ago. Started going downhill shortly before she was 16 (end of Y10/ beginning of Y11). I love her of course but don't like the way she behaves some of the time.

DD is outgoing and independent and has many hobbies we support financially and via ferrying her here, there and everywhere. She also has a boyfriend we facilitate her seeing (he lives a 40 min drive away). We support her in all she wants to do and she knows she is loved.

She has an ipad and the latest iphone. She knows we have her passcode and that we periodically check. We have restrictions on these devices following previous incidents.

Recently I discovered she had downloaded Tinder on her phone and had posted pictures of herself, one in a bikini. I was livid, deleted the account and restricted her phone such that she couldn't download any further apps. I also deleted Snapchat following issues with that too. We have had several discussions and arguments about the dangers of the internet, appropriate use of social media and the like. I don't trust her.

Anyway today Ihave discovered (via checking her messages - she knows that I periodically check her phone now) that her friend's boyfriend is going to give her his old phone so she has a secret one which she can use via wifi without us knowing. God knows what her intentions are. I am upset at this deceit and just don't know what to do and where to go with it.

"She can push a few boundaries but I'll be damned if I sit back and let her walk blindly into a fire."

Is what I was getting at with this agreement with Zariah.

My children have all had plenty of privacy, plenty of boundaries, and parents who are willing to give them freedom.

I've said though that if my 16 year old was putting provocative images on tindr and using it that would be a deal breaker, we have discussed internet saftey on a number of occasions. This is not "being safe", oh and MY experience of school is that internet saftey and silly, risky behaviour on it comes from children with parents on every point on the parenting spectrum there is no correlation between parenting and this I don't think.

Oh and I know I'm not the wierd mum because (untill now as only 1 is still at home) my house has been a bustiling, busy place full of teens who will quite happily sit and chat or ask for advice etc.

I'm not sure whats crazier, the fact that so many of you are championing complete laissez fair parenting or that you start bashing out attacks on those who don't agree with you

No one is championing complete laissez-faire parenting, some are seriously questioning invasion of privacy and not allowing their teenagers to make their own decisions to the point they are snooping on all their online activity.

Some of us think that's crazy and despair of your attacks on anyone who disagrees with you.

My dc mean everything to me and I resent the implication that because I don't police their every move I'm some kind of negligent monster.

You might want to read the thread again and hopefully realise that you're posting inflammatory nonsense.

If I was 16 and knew my mum was restricting and checking my phone I would have absolutely jumped at the chance to have a spare phone! I wouldn't have wanted her to know about my (perfectly normal and healthy) sex life! The Tinder thing needed a discussion, granted, but cut her some slack in regards to her wanting a bit more privacy at 16.

I'm painting anyone as a neglectful monster, in fact I seem to be painted as some kind of snooping control freak, when all I have said is IF my daughter was found to be putting images on tindr and using it for communcating and setting up dates I would find that a massive breach of trust, and there would be some restrictions put in place on her freedom until she earned the trust back.

I have no problems with my child developing relationships etc, having a normal teen life, but I would put tindr usage as a big red flag!

OP, may I just say that there are millions of mums in the country and most of us are doing a good enough job. We all do things differently to each other, and some times all of us get it 'right' and sometimes all of us get it 'wrong'.

I've put those in inverted commas because there rarely is a cut and dried right or wrong. There are so many factors at play, including the personality of the DCs, the other young people they spend time with, the messages they get from school, peers, clubs, the Internet, the things that have happened to them in the past, where we live, their family situation, their position in the family - I could go on forever.

We may all think we are right, but there is no control group so we will never know. I repeat, I am sure you are doing a great job. in fact, I am sure you are doing a better job than many because you have the humility to question your own approach. And I am sure this is because you know this is a difficult time for you both - this transition from young person to adult.

I think there may be posters missing the fact that you do talk to your DD, she knows you may look at her devices occasionally because she knows you are worried, and she knows that this is because she has done some daft things. Your are not doing it behind her back. Between you, you are working on trust. That's great.

You may be getting it wrong...but you may be getting it right. You are questioning because you don't know for sure - and rest assured, no-one else on this thread knows for sure either! What is very important is you care enough to try - and she knows you care enough to try. For all the women on here slating their parents for tight monitoring, I know many women slating their parents for the opposite when they were young.

My first - I hope it worked!

I think there may be posters missing the fact that you do talk to your DD, she knows you may look at her devices occasionally because she knows you are worried, and she knows that this is because she has done some daft things. Your are not doing it behind her back. Between you, you are working on trust. That's great.

This is a ridiculous statement. How is it possible for this to be regarded as 'trust'. There is a massive power imbalance that makes it impossible for this to be 'working on trust'. Just because the daughter knows that the mother invades her privacy '---- looks on her devices occasionally ' does not make it right or OK in anyway. Nor is 'because I am worried' a justification. As for 'not doing it behind her back' ? Where is her 'power' to disagree with what her mother is doing 'in front of her face'. ? So if she disagrees, what then ? Mother backs off and respects her right to make her own decisions and mistakes. ? I doubt it.

I feel very strongly about this issue. I take exception to being called a lassez- faire parent. I am far from that. I am a 'hands off' parent which is quite a different thing. I am also the daughter of a mother who thought that the degree of control being exhibited by the OP was the correct way. I left home at 16 yrs and 4 months. It was the worst decision in many ways, but I never went back. It took me years to finish my eduction compared to staying at home. She still try's to control but is kept at arms length. I never regretted leaving. It all could have been so different if she had just backed off.

Marilynsbigsister, I'd say you too might be right...but you might also be wrong. It sounds like you feel very strongly about this because of your own experience, but that doesn't necessarily make you 'right' or the OP, or me, or other posters 'wrong'. No two situations are exactly the same...no two people, or families are exactly the same. Your DCs may be grateful for your approach in the future...or they may look back and think you could have/should have done things differently/better. Only time will tell. I just find it a bit odd when people think their opinions/way of doing things is the only way.

BTW I didn't call you lassez- faire. I don't do name calling. I try to respect other people as mums trying their best, who will some times do worse than me and some times do better.

FWIW again, I know as many people who feel the exact opposite of you for the opposite reason as I do who feel the same way for similar reasons.

Oh, not that I think that lassez-fairs is name calling btw. I think you are both just using different expressions. I don't suppose any offence was intended by that terminology. Doesn't sound any better or worse than hands-off parent to me. Having had a mother who was both/either, I am neither. Nor am I controlling. I try for a happy medium. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't, just like everything else in life.

That's all we can all aim for !

Marilyn I'm in the same boat as you and left home at more or less the same age for the same reasons.

Laissez-faire said on here implies 'don't care' and nothing could be further from the truth. With one of my DCs I just had to avoid snooping and double checking up on her because she was a very black and white girl and would have found me checking her phone as a complete infringment of her personal liberties! (She's mid 20's now and hasn't changed, still very verbal and a bit of an activist!)

I do think when a teen gets to about 16 or 17 you have to hope that you have set the ground rules and take a deep breath and trust them as much as you possibly can. OP taking your DDs phone off of her for a fortnight is a long long time in the life of a 16yo and I'm just not sure that would achieve anything but resentment?

In the OPs case her DD has given her reason for concern in the past, so the occasional checking of her DDs messages was out of genuine concern not a desire to snoop or control.

As it turns out the OP was right to be check her online activity, having found out about bikini photos and a Tinder account. So all of you saying you would never check your child's online activity - would you have a look if you had a reason to be concerned? If you actually found something wrong - would you then be more likely to keep a close eye on things until the issue had been resolved.

My DD is younger than the OPs and I periodically have a look at her phone and social media. My reasoning is that she is young and vulnerable and still needs my guidance while she navigates the online world. If I have no cause for concern I probably won't check her messages as she gets older but if I sense that somethings not right, I'll be back in there without hesitation.

It was never meant as an insult, and I wouldn't habitually check messages myself, but if the trust element was broken through something like this then some priviliges earned by that trust would be stopped. Simple, I'd most likely remove the smart phone and let her have the nokia we have in the messy drawer! No apps and no camera!

i don't see the problem with a picture of a 16 yo wearing a bikini to be honest.As long as they were normal not 'porn ' poses-no problem.You need to start recognise she is a young woman with a sexual feelings now not your little girl.

Its the opening yourself out to people that you don't know, or people that may be lying about their age etc.

Hmm. She's 16 not 14.

However. I know what my mother would have done. Removed the phones and told me if I want one, I can pay for my own ;) She also wouldn't have provided free wifi.

Having said that, in the nicest possible way, you need to back off a little. If there's no trust, she has no reason to disprove you, does she??She knows that you will think she's lying regardless (that's how I think I would feel)

Work on building your relationship back up. At 16 though, I think she should be paying for all the latest gadgets herself.

At 16 though, I think she should be paying for all the latest gadgets herself

she is in full time education and presumably working hard for her GCSEs which will be starting very soon

My DD was working 12 hours a week whilst still at school aged 16 and 17. She's paid for her own phone ever since, she's at uni now and also pays for her car insurance. She's a young woman with a mind of her own. I'm always here for her. At no time did I ever check her online activity or know any of her passwords, we trust each other not to overstep the boundaries.