Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Teen deceit - phones and social media

142 replies

Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:31

First time poster here and really don't know what to do next. It's more of a WWYD.

I have a DD of 16 who is consistently deceitful. Mostly around the use of devices and social media and she is, unfortunately, an accomplished liar.

Had a great relationship with her up until a few months ago. Started going downhill shortly before she was 16 (end of Y10/ beginning of Y11). I love her of course but don't like the way she behaves some of the time.

DD is outgoing and independent and has many hobbies we support financially and via ferrying her here, there and everywhere. She also has a boyfriend we facilitate her seeing (he lives a 40 min drive away). We support her in all she wants to do and she knows she is loved.

She has an ipad and the latest iphone. She knows we have her passcode and that we periodically check. We have restrictions on these devices following previous incidents.

Recently I discovered she had downloaded Tinder on her phone and had posted pictures of herself, one in a bikini. I was livid, deleted the account and restricted her phone such that she couldn't download any further apps. I also deleted Snapchat following issues with that too. We have had several discussions and arguments about the dangers of the internet, appropriate use of social media and the like. I don't trust her.

Anyway today Ihave discovered (via checking her messages - she knows that I periodically check her phone now) that her friend's boyfriend is going to give her his old phone so she has a secret one which she can use via wifi without us knowing. God knows what her intentions are. I am upset at this deceit and just don't know what to do and where to go with it.

OP posts:

GrumpyOldBag · 04/03/2016 10:09

If she is living in the OP's house then I think the OP is perfectly entitled to implement some rules and exercise a bit of control over her daughter's life.

Posting provocative photos on the internet can get completely out of control (have first-hand knowledge of this).

CaptainCrunch · 04/03/2016 10:11

Exactly belly. The 20th century equivalent would be reading diaries and listening to private calls on a landline extension.

The op has helped create the situation by being over involved and denying her DD privacy and independence.

Original poster

Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 10:11

I can see there are very polarised views on this out there.

I admit I am controlling to some extent. She is still only 16. I hear what some of you are saying about her growing up but there has to be a balance. I only check her messages now and then because of the problems we had previously. If I hadn't of checked, god knows what might have happened. I do worry.

We have had discussions about all of this and she is aware. How far do you go to protect them? I think the baseline problem is my lack of trust and I am having trouble getting past this.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 10:12

Her friends boyfriend gave her the phone that could be a kindness because you are the bad mummy or be iffy these puctures could end up round school text or snap chats circulated your poor girl could end up be labelled a slut or whatever words they use

BackInTheRealWorld · 04/03/2016 10:15

If you don't want her to be seen in a bikini surely it's the bikini you should take away not the phone.

MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 10:17

Pictures* I think you need to at least give her a device back look like you are backing off tell her that these pictures messages are her responsibility now

Birdsgottafly · 04/03/2016 10:17

""If she is living in the OP's house then I think the OP is perfectly entitled to implement some rules and exercise a bit of control over her daughter's life.""

It depends on the nature of the control and the amount of communication going on.

16 year old girls don't start posting provocative pictures/join Tinder in a vacuum, somethings going wrong.

It's more important that the OP gets her to open up and discuss things, if the OP isn't capable of talking things over without moral judgements, then there are other sources that the DD can be directed to. However, the DD does seem to still be pursuing her education and have hobbies.

IMO, most young people can't move out, the only rules that you can dictate, is that they don't bring casual sex partners into the house.

You can't dictate the sex life of other adults.

blindsider · 04/03/2016 10:18

I don't know whether this is true as I am a complete technophobe but I was told that you could set up your wifi at home to authenticate specific devices so you only have authorised users able to log in to the wifi - she will not be able to get her BF's phone logged on.

I have two SD's at home and although I am a natural cynic I reckon they are taking their mum for an absolute ride, the abuse of her good nature and the air of entitlement really grinds my gears.

PeggyBlomquist · 04/03/2016 10:19

Astro, it is hard to draw a line but at some point you will have to trust her and let her make her own mistakes. I was very like her at 16 and I had a horribly controlling mother.
She had no faith that I could make a mistake and fix it myself nor that I would be able to ever make the correct decision. Her hovering made me so terribly insecure that really up until I was 30ish I had major issues believing in myself.
The worst thing is, she didnt want that for me. She did not set out for that. She thought she was protecting me and guiding me. I can see that you love and care for her but I feel you are in with a serious chance of alienating her entirely.
Yes I would have made some stupid mistakes but I would have learnt a lot of things a whole lot earlier.

MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 10:19

If its not a bikini it will be a tight booby vest top picture or in her underwear tight dress etc etc

blindsider · 04/03/2016 10:20

Bankintherealworld

If you don't want her to be seen in a bikini surely it's the bikini you should take away not the phone.*

Ha Ha be careful what you wish for.

Original poster

Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 10:21

She does have her phone, we only took it for 2 weeks. And we still let her message her bf via her laptop even during that short period (he is the same age as her btw, I think someone asked that earlier).

The secret phone would be an extra phone to her iphone (which she has)

OP posts:

CaptainCrunch · 04/03/2016 10:22

Sorry if I sounded harsh op but your DD is a person in her own right. She will make poor decisions, she will make mistakes. This is how we grow and learn as people.

Have my dc had issues over social media? Of course they have but they had to navigate their own way through it. I was there for support and advice but no way would I have checked their devices or removed their way of communicating.

You need to have an honest open dialogue with her. Wipe the slate and start again, you need to regain trust on both sides.

Good luck. You are clearly a loving mum.

ghostyslovesheep · 04/03/2016 10:22

I think the baseline problem is my lack of trust and I am having trouble getting past this

I think that's really honest and I think you are right - now I would sit down with her and say that ^^ and ask her how you both move forward

say you WANT to stop the surveillance and you want to back off but she is your little girl and you are scared and you need to agree together a way forward x

MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 10:24

Does she still have the other phone ?

TeenAndTween · 04/03/2016 10:25

Astro I know where you are coming from.

Some 16yos are sensible, and safe and make considered decisions. This is due to a mix of nature and upbringing.

Some 16yos on the other hand, are easily led, maturity of a 14yo, can't think through consequences, low self esteem, and as such are much more 'at risk'. This can be due to nature, upbringing, or due to previous life events.

In my experience, parents of the former do not understand parents of the latter. Parents of the latter have to do a very delicate balance between letting their 16yo out into the world, whilst simultaneously ensuring they stay safe.

19lottie82 · 04/03/2016 10:26

Sooty but I agree with the others who have said she's 16...... Taking away her devices isn't going to work, you need to talk to her and try to make her understand why setting up a tinder profile isn't a good idea.

She could have a baby / join the army / get married (in Scotland), she's not a child anymore. Insisting on having copies of her passwords and looking through her profiles will just make her hate you. No wonder she got a secret phone!!

kali110 · 04/03/2016 10:26

ghostyslovesheep or so the dd can keep all her social media accs without mom knowing...
My friend gVe me an old phone when i was young because mine was like a brick!
No exploitation.
I can understand why op is so upset and worried, but this is too controlling

Original poster

Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 10:27

Ghostly, Peggy, that's really good advice. I will have a deep think on this.

Parenting a 16 yr old is way harder than anything that has come before. I don't want to be a Mum she resents forever but neither do I want her unsafe. I have to find a balance I haven't found yet.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 10:31

I have worked with 16yr olds with babies they are just 16yr old with babies they dont suddenly mature because they have had a baby i am not being picky but when this is said it always grates on me slightly 16 year olds still need guidance ime

ghostyslovesheep · 04/03/2016 10:31

also I disagree that it's like 'reading her diary' in the 1970's my dairy wouldn't have allowed child abusers to target me and contact me directly - social media does!

toomuchinternets · 04/03/2016 10:32

Hi Astrocloud. What a predicament! If it makes you feel any better, I am a KS4 pastoral leader and the majority of my issues are similar to this, around social media usage, lies and appropriate behaviour. It's awful but for the record I'd rather have a 'controlling' parent than the ones who seem to turn a blind eye.

TeenAndTween · 04/03/2016 10:33

lottie She could have a baby

erm. Exactly. Would you want your 16yo not yet finished education to get pregnant / catch STD due to having unprotected sex with a very new boyfriend due to her lack of thinking skills / being easily led etc?

No, thought not.

whatsgoingontoday · 04/03/2016 10:34

I'm sure you mean well but you're not treating her like an adult so how can you expect her to develop into one, or to engage in adult conversations with you. You are potentially pushing your relationship with her to a point where it will never recover.

My mother was like this when i was a teen (reading diaries, listening in to phone conversations, 'accidentally' opening my post). I'm sure she meant well but I was so keen to get away that i dropped out of my a-levels a month after my 17th birthday and got a job so that i could afford to move out of the family home. In fact i moved to a big city about 200 miles away, which put me at more risk of getting involved in something dangerous than if i'd stayed at home and been treated like an adult by my parents.

CaptainCrunch · 04/03/2016 10:35

ghosty, it IS like reading a diary. It's private and not for anyone's eyes other than the OP's DD and whomsoever she chooses to see it, certainly it won't be her mother.

Also, she isn't a "child", she is 16. She is capable of having sex legally.

And "child abusers" don't need diaries, social media or any other device to target the vulnerable. It's been happening for centuries and unfortunately will continue to happen.

You are just muddying the waters, the OP knows she needs to get a better handle on this.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6