Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen deceit - phones and social media

142 replies

Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 09:31

First time poster here and really don't know what to do next. It's more of a WWYD.

I have a DD of 16 who is consistently deceitful. Mostly around the use of devices and social media and she is, unfortunately, an accomplished liar.

Had a great relationship with her up until a few months ago. Started going downhill shortly before she was 16 (end of Y10/ beginning of Y11). I love her of course but don't like the way she behaves some of the time.

DD is outgoing and independent and has many hobbies we support financially and via ferrying her here, there and everywhere. She also has a boyfriend we facilitate her seeing (he lives a 40 min drive away). We support her in all she wants to do and she knows she is loved.

She has an ipad and the latest iphone. She knows we have her passcode and that we periodically check. We have restrictions on these devices following previous incidents.

Recently I discovered she had downloaded Tinder on her phone and had posted pictures of herself, one in a bikini. I was livid, deleted the account and restricted her phone such that she couldn't download any further apps. I also deleted Snapchat following issues with that too. We have had several discussions and arguments about the dangers of the internet, appropriate use of social media and the like. I don't trust her.

Anyway today Ihave discovered (via checking her messages - she knows that I periodically check her phone now) that her friend's boyfriend is going to give her his old phone so she has a secret one which she can use via wifi without us knowing. God knows what her intentions are. I am upset at this deceit and just don't know what to do and where to go with it.

OP posts:
Bluebolt · 04/03/2016 15:29

Access to the Internet is so easily available that even switching off broadband at home will not stop her being able to post inappropriate stuff. The best you can do is persuade and warn her not to, she is the only one who can stop photos being posted online all you can achieve is her not posting at home. It is one of my biggest teenager concerned worries.

waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 15:33

By law she is old enough to make a whole other person and be responsible for decisions on their behalf. As a parent of a teenager I know that the harder I push, the harder he will push back. You need to talk to her instead of at her. Easier said than done though, you have my sympathies op x

Original poster
Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 15:35

Believe me I have explained all the consequences of social media issues in full. Plenty of discussions and I've highlighted cases in the news on this too. She has a lovely but quite impulsive character and hasn't yet developed the maturity to think things through. I somehow have to help her find a way to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrocloud · 04/03/2016 15:38

I think you are right about talking to her and not at her but I am not sure I know how to stop one turning into the other. She is not a great listener (very good at talking though) but I guess this is a common teen thing

OP posts:
waffilyversati1e · 04/03/2016 15:43

does she have an aunt or uncle or older sibling she might listen to? I know when I am at loggerheads with my ds (15) it helps to get one of my younger siblings (who are inexplicably perceived to be far cooler than me) to step in and make him see he is being a prat.

There are other teens out there doing faaaaaaarrrrrrrr worse. I hate the fact that kids these days don't get to behave like twits and get away with it, we are lucky that our misdeeds weren't documented by social media I guess.

lurked101 · 04/03/2016 15:56

Although, and I'm prepared to get shot down for this, when we have discussed the issue in school lots of the teens seem to think its fairly normal, to quote one girl: " Well if someone says they've seen your nude you can just say yeah and so you've seen that, so what?" the general consensus seemed to be that it wasn't that big a deal anymore because there were so many of these images out there.

Now I know it may be for some, I'm just reporting back what a group of y11 students said.

IcingandSlicing · 05/03/2016 01:08

Lurked101

I agree with you but I don't think this is the right way to achieve your goals.
This is a communication error - but to repair it we as parents have to be more accepting of our kids's reality - which is very different from ours, yet in the same time similar in the ways a teenager reacts to find himself.

And maybe our kids will be more accepting of what we are trying to tell them, they are not babies, at 16 they can be reasonable, if they don't let the hormones haze their sight. Or get into an endless power struggle.

araiba · 05/03/2016 05:08

16 year old me would have changed all my passwords and phone code and told you to lump it

im not surprised she wants a private phone you cant access

shebird · 05/03/2016 08:37

The world kids grow up in today is quite fightening and I think you are doing your best to protect your DD.

I actually feel sorry for kids having this pressure from a young age to be out there like some sort of sex bomb. I see lots of 11 and 12 year old girls on DDs social media posting pictures of themselves in crop tops and little shorts pouting and posing. Where are their parents? I just don't understand how any parent would think that this is ok or appropriate. It seems that kids post pictures to seek this validation or approval in the form of likes and comments like'oh your so fit' or rates out of 10. It's like a huge popularity contest but with pressure to look like something from a lads mag from the age of 12.

I don't have the answer OP, I just understand why you are scared. All you can do is keep talking and hope she come through it all.Flowers

MrsJayy · 05/03/2016 08:50

What does she say when you say about being online and the pictures/tinder ?

Original poster
Astrocloud · 05/03/2016 10:41

We have had a good honest talk, no recriminations on either side. I said I trusted her to do what she thought best with this other phone (which is at school and she says she hasn't used). I will look out for her because I love her, I care and it is not in my nature to give up on anyone. She is 16 and still needs me to help her grow up safely but I will be mindful of a step change in how to go about this.

Thank you so much to those posters who gave thoughtful and balanced responses. They were very helpful.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 05/03/2016 10:47

She does still need you its not easy finding the balance its hard Flowers

fourkids · 05/03/2016 13:01

Astrocloud , you sound like a very wise mum to me :) All we can hope is that when they look back, that's what they think too!

shebird · 05/03/2016 13:20

Sounds very reasonable OP at the very least she knows you are looking out for her and aware of what is going on.

Alexa444 · 05/03/2016 13:41

Captaincrunch Living independently? She isn't even old enough to buy her own deodorant! I would be the same if this was my child.

TheHoneyBadger · 05/03/2016 17:45

just because no one will be arrested if you get pregnant at 16 doesn't actually mean you're old enough to have a baby. she's not even old enough to be served a beer legally and legally she has to be in education or training for another 2 years at least.

the fact you can legally get married at 16 is a bit of an anomaly and hangover from the past compared to the rest of the law.

this is a minor still at school, still living with her parents and whose brain is still developing.

of course she still needs active parenting.

littlehooty · 05/03/2016 17:55

I have done topless modelling and glamour modelling all without my mum knowing because I know she would act like the OP is acting. I also have several images of me in a bra floating about the internet. I also have tinder and have several bikini photos. Nothing to do with vanity though. I'm sorry I have no real advice but IMO she knows exactly what she's doing, she is 16 and will do what she wants

TheHoneyBadger · 05/03/2016 18:37

you werent' doing glamour modelling at 16 without parental consent unless it was entirely illegal child exploitation littlehooty. hardly relevant.

i too was signed up for a modelling contract and booked for all manor of glamour (misnomer or what) stuff and my parents being as neglectful as they were just signed their consent without understanding what it was they were signing for. fortunately i had the smarts to back out and not go to those jobs despite my parents lack of active parenting.

you may be happy to have those photos out there of you. i wouldn't be, despite having been a vulnerable teen and having had money waived at me repeatedly.

TheHoneyBadger · 05/03/2016 18:40

we're talking mid 90's and bookings with razzle and the like at £300 for a couple of hours work. plus invites to go to stringfellows as it was apparently important to be flaunted and introduced around at 16. i am so thankful that my gut instincts steered me way off that path despite my lack of parenting, my youth and my naivety. pure gut instinct saved me from where that path could have lead. the ops dd doesn't have to rely on animal instincts and being mature beyond her years - she has a decent mother.

lurked101 · 05/03/2016 19:46

"she is 16 and will do what she wants"

Ah ha, course she will.

Relaxed parenting may let her do what she wants, but my attitude as previously pointed out is that while I pay the bills for my DD, I am in charge ultimately. You can allow a certain freedom, I don't get involved in lots of things, and leave her to fight her own battles, but where saftey and such is I'm stirct.

I read a quote somewhere that if your teenagers don't tell you that they hate you at least once, you're not doing your job properly.

Fuzz01 · 05/03/2016 20:52

I think you are far too involved in your DDs life. You have no right to read through her personal messages. My mam would bever dream of invading my personal privacy. Teenagers lie, god i used to say i was going to the pictures or a sleepover and go down the town to the pubs. I remember coming home drunk after drinking in the park, my DB did the same. We test bondaries at that age but it's how we learn and grow as individuals and i only did it once and twice and never got myself in a state again.

Your smothering her and most likely acting out because of the restrictions and control you have in place.

lurked101 · 05/03/2016 22:07

"I think you are far too involved in your DDs life. You have no right to read through her personal messages."

In terms of my DD, while I pay for it, I have the right to check it, end of. She has privacy, she has trust, when she betrays that trust the right to privacy diminishes. She can't pay for the phone, or even for her own pants! Until she can or reaches the age where she is legally adult I reserve the right to interfere.

littlehooty · 05/03/2016 22:17

No I was 17,
I never told my mum as I knew she would flip and be strict and not let me do it.
You were all 16 once, if your parents tried to stop you Doing something, you'd rebel and do it more.
I paid for my boyfriend's phone does that mean I have the right to check it? That's ridiculous.

lurked101 · 05/03/2016 22:29

We all turn a blind eye to things, a bit of drinking, the odd white lie, but if she's putting herself in a dodgy situation due to stuff that I am paying for I think I have that right as she is a child, and my child.

I'm sure there is lots that she doesn't tell me, I'm sure there is lots that DS and DD1 didn't tell me, but a bikini photo on a tinder profile is opening yourself to a whole world of possible dangers.

Your boyfriend is an adult, there is a difference

CaptainCrunch · 05/03/2016 22:42

So lurked by your logic whoever pays for the phone has the "right" to look at the messages. Imagine the outcry on here if someone's partner had that attitude. And some minors earn money so could feasibly pay for their own phone, where does that leave you?

I was living independently at age 16 Alexa, so what's your point exactly?

The level some of you interfere in your dc life is disgusting, it doesn't equate to concern or support as some apparently believe.

Swipe left for the next trending thread