Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for wanting to tell the Sainsburys employee to fuck off?

99 replies

Yvemen · 01/03/2016 23:59

I had the day off today...

I have a demanding job and sometimes work long hours...but I loooove my career!! As I had the day off I decided to pick up my daughter early from Nursery and spend a bit of time together.

So we made a quick stop at Sainsburys and this seemingly nice lady at the tills commented on how cute my daughter was. So I said thanks and we had the polite chit chat as as was packing my groceries.. (sorry I'm rambling)

Anyway, she said "It's good to see a mum spending time with her child instead of working for once", to which I replied, " I do work full time, I'm just taking annual leave", then she said "Your daughter's so young,you ought to stay at home so you can create a good bond"

I get soooooooo irritated with people trying to make me and others in similar positions feel guilty for wanting to work! I so badly wanted to tell her to fuck off.

Rant Over.

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 02/03/2016 00:08

Your rant is your guilt talking.

And I say this as a working mother. I work less now (she's 14) than I did when she was teeny. And that is MY guilt talking.

A working mother provides:
A good role model
An expectation of independence and choice
(usually) a higher income (which funds the all important leisure activities)
An ambition to aim high.
An expectation to not be reliant on the State/a man, etc

It robs you of time. And I do feel that "time" is a massive, massive thing to give your child. And it's something that SAHMs have in abundance.

But good quality time is (I think) better than a lot of rubbish/low attention time, even if there's not enough of it. And does working "full time" mean 9 - 5 or 7 - 7 and what about weekends and evenings? How the hell can till woman make a judgement on all of that?

So it's up to you as a working mum to make sure the time you spend with your child the best you can make it.

The woman behind the till obviously values time, but isn't benchmarking on quality.

I hope this helps. x

Grilledaubergines · 02/03/2016 00:09

Well, some people do feel like her. And no she probably shouldn't have said anything. But let it wash over you. You'll come across plenty of people with an opinion during your daughter's childhood.

Alasalas · 02/03/2016 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve · 02/03/2016 00:17

Really?

So she has no kids then?

Never had this from a person working in a supermarket, tbh.

RedOnHerHedd · 02/03/2016 00:19

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Thanks

MardyGrave · 02/03/2016 00:22

She sounds like a knob, don't worry about it.

People will judge you all your life, you will judge people all of your life. Be happy and content with your choices.

IceBeing · 02/03/2016 00:27

I would actually have replied 'Do you say that to all the men too or are you straight up sexist?'

Mind you I seem to have 'when did you last ask a man that?' on loop at work recently...

Out2pasture · 02/03/2016 00:28

You will hear this many times over the next decade.
It's hard to find the right balance.

Original poster
Yvemen · 02/03/2016 00:30

The employee was an older lady. I'd say late 50's, so perhaps she was also a mum but her kids were older.

I won't lie, I do feel guilt sometimes. But I also know that I couldn't do what some others do a become a SAHM, they do a brill job and I commend them for it but some people are just built differently. We spend really good quality time together and we have a great relationship.

I love what I do, the industry I work in and the things I get to see every day. It makes me happy, not as happy as my child or partner, but it does make me happy. And it really pisses me off when people insist that as a mother it is my duty to throw away my career goals. But as another poster mentioned, it's probably best to just ignore it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yvemen · 02/03/2016 00:33

IceBeing that's exactly what I should be said! I just gave her an awkward look with a bit of silence then started a random conversation with my daughter instead!

OP posts:
JeremyZackHunt · 02/03/2016 00:33

And whilst it's trite nonsense, Sainsburys did at one point sanction their till operatives for not making small talk with customers.

You can't win.
They can't win.

Somebody is thinking they've done a great job at making the customer service personal

Original poster
Yvemen · 02/03/2016 00:35

RedOnHerHedd yep, they do say women can't have it all right?!

MardyGrave Definitely, got to learn to let it go

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 02/03/2016 00:42

If it makes me feel any better, when I have issues with my career, exhaustion, stress, etc she tells me to pull myself together.

I tell her that is easy for her to say when she did fuck all my whole life. I never saw her work.

I'm not grateful for her being at home all the time beyond a certain point, she was a pain in the ass. I wish she had gone out and worked.

SoThatHappened · 02/03/2016 00:42

*you feel any better

Jw35 · 02/03/2016 00:45

Bit rude of her!

IceBeing · 02/03/2016 00:47

It is easier for me because my husband stays at home. So I do a lot of blowing up older male professors who ask me how I 'have it all' by pointing out I do it they same way they did, by having a partner at home.

I also like to confuse people by saying I work full time and DD is HE. The knots some people tie themselves in because it is just so unthinkable that a man would be in the home while the woman works.

One person even deduced I must be gay on the basis I was at work and my DD was at home.

Screw people's gender stereotypes!

MadamDeathstare · 02/03/2016 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VertigoNun · 02/03/2016 00:53

No matter what you do it will be wrong.

My full time working Mum was all my childhood full of bile towards SAHM's , she tried to bully me back to work once I became a Mum. I did go back part time for a bit. I wish she had left me be.

Yes later I over heard her crowing to someone else how lucky I was I didn't have to work. Shock

Do what's right for you.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/03/2016 00:54

Small talk is saying it's a nice day today, not criticising someone's life choices and parenting.

YanBU.

IceBeing · 02/03/2016 00:57

I would actually go and file a complaint tbh. The sexist nature of the comments merits it. The next person she ambushes with unwanted parenting advice may be in a far more fragile place.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/03/2016 01:04

YNBU. Parents can't win. You don't work you're a lazy scrounger and a bad example.
If you do work. You're not spending enough time with your child. I bet there's millions of mums would love to stay at home but can't due to mortgages or the government spitting their dummies out demanding all parents go to work.
It's a personal choice as far as I'm concerned.

maydancer · 02/03/2016 01:05

If you had the day off why did you send your dd to nursery at all?

PortobelloRoad · 02/03/2016 01:09

You're going to hear this forever unfortunately.

Whether you're a SAHM, WOHM, have a nanny, send yours to nursery, send them to boarding school, your DP stays at home, whatever the combination someone will take issue with it.

Don't you dare feel guilty, even for a second, this is what works for you and your family and that is the only thing that matters.

MadameDeathstare - Don't you feel guilty either, I am very ambitious and set and complete goals regularly, my mother always stayed at home. She taught me many wonderful things that had nothing to do with her work status.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/03/2016 01:11

Op's DD might have wanted to go to nursery, May, or. She may have had an appointment, or. Shock horror she may have wanted a few hours to herself, with no work or no children.

AndNowItsSeven · 02/03/2016 01:14

I don't understand the " good role model" argument. Being a working mother if it necessary to pay the bills is a valid choice. Staying at home with your child if you can afford to is also a valid choice. Neither is better or worse than the other.