for wanting to tell the Sainsburys employee to fuck off?

[Yvemen]

I had the day off today...

I have a demanding job and sometimes work long hours...but I loooove my career!! As I had the day off I decided to pick up my daughter early from Nursery and spend a bit of time together.

So we made a quick stop at Sainsburys and this seemingly nice lady at the tills commented on how cute my daughter was. So I said thanks and we had the polite chit chat as as was packing my groceries.. (sorry I'm rambling)

Anyway, she said "It's good to see a mum spending time with her child instead of working for once", to which I replied, " I do work full time, I'm just taking annual leave", then she said "Your daughter's so young,you ought to stay at home so you can create a good bond"

I get soooooooo irritated with people trying to make me and others in similar positions feel guilty for wanting to work! I so badly wanted to tell her to fuck off.

Rant Over.

How does this work then? A mum comes in with her child, she assumes the mother doesn't work? But a woman comes in without a child and she assumes she's a working mother?

A very odd thing for a retail worker to say.

What does ' already paid for' have to do with anything?You would think if preschool child is in institutional care 40+ hours a week the mother would WANT to give her child the opportunity to spend some time with a parent

may do you realise just how much you can get done during a day without either work or children? Had it occurred to you that OP may have taken the day off for specific things that needed doing? I think you should put your judgy pants back on the hanger. Why the OP's daughter went to nursery today is nothing to do with you.

op dont feel bad, im sure she didnt mean to upset you. Everyone has different opinions on this.

I used the nursery for my kids when I had a day off so I could reconnect with myself and sleep!

I was like a zombie when they were small, and I needed sleep to be human. I needed to know I could have a cuppa, read the paper and people watch for an hour to calm down from the frenetic go go go, and remember that I am a person too. I love popping into coffee shops, or taking a coffee out to a park and just chilling out, taking time to smell the roses, on my own.

Op you're going to get comments, all kinds of comments about parenting and your kids, so have a few ripostes up your sleeve. Grin and bear it.

No one knows what it's like to be you, so they have no idea what they're talking about- and that includes some posters on MN too.

Also, for whomever posted "when did you last say that to a dad" thank you: it's a brilliant response and I shall be using it!

You've got to learn how to please yourself OP, and flick Vs at the rest. Make friends with the guilt because you get it both ways sham or woth, or even pt like me now.

Enjoy your life!

I have three children and have been a working mum and a SAHM at various points. I've always felt rushed and guilty no matter what my employment status, and I've had negative comments like this whether I've been working full time, part time or not working outside the home.

The most galling are those from so-called 'friends' who are doing something different from me at the time. I've had SAHMs tell me how much better things are for children with mum at home, and I've had working mums, including my 'best friend' tell me I am sponging off DH living a life of leisure (dressed up with a little laugh). I think people sometimes lash out to make themselves feel less guilty, because you can't win.

Sounds like the cashier could have a chip on her shoulder.

Setting aside the working vs SAHM debate here, the real issue is Sainsbury's and probably other shops etc insistence from management that till operators are supposed to make small talk with customers. Customers hate it, staff hate it, so WTF do management not realise this?

It's fine if it's general and non personal, but so intrusive if it gets personal like in the OP, for whatever reason. Or the false 'compliment your purchase' shit that M&S go in for - why why why?

I cannot lie or make up pointless shit to save my life so struggle with the 'hello how are you, fine thank you' sort of shit because to me, you don't say you are fine if you are not, but obviously don't want to start talking about work stress, terminally ill relatives, toothache or whatever I am currently troubled with while paying for groceries.

Banks are another one - if you are withdrawing money they always ask if you are treating yourself or going on a shopping splurge - It's none of your goddam business and that person could be paying for a funeral or all manner of other upsetting things so they don't want to have a nice chat with a stranger about it thank you very much.

I don't mind talking about the weather, that's a good one in supermarkets becaise they can't usually see outside, so all they have to say is 'has it stopped raining yet'? But you don't judge your customers circumstances from a snapshot and make judgements on them, like in the OP.

Everyone is wrong. Especially if you are a mum.

My sil complained to me that my dbros friends were shocked she wasn't going back to work after mat leave and ranted about being judged for being sahm. Then went on to slag off wohm, until I told her what she was doing was as bad.

I am a wohm and never felt guilty. Why should I? Do dads who work feel guilty? I haven't met any.

She was unprofessional to give her opinion like that.

If you are a childfree woman you get judged for that too. I've noticed it quite a lot recently as people are starting to realise that I am getting to the age where it is never going to happen (by choice I hasten to add, which opens up a whole other can of worms because it must be awful for the people who can't have children to be asked why they don't have them or when they are going to).

It would obviously be wrong to comment on the woman working in the supermarket along the lines of 'if you had tried harder at school, you wouldn't be working in a supermarket' because she could be working there part time while attending medical school, or fitting in part time work round other responsibilites that unfortunately lots of higher paid 'better' jobs usually don't allow, or all other sorts or reasons.

Don't blame Sainsburys.
"Make small talk with the customers" means "make small talk with the customers". You may find it toecurlingly tedious and it's a skill which not every checkout person possesses in equal degree but it clearly means light chit chat about neutral subjects.

It does not mean "slag off a whole section of woman-kind, (but not men, obviously because it's a natural law that they should WOH) and when you realise that your customer is one of them, continue to have a go at her about her life choices and imply she's deliberately damaging her child".

You can't win as a mum, no matter what you do. There is always someone who criticises your choices.

I worked full time until second DC arrived then I still worked 30 hours, don't feel guilty, my children are now grown up and loving, well adjusted, happy adults with little recollection of childcare and no issues as a result. I would have told her to fuck off, but then I am a bit feisty.

There's no way to be a perfect parent but a thousand ways to be a good one. Have courage in the decisions you make for your family - only you know what works and why.

Ignore Sainbos lady - she has a different perspective and a flappy jaw

You just have to learn to smile and nod. If you love your career say that, tell her you can retire at 50, not work in a supermarket!

Everyone judges, I'm a sahm with school age children, fuck me everyone judges that!
I just tell people that I like it, it's nice for the children to not have to do wrap around care 8-6, or spend holidays in clubs. That my DH works 12 hours a day and isn't there to help.
I have time to cook homemade meals, time for myself and financially I have no need to work. Usually shuts them up.

If your happy with your choices say so.

You could give totally ridiculous/contravesial (sp!) answers like 'I have a criminal record for murdering my first DH so can't get a job' or 'I am working, I'm a mystery shopper', might make the woman stick to 'safer' topics of conversation. (I know that mystery shoppers don't identify themselves, but it will make her think).

But seriously, I hope that Sainsbury's give some training on how to do the small talk properly and safe topics of conversation to stick to, like the weather.

I remember when I returned to work when DS was 10 months and a colleague asked me how many hours I was doing. I told her I had come back full time and she looked horrified and then pulled a pitying face and said, "That's so many hours to be working when you have children" - as though she though it was being forced upon me and I had no choice in the matter. She also said this knowing full well I work full time hours over 3 days so still have 4 days at home with my son.

A few colleagues have since been making idle chit chat about whether I would have a DC2 followed by comments like "surely you'd go part time if you had another?!" as if the alternative would be unthinkable.

These people clearly have no need for a second income lucky them

People don't say this to men because working is still their default position. Few men consider that they have a choice, which is why they don't feel guilty or get the guilt trips from other people.

Everyone makes judgements about other people's lives - she was just rude and tactless to speak hers out loud. Ignore it. Whatever you do, someone somewhere will disapprove, so just do what suits you and your family.

There is no right and wrong for this, however much the govt tries to demonise anyone who isn't directly generating money for taxation.

I would definitely let Sainsburys know about that - massively unprofessional, rude and sexist.
And FWIW, I work full-time with two DC and don't feel guilty at all! It's definitely the right thing for my family.

Oh hang on, was it a customer not an employee? In which case don't let Sainsburys know!!