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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for wanting to tell the Sainsburys employee to fuck off?

99 replies

Yvemen · 01/03/2016 23:59

I had the day off today...

I have a demanding job and sometimes work long hours...but I loooove my career!! As I had the day off I decided to pick up my daughter early from Nursery and spend a bit of time together.

So we made a quick stop at Sainsburys and this seemingly nice lady at the tills commented on how cute my daughter was. So I said thanks and we had the polite chit chat as as was packing my groceries.. (sorry I'm rambling)

Anyway, she said "It's good to see a mum spending time with her child instead of working for once", to which I replied, " I do work full time, I'm just taking annual leave", then she said "Your daughter's so young,you ought to stay at home so you can create a good bond"

I get soooooooo irritated with people trying to make me and others in similar positions feel guilty for wanting to work! I so badly wanted to tell her to fuck off.

Rant Over.

OP posts:
PennyHasNoSurname · 02/03/2016 07:58

I cant see where it is appropriate for an employee of a shop you frequent to criticize your choices. Surely their job is to ring up the goods, take payment and provide bland chatter. How someone parents their kid really doesnt fall into this category and imo is inappropriate in the same way she shouldnt critique which religion you follow/who you vote for/your stance on homosexuality etc.

Totally inappropriate.

LaurieMarlow · 02/03/2016 08:02

I think it's worth pointing out to sainsburys that no one would say this to a man so it's therefore sexist chitchat.

StealthPolarBear · 02/03/2016 08:08

" Being a working mother if it necessary to pay the bills is a valid choice."
But there's also no need to justify working on the basis that we wouldn't eat or have a roof over our heads otherwise. Dh and I both work. If either of us didn't work, we would still manage. I don't work because it is necessary to pay the bills.

ohtheholidays · 02/03/2016 08:11

Age really has nothing to do with it OP,my Mum was in her 70's when we lost her 2 years ago and she worked after she had me and she worked after she had my brothers.So she was working in the early 60's whilst having young children and my maternal Nan worked as well whilst having young children and that was in the 40's.

Honestly I would make a complaint about what she said.That may be her view but the supermarket hasn't employed her for her views so whilst at work when it comes to the customers and they're lifes she should keep her views to herself!

MiaowTheCat · 02/03/2016 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/03/2016 08:16

That was rude of her. Dh and I both work - we enjoy it but also in order to pay the bills.

KitKat1985 · 02/03/2016 08:41

YANBU. No issue to make small talk, but to criticise the ways people parent is not on (and not what I would consider to be 'small talk'). I work full-time and I have, on a couple of occasions, had people say that they don't think I should work full-time with a young child, and it has upset me. This is despite the fact that I work compressed hours so I only work over 3 days (14 hour shifts) and one of those is at the weekend when DH is off, so DD only goes to nursery for two days a week. Next time I think I shall just reply that if they would like to recuperate all my lost earnings I'd happily go part-time.

Oh and May, shock horror I am on annual leave this week and I have left DD booked into nursery for her two days. My reasons are:

  1. I get nearly no time ever to myself most weeks and we have pretty much zero family support with childcare, so yes, occasionally I like to have the day to myself to get some stuff done or shock horror again have some time to myself for a couple of hours.
  2. It keeps DD in routine.
  3. DD enjoys nursery.
  4. Even if she doesn't go we still have to pay 50% fees to hold her place, so it wouldn't even save us that much money if I did keep her off.
  5. I am with her 5 other days this week, plus I see her before and after nursery on the 2 days she is going this week, so it's hardly like I'm not going to see her all week.

Ironic really that on a thread about people judging others parenting choices you feel the need to jump on and criticise the OP's parenting? I do hope your parenting is flawless at all times and that you never take any time for yourself, as you know, you wouldn't want to be a hypocrite or anything right?

roundaboutthetown · 02/03/2016 08:49

Oh dear. She should not have offered up a contentious opinion! That's not small talk... Fwiw, I think you are a very lucky woman if you love both your career and your family life. You don't want to go changing something that actually appears to be working well in your case, just because a lady in Sainsburys says so! Grin

Original poster
Yvemen · 02/03/2016 08:50

May I don't think it's a cardinal crime to send my child to a morning session of nursery whilst I'm off. The reason - wanting 3 HOURS of a bit of relaxation.

I really hope that's okay with you.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 02/03/2016 08:52

Miaow we used to get that in Lidl one of the lady's on the checkouts there loved our youngest DD8.She's autistic and has some physical disabilities as well and she's one of those children that seems to be able to make everyone smile.
If the lady had seen a magazine or paper at work that had a cute picture of an animal on it she'd buy it in her break,cut the picture out and then keep it at the till ready to give to our DD.It was really lovely.

She's also had the same effect on a lovely guy that we know that works on the market and a Grandad that worked on the tills in Toys r us.
They're faces always lit up when they saw our youngest and if she ever wasn't with us they be asking if she was okay how she was getting on at school.
It was always really kind and really appreciated.

All 5DC have been lucky in that way.The manager of the 99p shop in our local town always had sweets ready for our 5DC at the tills when we'd shop in there with the children,he had a big family himself and loved seeing someone else with a big family.

And the Pizza hut in our local town the manager and manageress there always made a fuss of all the children and they wouldn't charge us for the children's buffets for years and if it wasn't to busy in there they'd come and chat with all the children asking them what they'd been upto,how school was going ect.
Once we'd had children good customer service being aimed towards them is something we've always really appreciated. Smile

Original poster
Yvemen · 02/03/2016 08:57

Men never have to hear any of the insults that working mothers have to hear and it's pretty disgusting imo.

I'm all for women being celebrated in more senior positions and 'breaking the glass ceiling'. I don't know if women will ever have it all but I hope people begin to accept that a woman is allowed to be more than just a mother or wife, and can also have a career or something similar JUST like a man!

Also, StealthPolarBear you make a great point. Sometimes people jump to the automatic responsee of the woman has to work to make sure the bills are paid. But why is it not socially accepted just to say, "I work because I want to"!!!

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 02/03/2016 09:01

May
I'm afraid i'm also guilty of sending my kids to nursery when i'm not working.
I make no apologies for it, but getting more stuff done while they're out of the house (HAVING FUN) means I'm more likely to be able to spend quality time with them when they're here.

roundaboutthetown · 02/03/2016 09:04

It's equally disgusting that a SAHD would probably be viewed as a lazy layabout, unemployed person, sponging off his partner and forcing her away from her natural place with the children in order to earn money to support the family. People do seem to confuse being in a less powerful position with being useless.

glueandstick · 02/03/2016 09:07

You weren't criticised for going to work/ for not going to work/for spending time with your child/not spending time with your child. You were criticised for being a woman. No man would have got that.

HooseRice · 02/03/2016 09:08

Must be something about Sainsbo staff. When my DD was teeny, say around a year, I was off work with her because she had a really heavy cold complete with temp/shivers etc. Enough to make any adult feel lousy never mind a baby. I needed to take her with me to Sains pharmacy to pick up medicine. DD was sitting in the trolley seat whimpering and low level illness crying while we were waiting for our turn. When we got to the till the woman said "you can see why some parents beat their children" ShockShock

I was too busy dealing with my poorly DD to call the store manager later but I should have.

Sootica · 02/03/2016 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mmgirish · 02/03/2016 09:24

The woman was very rude. It is rare that people question a father's role in workplace versus the home.

OP, good for you for taking some time to yourself.

May - you sound jealous or a bit of a nutter maybe... How can you compare a nursery to an institution?

We should try and support other women's life choices. Not knock other people down because they make different decisions for their families.

OnlyLovers · 02/03/2016 09:25

YANBU. I'd contact head office. I wouldn't name or identify the individual member of staff, but would suggest that they put training in place to prevent this kind of thing happening.

That conversation would 100% not have happened if the OP were a man.

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2016 09:30

RedOnHerHedd yep, they do say women can't have it all right?!

To be fair, nor can men...

LaurieMarlow · 02/03/2016 09:42

Maydancer, what an ugly, judgemental thing to say on a thread like this. You do know MN is supposed to be about supporting other mothers - not bringing them down from the safety of your keyboard warrior armchair Hmm

Because god forbid a woman would get some time to herself. That's clearly the most unreasonable of unreasonable demands.

LovelyFriend · 02/03/2016 09:46

Some people simply have tiny brains.

thecatfromjapan · 02/03/2016 09:54

I found that post incredibly informative JeremyZackHunt -
OP - she was just trying to make small talk, probably as part of her job.
It doesn't matter. Let it go.

thecatfromjapan · 02/03/2016 09:56

Honestly -two threads with 'The Rage' today, about ... Nothing.
No-one died, no pets were injured.

So much stress in this world!!

gandalf456 · 02/03/2016 09:57

I work in retail and we are told to make small talk but you have to keep it appropriate so obviously this woman overstepped the mark. I expect it's a generational thing for her because it was more commonplace for the mum to stay at home or go part-time so I wouldn't take it personally. You would have a right to complain and I think they would have a word with the cashier for you. I agree with those who say you're damned if you do and damned if you don't but you just have to hold your head up high and be happy with your choice

thecatfromjapan · 02/03/2016 09:59

Enjoy your day off, OP. I hope you find the time to do something beautiful with your day and you don't spend it fretting over what someone you may never meet again might possibly have thought for half a minute about someone she doesn't care about.

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