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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my daughter's wedding

431 replies

lastkisstoo · 28/02/2016 22:02

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 16:47

It's her wedding day, unless you have real fears that meeting with this man will cause psychological or physical damage to yourself or your children, you need to 'suck it up'.

Seriously? The children are still in counselling. They have had SS involved due to the nature of the damage of the abuse they suffered.

What the actual fuck?

She does not have to suck it up. She was abused, her children were abused and now she has to suck it up that he is going to be at the wedding where her abused children were going to attend?

Fuck that.

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 16:52

I actually feel really fucking sick reading some of these replies.

The poster who said 'it's not all about you'

How fucking dare you make out the OP is thinking this is all about her? She made it very clear she has no issue being around him, it's her young children she is worried about.

She is getting married, old enough to know what she is doing and the pain it will cause her young siblings. She wants her abusive step dad there, so fuck it, the abused just have to suck it up huh?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/02/2016 16:53

U2 - it's very clear that LilyTP has only read the OP and none of her subsequent posts, or she'd know how old the younger children are, and the rest.

So tedious when people do this on long threads.

whyayepetal · 29/02/2016 16:57

Hi OP - what a difficult situation - I'm so sorry. You mention that you are very close to DD1 which is great. I would second what pps have said about talking to the counsellor regarding your younger DDs, and having a kind but frank conversation with DD1. If you and DD1 are planning the wedding together, perhaps it would be possible for DD1 and her new DH to stop off at yours on the way to their reception to have a mini reception (drinks/nibbles) for a short time? That way younger DDs get to feel special as their house is the first one visited by DD1 and DH, they get to have some photos with DSis in a non-threatening environment. DD1 gets to spend time with you and her 2 Dsis's, and has her marriage celebrated by being welcomed with new DH to your house - kind of "makes" a new beginning IYKWIM.Not sure whether this would work for you - thinking out loud really.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/02/2016 17:12

That's a nice idea, Whyaye - and sort of what I had to do for my Mum, because she was in hospital on our wedding day and couldn't come out (didn't realise at the time how ill she was), so we went there and had photos done with her in her hospital room.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/02/2016 17:19

Yes it is her wedding and she is entitled to invite who ever she chooses.

But inviting the person who abused your sisters just because you can does not make you any less thoughtless or selfish or unkind.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 17:27

Why do people keep suggesting that OP should speak to the counselor? The children have said that they don't want to go. Surely that should be respected? I honestly don't think 2 ten year old's will miss out that much by not going.

I agree with a PP who said it is too complicated to advise, as we don't have the full facts. The OP has said herself that she hasn't really spoken to her DD about this. She feels that her DD must have forgotten or forgiven the abuse but it has not really been spoken about. I think it would probably be wise to do that as a starting point.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 17:35

Needs that is exactly what makes this so bizarre. It is not selfish to invite the person who abused you, your Mum and ds's, it is beyond strange. Unless the DD has Stockholm syndrome, I can't help but feeling there is more to this.

whyayepetal · 29/02/2016 17:35

dolka - wasn't suggesting for a moment that childrens' views should not be respected. Simply that the counsellor may be best placed to advise OP on coping strategies that would support her younger DDs.

SanityClause · 29/02/2016 17:36

I think talking to the counsellor will give the OP more to go on when she talks to her DD.

At the moment, her DD is minimising. She might not accept her mother's version of events. "Oh, you're just saying that because you hate him, now".

Perhaps if an outside professional, with no axe to grind, says the same things, the DD might accept them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/02/2016 17:39

Also because, in other circumstances (i.e. their dad not being there) the younger DC would probably love to go to their older sister's wedding! They don't want to go because he will be there; they've said they will to make life easier for the OP, but they don't want to. They're already caught up in this and it's probably making them anxious, so talking to their counsellor would be a good idea in terms of reducing their overall anxiety and finding the best solution all round excluding the abusive man, obviously, but that's not the OP's choice.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 17:45

Yes I'm sure they would love to go, but it doesn't seem that him being uninvited is an option, which is OP's dilemma. To go alone, and leave the children; or not go at all. In those circs I probably wouldn't go.

Osolea · 29/02/2016 18:08

Based on the facts that the OP has presented, my opinion is that she should go to the wedding, alone, just for the ceremony and pictures.

To do anything else she is choosing between her daughters and effectively saying that she doesn't value their feelings equally.

The younger dds might be upset by not going to the wedding, or by OP going alone, but they can be well protected as far as possible, and they will understand better when they are older. They could be just as deeply upset by the natural guilt they could well feel if their Mum doesn't go and it ends up damaging the relationships with their sister. The older dd is just doing what everyone should be able to do, invite everyone she loves to her wedding, and it's not her fault that she is in this situation. She's done nothing wrong here, and for one small part of just one day, I don't think it's too much to ask that her mother attends her wedding.

The wedding is going to happen anyway, the younger dds will know that their sister has a relationship with their father anyway, their feelings on the subject are going to need to be handled whatever OP does.

grannytomine · 29/02/2016 18:12

Yes leave two damaged little girls out, leave them at home knowing every one else is at the wedding, including the man who abused them. Just don't upset the bride, what are two kids compared to her day.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 18:13

If someone abused me, let alone my dc there is no way I would be smiling in photos with the abuser. I also find it strange that the OP doesn't have a problem seeing him. There is no way I would be playing happy families with someone who abused my children.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/02/2016 18:17

I don't think that's entirely fair, Dolka - the OP said it wouldn't faze her to be in the same place as him, not that she wouldn't be upset, just that she'd be able to handle herself and the situation.

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 18:18

A grown woman is prioritising an abusive man over her abused mum and siblings and this is acceptable because she's getting married

Yes. This. Hell would freeze over before I invited my former stepfather to my wedding. The op's DD is a grown woman and not a small child.

Garnett · 29/02/2016 18:39

Something's gone wrong somewhere if a woman feels she wants a stepfather at her wedding who abused her mother and his children so badly they need counselling. I don't think we have enough detail to say who shares blame for what.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 18:42

I wonder if the DD received/is receiving counselling for the abuse she suffered? Did OP mention this?

Peppatina · 29/02/2016 19:05
Shock

I think this is the thread that will kick my mumsnet habit for good!

Far far too many posters thinking an abused woman and abused CHILDREN should 'suck it up' for the sake of a bloody wedding, it really doesn't matter whose wedding it is!

What the fuck happened around here?

flippinada · 29/02/2016 19:06

I've read the entire thread and am amazed at the graciousness shown by OP to some breathtakingly nasty posts.

lastkiss I really feel for you. This is a real Hobsons Choice isn't it. Whatever happens, someone is going to be upset. It strikes me that your ex might have deliberately engineered this situation - putting pressure on your DD or manipulating her into inviting him knowing the distress and potential disruption it would cause.

Sorry I don't have a solution for you, but I wish you well. Some posters have suggested talking to your oldest daughter and I think that may be a good place to start.

IonaNE · 29/02/2016 19:25

As he is not her biological father, I think she should have invited her mother first, and then ask how her mother would feel if she invited this man, too. I think the daughter's priority should have been her mother being at the wedding.

However, OP, if you don't go to your daughter's wedding, this can never be undone.

Adgefox · 29/02/2016 19:26

Be an adult and go to your dd wedding. You are her mother and she will only ever have one mother so you must be there for her on her wedding day.
Don't be tempted to be a child and in effect throw a tantrum and make it all about you (even if you use your younger dc's as the reason it is still about you and them not your dd on her big day).
Be the bigger person, eat, drink, enjoy the day, celebrate with your dd and just keep your dignified distance from your ex.

tillytown · 29/02/2016 19:28

If my sister had invited our abusive father to her wedding, I would have never spoken to her again. Just because someone is getting married, doesn't mean that everyone else has to suck it up and play happy families.

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 19:31

Don't be tempted to be a child and in effect throw a tantrum and make it all about you (even if you use your younger dc's as the reason it is still about you and them not your dd on her big day).

For fuck's sake.