To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

Aplaceonthecoach

Op isn't asking everyone to do as she wants

What op is doing is trying to be there for all three of her dc and it's tearing her apart and quite clearly upsetting for four people in this family

Yes, speak to the children's counsellors. And speak more to your dd. I'm sure you will find some way around this, if you are all close and fully understand each other's viewpoint.

Your welcome Kisstoo,speaking to those involved with helping your youngest DC is a really good idea.

And for what it's worth you sound like you've been a really good Mum and you've coped well with everything that's been happening.

I hope your DC continue to get better and happier and I hope you enjoy the hen night.

ivy please read my earlier posts.

I didn't say OP was asking everyone to do as she wants. I was answering your post accusing people of hypocrisy when they advise people should LTB. There's nothing hypocritical in telling someone in an abusive relationship to LTB and also suggesting the OP talks to her DC's counsellor and tries to find a way to support her eldest child by attending her wedding.

My response was to your point not the OP.

Granted nobody is asking her to move in with him but lots of people are telling her to either encourage the brides actual half siblings to spend time with their abuser or exclude them so he can attend and that it's perfectly acceptable for her eldest daughter to think it's ok.

dolka unless your suggesting the op had hoodwinked the social workers despite the fact this would cause her to have her own parenting questioned and the therapists involved with the kids then you are not anything like any of the siblings in this situation. You said yourself that your mother made up the trauma allegations.

Things may have changed in the last few years but when I had anything to do with social services having a care plan that advised you keep kids away from someone and attending functions where they are would cause you huge problems

suck it up.....Regardless of your feelings. It's not all about you

Have you actually read the OPs posts - particularly the one saying if it was just her she would go but its her DDs who were severely emotionally abused by this man so much so they are in counselling aged 10? So I think the OPs knows full well its "not all about her".

I have been in a situation with a family wedding where I didn't feel able to attend because of someone else attending. Not quite the same as OP but similar enough. I dealt with it by not saying anything just going along with preparations, did alot of the running round sorting things out, bought my new outfit. I arrived at the church and waited in the car till I saw the bride arrive and then I went into the church while she was having photos done, this meant I avoided any chance of being approached by the other person. I was in the church for the ceremony but when the bride and groom went to sign the register I suddenly felt "unwell" and excused myself to go and get some fresh air. My husband came with me and I sat in the car, my husband then went and spoke to a relative and explained that I was unwell and we were going to go home, I would have a rest and try to join them later. I didn't go back. It was the only way we could think of to avoid the situation without upsetting anyone.

I am sure people suspected the convenient time of my illness but no one said anything until about ten years later when I saw the "bride" for the last time before she separated from her husband and got a divorce. She asked why I had left the wedding and I confirmed her suspicions, I think she knew she wouldn't be seeing me again and just wanted to know.

The point I want to make is I think it will feel horrible to the two little girls to go to the wedding and then have to leave. I felt incredibly sad seeing this person enjoying himself with my family when because of the history I had to leave. I was an adult and dealt with it, these are 10 year olds who are already having counselling. Please don't think that going to see the ceremony and then leaving is going to be easy for them, it might be really difficult and I think their mental health has to be a priority.

If got the timeline mixed up, apologies. Easy to do when there's multiple Dads involved though

No its not easy to do if you read the OPs posts, theres one dead Dad and one alive Dad. How is that multiple?

I personally cannot see how on earth you can invite a man who abused your younger siblings - to the extent that SS became involved - to your wedding. He would be as good as dead to me.

I have a friend who has a very abusive alcoholic father.

In her early 20s, she decided she wanted to build bridges with him. She tried, and the first few meetings went well, then it deteriorated from there, when his true colours came shining through. (Not turning up to planned meetings, turning up drunk, abusive phone calls.)

She tried again a couple of years later, with the same result, and decided to call it a day.

Her mother was very much against her doing this. Obviously (in hindsight) she was pretty sure of what the outcome would be. But my friend had to do it for herself.

I remember her being so pleased to be reaching out to her father, so sure it was the right thing to do, each time.

So I have a lot of sympathy for your eldest DD. I can see she is probably hoping that it will all be lovely, and everyone can just get along nicely. She possibly feels a bit of pressure from other family and friends to produce two parents, on the day. Most brides do, after all.

But, it really is a very difficult situation for you. Hopefully you can talk about it properly with her, soon.

Laguna, I think if Disco has trouble counting to two, then they're really not going to get their head round the issues at stake, here. I think their opinions can pretty much be ignored.

Needs I am not suggesting OP hoodwinked anyone but what I am saying is that people see things from their own perspective. My own DM had an affair (which emerged years after break up) and I believe as a result of her guilt tried to make my DF out to be an abusive, controlling man. He was not perfect by any means but my DM would take a minor argument for example, and make it into a very abusive scenario. When you are told this so many times you actually see it for yourself. I had lots of SW's interviews about why I did not want to see my DF and I related these "abusive" scenes and they are all recorded. I spent years saying that I hated my abusive father and I felt very compelled to go along with my DM.

Later on down the line I wanted to pursue a relationship with my DF again and I was made out to be the worst person in the world. So disloyal and ungrateful to my DM, who removed us from what would have been an abusive life. She sacrificed so much and I was throwing it all back in her face.

My DM spent years waxing lyrical about how great my SF is and how he was the polar opposite to my DF. I never particularly liked him despite spending most of my childhood living with him. They are now (30 years later) in marital crisis and she is painting him in a very bad picture. An incident occurred and although I feel the need to be loyal to DM I can see that SF is in the right.

I am not saying that the OP and her DC did not suffer, and I totally disagree that the dc should be made to go. I am trying to give a possible explanation on behalf of the oldest DD, who is being made out to be selfish and inconsiderate. I am really glad that the OP is giving the DD the space/opportunity to speak and I hope that they can come to some sort of compromise. The bit about the OP not minding to be in the presence of the man who abused her dc did make me think that there is perhaps more to this.

No-one says when you LTB all family members will support your decision and act as you wish in relation to your ex. Life isn't like that.

Sorry I misread this as you thinking the op wanted everyone to do as she wants.

I don't think the OP wants to make the DD do anything but that the DD has completely misread the situation with her wedding and doesn't realise the position she has put her mother and siblings in by inviting the step father.

I feel all four will suffer from this situation and the one that doesn't suffer is the perpetrator of it.

Perhaps after talking to dd if she is adamant that she still wants him you could reach a compromise where he is invited to the ceremony only. You can ensure that you sit nowhere near him.
Still traumatic for dd's but you could all let your hair down after knowing that he isn't there anymore. Obviously this may not be a great idea. See what the counsellors say.

Alternatively you agree that he gets to go to one part and the rest of you to the other. Attending only one half is better than missing out on it all.

The thing is we all have stories about parenst who got divorced and refused to be presnet at theoir dc wedding if the other was there.
It ended up with none of my dad's parents present for his wedding .

But this is so different.
I fully agree about asking the counsellor the dcs are seen for their pov. They will have a leas biaised outlook on things.
I certainly would NOT take them to the reception. Whether for you to be presenht is to be debated.
But one thing you could do is to have a special party just for your dd (and DH!), your other dcs and you to celebrate the wedding 'your way' iyswim.

Honestly I used to work with SS and for quite a few of us this would have raised a red flag the children being taken near him,we'd also be concerned if you went without the children because they're obviously still really struggling bless them and them knowing that you've gone there and they've been left behind could really set them back and could send they're emotional and mental wellbeing spiraling down

Well said holidays

I still can't fathom why people have to jump thru hoops to ensure this abuser has a "smooth" day. Its being turned around to be all about the bride, and if not that its about the DCs. Everything except, the fact that this abuser is looking like the most important one in this dynamic. Its depressing..its a wedding so go at all costs. Id tell my DD very candidly why I could not attend its just too much angst and trauma for OP & DCs.

Why is it that a wedding comes before all else? The message is that if you've been abused, for the sake of saving face and making things nice for others then you put your feelings aside, put up and shut up OPs DD is a grown woman, the situation can be very candidly explained to her and I don't believe she is unaware, unless she has barely any contact with her mother and siblings. She's just made her choice. & because she is getting married, its all about what she wants never mind her mother & siblings feeling anxious and distressed

If OP attends on the day and this man aims to approach her (hopefully not!) or is offensive to her and she put up a thread about it the next day I wonder what the main advice would be then That it doesnt matter, as long as she went to her DDs wedding thats the main thing no matter how she may feel?

Still, what does it matter..I guess he will be at future family occasions such as christenings anniversary celebrations etc and OP will just have to put up with it won't she, as the mother of eldest DD she is compelled to be there, its not about uninviting him its about everyone else appeasing him

Bloody depressing

mistress generally speaking weddings are all about the bride and groom. The OP has said she doesn't care about seeing the Ex, she doesn't want the children to see him (as they don't want to), which is fair enough.

The bride I think is being unreasonable for being upset. But at the same time I think on your big day it is up to you to invite whoever you want, and they are free to accept/decline.

Sorry pressed too soon. People are giving solutions that enable the "abuser" to be there because the bride has invited him.

This is going to be a really difficult decision either way. You need to communicate honestly with yr eldest and talk it through together to see if there's some workable solution for you both. Also be honest with the youngest 2 as they need clarity and understanding of the difficulties on both sides (yrs/yr eldest). I certainly wouldnt advise taking them to the wedding but feel they may accept you going to just the ceremony perhaps.

Completely different circumstances but my mum didnt come to my wedding. I never got a definitive reason why (suspect my step dad forbid her). I have been NC since. Nearly 2 years. Its terribly hard. I truly hope you and yr daughter can find a way to make it work. Best of luck

I would not go. Your DD is old enough to know the full extent of the abuse this man subjected you and your DC to. She can uninvite him or else you just won't be going. Your DD is being incredibly selfish, her attitude is horrible to be honest.

I actually think this is a situation far too complex for MN... You do have my sympathy OP..

I would speak to their counsellor...
No matter what you decide it will have implications for your little ones.

Can you not go to the wedding ceremony, all three of you, and then be prepared to leave if things get difficult?
You must be there to see your daughter married, even if her half siblings don't attend, and you are not there for the reception.

I don't understand why people keep saying you "must" go to a daughters wedding. My sister got married without any guests at all, they asked 2 people on the street to be witnesses. I worked with someone who did the same. I worked with someone else who went to Florida to get married, she didn't want the fuss. I knew someone whose father died in a tragic accident a week before her wedding, he hadn't even been buried when she got married. She couldn't afford to cancel as she had no insurance and it would have cost a fortune. Her mother didn't feel up to going to the wedding. All those people are still happily married and are all in contact with their mothers, well except one where the mother has sadly died.

You don't "have" to go to weddings, you don't "have" to invite people. The world won't come to an end if people miss a wedding. To be honest I think weddings are way over the top and I don't understand the "best day of your life" thing either. I think the days when my children were born were far more significant and important to me.

If the OP decides she has to put her two young daughters first on this occasion it is a shame she will miss the wedding but it really won't be the end of the world.

I'm sad to say it but YABVU.

It's her wedding day, unless you have real fears that meeting with this man will cause psychological or physical damage to yourself or your children, you need to 'suck it up'.

IDK how old DC2 and 3 are, they might be old enough to make the decision not to attend for themselves.

You will never forgive yourself for missing one of the most important days of your daughter's life. And she may never forgive you for turning your back on her because she invited someone else to her wedding, incidentally the same 'someone else' you invited into her life when she was young - even though he was 'aggressive and shouty'.

YANBU OP

My dad was abusive and I don't see him much at all, I sometimes happen to see him at a funeral or something but that's it. My mum can be in the same room as him and if I did invite him to my wedding it would have been fine with her. However, it would have made my siblings uncomfortable and if I had wanted to invite him I still wouldn't have done so out of loyalty to them. They would never ask me not to invite him but they were the people who stuck by me when he was abusing us, so their comfort comes first.

I think it is very sad OP that your daughter would want to invite an abusive cunt to her wedding knowing what it will do to her siblings. The poor things are still in counselling due to his behaviour? I understand the complicated feelings around all this, I know what it's like to have feelings for a father/step father even though they were abusive, but I don't understand putting that person before the people he abused.