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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not attend my daughter's wedding

431 replies

lastkisstoo · 28/02/2016 22:02

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

OP posts:

SanityClause · 29/02/2016 19:32

Are people really so thick?

The OP would go, if it was just her. She would "be the bigger person" "take the high road" "swallow her pride".

It's not about her, though.

It's about two DC who have been so badly abused that social services were involved, and they're still in counselling.

Gaaaah!

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 19:36

Yes, people really are that thick.

It's shocking.

Allyearcheer · 29/02/2016 19:39

My dad refused to come to my wedding. I never forgave him. It destroyed our relationship. I never visited him when he was terminally ill and I never attended his funeral.
You will make your daughter feel humiliated, pitied and a source of gossip on her wedding day. She will have to declare to everyone before the day that you are not coming, to avoid fielding questions about where you are on the day.
You couldn't make a clearer statement to your daughter about where she sits in your love and affection.

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 19:39

Only someone really thick would accuse the OP of throwing a tantrum because she doesn't want to go to a wedding and have her children face their abuser.

At the age of 10 I imagine the children might wonder why their mum would go to a place where the person who caused them so much emotional harm will be. They probably won't understand the other perspective. I wouldn't at that age either.

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 19:41

Allyearcheer

My dad refused to come to my wedding.

Did you invite someone who had abused your father to your wedding? If not it isn't even vaguely relatable.

Hamsterpotty · 29/02/2016 19:43

Allyearcheer

Did your dad refuse to attend because you insisted on inviting your abusive former stepmother?

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 19:47

Gahhh again!

You will make your daughter feel humiliated, pitied and a source of gossip on her wedding day. She will have to declare to everyone before the day that you are not coming, to avoid fielding questions about where you are on the day.
You couldn't make a clearer statement to your daughter about where she sits in your love and affection.

What the fuck is this fuckery?

Her daughter couldn't make it clearer about where her siblings sit in her love and affection. She decided to invite an abuser to her wedding knowing that her young siblings probably wouldn't attend and it would put her mum in an awful position. It was her choice, she has to deal with the consequences of inviting an abusive cunt to her wedding despite the fact her siblings are still in treatment.

Time for adult dd to be an adult and realise her choices have consequences and not to expect people to have to face their abuser just because she is getting married.

She can't have it both ways.

Gabilan · 29/02/2016 19:48

OP it sounds to me as if your ex could be manipulating this situation. You're in a lose-lose situation in which whatever you do hurts your children. I would tell your eldest exactly how much damage he's done. Yes, he manipulated you and now he's probably manipulating her.

Then I would try to work out a way of going to the wedding that gives you some control. Can you work out a special, completely separate celebration with all your children and DD's new husband?

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 19:52

I think it was very naive of your daughter not to ask you first in the circumstances. It's her mistake OP.

shebird · 29/02/2016 19:52

What a horrible situation OP. I would speak to your eldest DD to emphasise what a problem this will be for you and the youngest DCs. Does she even realise that there is a possibility that you might not attend if your ex does?

If she does know the extent of the abuse suffered by her younger siblings she is being very U for inviting him. She is now a grown up, and while it would be nice to be there for her special day, your duty of care is to your younger DCs. In this situation I would do whatever is best for them. This is far beyond ex spouses putting aside old gripes for a wedding day. What your DD is asking you to do is totally out of order.

Osolea · 29/02/2016 19:56

I can't see how the younger dds are going to be more damaged by their mum attending their sisters wedding for a couple of hours than the elder dd is going to be because of her mum refusing to go to her wedding.

It is manipulative to the elder dd to explain things to her in a way that implies you think she should uninvite her step dad, or that you think she should be ok with you not attending her wedding even for a couple of hours. This is not a problem of her making, and she doesn't deserve to be made responsible for something that was beyond her control.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 19:59

It is a problem of her making, she should have sounded out the OP before she sent out invitations.

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:00

I don't understand why him being at the wedding has any bearing on you going.He is a fellow guest not the host.You have to accept your DD is not an extension of you and let her be free to come to her own conclusions about who she wants a relationship with.

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:02

sanityclause The OP has many months to arrange a day's childcare fior her younger DDs

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 20:03

Read the thread and you might just work out why ex step dad going has a bearing on op

Hulababy · 29/02/2016 20:04

There is no way I would want a young child of mine any where near the man who had abused them.

If they are still in counselling and SS are involved, the fact that the OP was to take them to be in the close vicinity of this man could be a red flag.

I think the bride needs to be made fully aware of the abuse that occurred and how much this has affected her young siblings, and the potential consequences for the family if they do attend.

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 20:04

This is not a problem of her making, and she doesn't deserve to be made responsible for something that was beyond her control.

Beyond her control? So she had no power not to issue an invitation to a man who abused her mother and siblings then?

I despair.

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:04

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maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 20:06

Just reading through some of these comments is making me want to scream

You do realise that half the reason why abusers get away with shitty behaviour is the fact that others condone it?

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 20:07

maydancer

THIS. MAN. WAS. ABUSIVE.

can't you fucking read

PurpleDaisies · 29/02/2016 20:07

TBH I think the OP is a crap mother for taking the shine off her child's big day with her pettiness.

Hulababy · 29/02/2016 20:09

may dancer

So the OP is a bad mother for trying to protect her two younger DD's mental health?

What about the abusive step father, who abused his DDs, who are still in weekly counselling as a result?

What about the adult DD (bride) who is diminishing her sisters' suffering, at the hands of their father and her stepfather, and putting that abusive stepfather above her own little sisters?

SanityClause · 29/02/2016 20:09

SanityClause The OP has many months to arrange a day's childcare fior her younger

Oh, good plan! The little ones can be excluded from their sister's wedding, and farmed off to someone else for the day!

I bet the OP never thought of that!

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:10

This reply has been deleted

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Hulababy · 29/02/2016 20:11

And Maydancer - what about the fact that people here who have worked for SS have already said that this would be a red flag - and could therefore have additional consequences on the family unit if the mother goes, and definitely if the two young children go?

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