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Original poster

To not attend my daughter's wedding

431 replies

lastkisstoo · 28/02/2016 22:02

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 29/02/2016 08:20

I think I would speak to the 10 year olds counsellor about how going or not going may affect them. I would probably go without the younger children, but would take professional advice first.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/02/2016 08:21

Your update puts a slightly different perspective on it all. Could you attend the wedding ceremony with your DDs if they want to come and if they have had the chance to chat through with their counsellor if it would be a good idea or not?
Then either you all go home or your DDs go home and you go on to the reception. It means your DDs aren't being excluded from the day and don't feel as though they are being punished but you're limiting their exposure to your ex. If there has been CP and SS involvement, are there any interdicts against your ex that physically prohibit you all being in the same space?

picklesanne · 29/02/2016 08:26

My daughter got married last summer and my husband of 30 years and I had separated the year before and to be in the same room as each other would have been seriously awkward. I went to the the ceremony had pics with the happy couple and then left. She knew it was for the best and has caused no bad feeling between us.

diddl · 29/02/2016 08:30

"I went to the the ceremony had pics with the happy couple and then left."

Why were you the one who left?

roundaboutthetown · 29/02/2016 08:32

Maybe because she wasn't childish enough to insist that other people leave so that she could stay?

yorkshapudding · 29/02/2016 08:32

Are the younger children still on a child protection plan? If so social care may well not be happy for them to attend the wedding with your exDH there so that might not be an option anyway.

bornwithaplasticspoon · 29/02/2016 08:36

I feel for you, op. I've been in the situation your younger children are in and the situations where I had to be in my father's company are forever etched on my brain - it's extremely damaging to have to be in a social situation with your abuser.

I would go to the ceremony alone and then get back to the younger ones.

Your elder daughter should have put you and her siblings first. It's very sad that they will miss her wedding.

ivykaty44 · 29/02/2016 08:37

Any aggression on mn by a man is normally met by LTB, put yourself first, yes you can do it

Now though an aggressive exp is invited to a wedding and the exwife and mother if the bride is being mocked for not wanting to attend the wedding

This man isn't the bride's father, he is an ex step father.

I'm horrified at the hypocrisy

Op I really feel for you, I would be hurt if an aggressive man was invited to a daughters wedding meaning that myself and other daughters felt we could go due to his aggressive behaviour.

I would feel extremely let down by said daughter as she would have surely known how this would effect her own mother and half siblings.

If I was in your shoes I think I would probably attend the ceremony, arriving at the last minute and then depart before the wedding breakfast. That way not missing the actual marriage ceremony but not attending the wedding breakfast when alcohol and free movement of guests could make you uncomfortable.

roundaboutthetown · 29/02/2016 08:41

What happened to the dd's real father? Is this man the only father figure she has ever had?

Lweji · 29/02/2016 08:41

People are not telling the op to move in with him, FGS.

ivykaty44 · 29/02/2016 08:47

No people are telling this op to put herself in a room with an abuser, one that is nasty enough to be aggressive. Not great advise for many reasons

Grapejuicerocks · 29/02/2016 08:47

Tricky. Can you just talk to dd. Calmly, without accusations, understanding that she has a relationship with him and would like him there, but explaining the damage it would do to her siblings?

selsigfach · 29/02/2016 08:48

You really can't miss your daughter's wedding, you just can't. Your younger daughters should feel free to choose whether or not they go. Your older daughter will have no right whatsoever to grumble if they don't attend, given their father's history. I don't see why they'd feel 'punished' if they didn't attend.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 08:51

I am the sibling in this situation. My elder sister is getting married and I am not going because our DF is attending. Very complicated backstory, but at the end of the day it is my Dsis' big day and she calls the shots. I am helping/supporting in the run up/arrangements but won't be there on the day.

Our mother talks of the "abuse" and "trauma" that he put us through, which quite frankly didn't happen. She kicked up a fuss because she doesn't want him there. Dsis put her foot down and insisted that he come, which I really respect her for. I had contact with DF when I got married, but I didn't have a wedding because DM couldn't be in the same room as DF, which I am now really sad that I pandered to her.

I do think that your wedding day is the one day in your life where you can be totally selfish and not have to cater for warring relatives. I always felt jealous of friends who got married that had united families where a wedding was a really happy event; not a fraught day where you are expecting a potential JK scene.

OP your DD has made it clear that she wants her step father there. It is up to you to either go alone or not go. Stick to your resolve and try to support her regardless, even if it has to be from a distance.

it would be very interesting to hear the story from your DD's POV.

derxa · 29/02/2016 08:55

I think dolkapots has it right here.

Lweji · 29/02/2016 08:57

I told the OP what I would do and have done in very similar circumstances. For the sake of DS.

The children are a different matter and should be protected, but I agree with pp about discussing it with their counsellor.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 09:28

I have just RTFT and lots of people are saying that the DD is an entitled bridezilla who is minimizing the abuse to her siblings and mother. I just want to say though that these blended/step/half family situations can be very complex, and that when things break down it is can be very confusing and you tend to compartmentalize relationships.

The OP herself has said that she would not be phased (sic) by sitting in the same room as her ex (who allegedly abused her and her dc) so if she would be ok with it, why should the DD (who didn't witness anything) refuse to have him there?

ohtheholidays · 29/02/2016 09:47

Having read what you've put about your youngest DC No OP I wouldn't go and there is no way I'd be taking the youngest DC neither.

Honestly I used to work with SS and for quite a few of us this would have raised a red flag the children being taken near him,we'd also be concerned if you went without the children because they're obviously still really struggling bless them and them knowing that you've gone there and they've been left behind could really set them back and could send they're emotional and mental wellbeing spiraling down.

They're still very young and in they're mind this could be signalling to them that your going to take him back or they could internalize it all and be worried that they won't be believed anymore about what happened or that people will think all the problems were because of them.

I've seen very similar happen before and it was awful to watch the children within the family taking so many steps back after they'd come so far.

It honestly just isn't worth it and if he had an ounce of decency he'd decline the invitation for his own children's sakes!

StrictlyMumDancing · 29/02/2016 09:48

This is a very difficult situation for you OP, and its almost like you can't win whatever you do.

As a compromise is it possible for you all to go to the wedding itself, but not the reception? You could ensure your younger DCs don't have to be near him. Your younger DCs seem to want to see their sister being married, so I would really suggest talking to them and possibly their counsellors about it before you make a rash decision.

Also are SS still involved? If so, ask their advice for the situation. If anyone advices that its not in the best interests of your younger DCs then you have the decision as to whether they attend out of your hands.

Original poster
lastkisstoo · 29/02/2016 09:51

And it sounds as if the DD's biological father isn't on the scene either, so at best the DD has had an extremely disrupted childhood at the hands of all the adults who should have been putting her interests first but are now expecting her to respect their decisions now that they have come to their senses.
My children have ALL grown up in a safe, loving environment. Hence the reason that I found EXH behaviour unacceptable and removed him from the house. My eldest child's dad passed away when she was a toddler, that is the reason why he isn't 'on the scene'. I have always always put my children first.
This thread is reading like my train of thought for the last couple of weeks. I am so conflicted, how can I put them ALL first when their needs are very different in this situation.
I am fully involved in the planning of the wedding, and will be attending the hen night in a couple of months. This however is putting a huge shadow over what should be exciting times shared with my girl in the run up to her big day.
We have spoken about this, however we were both very emotional and didn't discuss it as much as we maybe should have. I think talking about it with her more is really good advice, and I will do that as soon as we get an opportunity. Even that is a scary prospect though, I do not want to fall out with her or her me. We have always been really close and this is causing such a strain already. I think both of us are brushing it under the carpet at the moment, but it really is the elephant in the room.

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/02/2016 09:54

ivy it's not hypocrisy. No-one says when you LTB all family members will support your decision and act as you wish in relation to your ex. Life isn't like that.

OP's eldest DD obviously has a different relationship with her step dad than OP does, and than her youngest DCs do. That relationship is valid whether you find it unpalatable or not.

Original poster
lastkisstoo · 29/02/2016 09:57

ohtheholidays thank you for understanding it from the little ones point of view

OP posts:
ComeonSummer1 · 29/02/2016 09:58

Op I can't advice you but you sound an amazing mum coping in awful circumstances.

Good luck with your decisions. Flowers

Itsmine · 29/02/2016 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 10:06

^If the younger dc's are in a state of trauma I highly doubt it is in their best interests to go just to make a point.

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