To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

[kittybiscuits]

He's not her Dad FFS! RTFT!

How has he 'worked on' your first born? I agree your DD is being very disloyal.

I can't believe all the stupid comments made on this thread by people saying 'but he's her Dad'. Read the thread.

[derxa]

YABVVVU

[BeetlebumShesAGun]

We had this problem with our wedding. MIL made it very clear that if FIL attended she would not. Making it all about her and her son so miserable and anxious about the wedding it nearly didn't happen.

FIL didn't come in the end and it still upsets DH to this day that his parents could not put him first for once and be in the same room for twenty minutes.

Emotional blackmail is right; don't go, but then you have no right to be upset when your DD and her husband are angry with you.

[wannaBe]

It's far too simplistic to suggest that the DD here is being selfish and should be putting her mother and siblings first now that she is an adult.

Fact is, it seems apparent that the OP put this abuser ahead of her eldest DD during her childhood, to the extent she brought more children into the world with him, and now is putting those children ahead of the same DD who was forced to accept an abuser into her home because of the choices the OP made. And it sounds as if the DD's biological father isn't on the scene either, so at best the DD has had an extremely disrupted childhood at the hands of all the adults who should have been putting her interests first but are now expecting her to respect their decisions now that they have come to their senses.

The OP has three children. Yes, perfectly acceptable to keep the youngest two away from the man who has damaged them. However not acceptable to tell the older DD who she can and can't have a relationship with when there was a time when others were making those choices for her.

The OP should go to the wedding and support her eldest child. Because it seems she wasn't afforded the same level of support when she was growing up as the younger two were, and as such her choices in life have very much been led by those of her mother.

Abuse victims still have a responsibility to their children. If you fail to protect your children from an abusive man growing up there is every chance those children will then form a relationship with him which you didn't anticipate. You can' to lame those children then just because you chose to break the cycle. It's not a switch which one person can turn on and off and everyone else will get it at the same time. Life doesn't work like that.

[HalleLouja]

Ok from the perspective of your DD. My ex step dad did completely mess up my mum's life. He did many things when he left her that were beyond horrid. I did invite him to my wedding. My mum agreed that was ok before I did it. He ended up not coming but that was his choice. To be fair it was probably the sensible thing.

He looked after us from when I was 5 to 20. If you bring someone into your kids lives then you can't expect them to just drop that person.

My mum wasn't totally innocent in the situation she had an affair and left my dad. So that might have coloured my judgement in my situation.

If your DCs are happy to go then let them go. It's one day and your DD1s wedding. Personally I wouldn't have invited my ex step dad if my mum has really put her foot down. Trust me my mum would have reasons to do it but I understand why your DD would want him to come.

[BabyGanoush]

Agree with wanna and Halle

Just go, or you may lose your DD forever.

[whattheseithakasmean]

If you bring someone into your kids lives then you can't expect them to just drop that person

This times a hundred.

You chose the bring him into her life and you now want to choose when she drops him. You are the archetypal controlling mother, unable to accept your daughter has any agency of her own.

[Mouseinahole]

You need to go to the wedding. It is a day where your decisions could have lifelong implications on your relationship with your daughter. I think you should take the younger two and keep them close. Leave quietly at the first sign of a problem. See your dd married though don't let some abusive twat take that away from you.

[Devilishpyjamas]

Go by yourself. You can explain to the younger two that they are not being punished.

Your elder dd did not ask for an abusive man to be brought into her life. Yes it would be better if she hadn't attached to him but she did. I don't think she should be punished for that.

Is there anyone who could suggest to him that he stays away?

[bigTillyMint]

What Mouse said.

[Dumdedumdedum]

I'm lucky enough not to have had any experience of this kind of thing but I think the OP is getting a very hard time whilst she is trying to do her best to protect her elder daughter's half-siblings. I just wonder, did DBTB discuss any of this with the OP before issuing the invitation to her former step-father, or just present her mother with a fait accompli? In any case, for what my opinion is worth, I think the OP should not have to paper over the cracks in order not to spoil a "perfect" wedding day. The best solution, if the DBTB really wants her ex stepfather there (is he taking her down the aisle, is that it?), is that the OP should attend the church service with her two younger children, but not attend the reception.

[HippyPottyMouth]

Your oldest wants you there. The younger ones want to be there and feel that they can avoid their Father. Unless it's a particularly small wedding, it shouldn't be difficult to keep out of his way. Nobody is suggesting you play happy families with him, or even exchange pleasantries with him. It can be managed if it matters enough to all your children, especially if other family members can be briefed to keep an eye on the younger ones and sweep them away if he approaches them.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

The younger 2 don't want to be there, they've said they will go to get their mum out of the situation.

[Dolly80]

These children are alleged to have been emotionally abused by this man and people continue to suggest they attend a wedding to which he is also invited If the OP had said he physically abused them would the same advice be being given?

I realise they've said they're OK to go along but I'd take that with a pinch of salt. I'd be worried they are saying it to avoid causing more 'problems' for their family. If they are currently in counselling merely seeing/being around the person who caused them distress could have consequences.

As someone else suggested, could you explain to them that if you attend and they don't it's not 'punishment'. Perhaps ask their counsellor for advice about how to approach this?

I don't think there are any easy choices in this situation. The best outcome would be for the OP and her daughter to find a way to make this work without any more hurt being caused to those involved.

[BoGrainger]

Is this horrible man 'giving her away'? I've read on here a couple of times where brides have contacted fathers who haven't been in their lives for decades just because of their need to follow 'tradition'. As the mother there is no way I could watch a smug abusive bastard walk my daughter down the aisle and play a major part in the day.

[TooAswellAlso]

My father physically and emotionally abused my mother, and me.

My sister chose to forgive and forget. She also chose to keep him in her life. And she chose to have him at her wedding.

That was her choice. Our choice was to go to her wedding and avoid him whilst there, as she was our daughter/ sibling

[TooAswellAlso]

I'm not saying the younger siblings have to attend. But surely the mother, as an adult, should?

[PamBagnallsGotACollage]

Sassh, If the youngest can be expected to 'get over it' then so can be oldest. More so as she is an actual adult. These children are in counselling. Social workers are involved. The OP doesn't have to divulge exactly what went on but the involvement of these two services/agencies speaks volumes about what they experienced. Why should children have to put aside their feelings for a day? Why should their experiences be minimised and disregarded just because their adult sister wants to play happy families at her wedding?! Fair enough if it was just a marriage breakdown and the OP just didn't like her ex but this is so different. The daughter should be putting her mother and siblings first.

[merrymouse]

Could you attend the ceremony by yourself and not go to the reception? You would then be supporting her in the act of getting married, just not getting involved in the whole wedding rigmarole.

Your children might be hurt if you go without them, but there is also going to be fall out if you don't go at all - just tell them why you are going and be honest.

Having said that, if your ex is going to be involved in the wedding (giving her away or giving a speech), I would give the whole thing a miss. There is no reason that you should have to take part in a fantasy.

[DaphneWhitethigh]

I'm not sure it's unavoidable for the younger children to feel punished by you going without them. There should be a way to explain that OP's relationship with her DD is very important (it sounds like they've never shared a home with their half-sister) but that they need to be protected from contact with their SOB father.

I'd fear that the risk of them feeling guilty about preventing OP from attending the wedding is equally great.

[roundaboutthetown]

Clearly it is not a fantasy for the OP's dd. Clearly the OP's dd does not understand the level of impact on her half siblings, or has been sweet talked by the ex into believing it was six of one and half a dozen of the other between him and the OP. To not go to the wedding is encouraging the mistaken belief that the OP is deliberately difficult and obstructive in order to get her way. If the OP is not in fear for herself being in the presence of this man for the duration of a wedding ceremony, then she should be there.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

lastkiss - have you explained to your older DD exactly how things stand? Have you given her the cold hard facts about her younger siblings? If you have, and she still thinks that they should just put up and shut up on her Big Day, then I still say she's being selfish.

OTOH, if you haven't given her all the facts, then I suggest you do, pronto.

It might not change her mind, but it might give you more of an insight into who she really is.

I have a friend whose sister is getting married. They have a male family relative who is an abuser, and my friend has a child. The male family member is not allowed contact with the child. And yet the sister has chosen to invite this family member (he's not a close one, nor a blood one) AND expects her sister and DC to attend her wedding too. It's not going to happen. The BTB is distinctly uncaring about the risks to the child, her own relative - she just wants it all her own way. And their mother is colluding with this, and putting pressure on my friend to attend.

[diddl]

Op did put him in her daughter's life, yes.

But she is also now an adult with more understanding of relationships and as such is inviting him to her wedding.

To be a main player?

Knowing that that would force her mum & siblings to play a very minor or no part?