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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my daughter's wedding

431 replies

lastkisstoo · 28/02/2016 22:02

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

OP posts:
Osolea · 29/02/2016 20:45

Yes because abusive people always announce themselves, before anyone gets involved with them.

OP said that she chucked him out first time he was abusive, and then took him back two years later. So she did involve this man in her daughters life knowing he could be abusive when she chose to marry and have more children with him. I can completely understand how that happens and I'm not judging, but I think it's incredibly unfair to the older daughter when people are saying that she is the one who's put her Mother in a difficult position.

Osolea · 29/02/2016 20:49

Ten year olds feeling a bit left out of something that their parent has decided they shouldn't attend for their own emotional protection is not the same as an adult daughter being told that their Mum is refusing to come to one of the most important days of her life in favour of her siblings.

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 20:49

This problem was created when the brides mother knowingly brought an abusive man into a child's life when her own father was dead

Cause it's that simple isn't it?

Nice touch though, adding the part about her father's death, makes the OP's actions sound really bad doesn't it?

Nice victim blaming.

she did not grow up with him. When his behaviour started I put him out and he had nc with any of our family for 2 years. He came back when my youngest was 2, saying he had had anger management treatment and counselling, and certainly seemed to be a different man.
2 years later I married him, 7 months later it was over and he was out again as soon as the behaviour resumed.

From the OP. She made a big mistake trusting him, but she did and as soon as she realised he hadn't she kicked him out. This situation is not of the OP's making.

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 20:49

sorry, that didn't bold properly.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:52

Indeed she hasn't said they don't want to go. She said they will be 'devastated' if they're the only ones who missing out on the wedding, but she can't expose them to her ex so she's falling on he sword.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:53

That was to roundabouthetown

MadSprocker · 29/02/2016 20:54

I thought part of the problem was that the younger siblings were part of the original invitation, but because of the various problems, it would be unsuitable for them to be there, and the OP was then torn between going to the wedding or declining the invite on both her and her dcs behalf.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:55

The children will never really understand why they can't go of a family event and they're being penalised for their father's sins.

Adult OP can understand that, be philosophic about it, children can't.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:56

*DD not OP that should say.

Adgefox · 29/02/2016 20:56

Just to point out that the two youngest dd's would have been 5yrs old when the op separated from her abusive ex. They are now 5yrs older and have had counselling.
The OP has had SS involvement and also would have been involved in the counselling of her two youngest dd's. That is a lot of water under the bridge and a lot of personal growth.

I BET YOU ANYTHING YOU LIKE YOU ARE NOT THE SAME WOMAN OP AND NEITHER ARE YOUR TWO YOUNGEST DD'S.

This is important and, to me, the most important fact. You are no longer involved with this abusive ex and neither are your two dd's. They are now 5yrs older, 5yrs wiser, 5yrs stronger after counselling. So are you.

You can do this for the sake of your eldest DD. Hold your head high and do it for all the women who have ever been ground down by aggressive partners and walked away, and changed, and grown stronger as a result.

I also apologise for the "tantrum" comment unreservedly. It was crass of me and I am sorry, truly. You sound like a superb mum trying to do the best for all your dd's.

Osolea · 29/02/2016 20:57

It doesn't really matter who is to blame or what created the problem though, the situation is what it is.

All the OP can do now it to limit the damage to all of her children as much as possible, and the only way I can see that happening is for her to attend the wedding ceremony, without her younger children, and without staying for the social bit of the day.

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 20:57

Many of the astoundingly ignorant attitudes on this thread are why women often find it so difficult to leave abusive relationships.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:59

And what about the sake of the devastated younger DDs?

I think too many people are thinking they wouldn't have liked their mum to miss their wedding without actually getting their heads round the totality of this situation.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 21:03

That is not limiting the damage to the younger children. It's prioritising the older one over the younger two. Elder DD is partly responsible for this mess, not having thought it through in advance.

She can always uninvite ex.

MadSprocker · 29/02/2016 21:03

The OP says that although she got divorced five years ago, the relationship with the two dc broke down completely last year, and I read it that ss and counselling had been happening since then.

MadSprocker · 29/02/2016 21:05

Sorry, it said over a year ago, but still less time than five years.

roundaboutthetown · 29/02/2016 21:08

Yes, the totality of the situation is shit. This doesn't mean the OP's dd is fully aware of the totality of the situation, what with having a highly protective mother and all. Is she really aware herself of what has gone on since she left the family home? What is her relationship normally like with her siblings? How old is she, herself? What is the ex actually like with her and what has he been saying to her?

Charley50 · 29/02/2016 21:09

I agree with Adgefox's last two posts. OP you are your own woman. You and your DD's don't need to sit near him, he doesn't have any power over you any more; he's long gone and you got rid of him. He's not a bogey man or a monster; he's probably a mean, sad lonely fucked up individual. Don't let him come near enough to emotionally abuse any of you at your DSs wedding, or make a decision that if you notice him getting drunk you will leave.
Is this man so important that his presence will be responsible for ruining your families very special occasion?

Osolea · 29/02/2016 21:15

Elder dd is not responsible for this at all.

The attachment that has led to her naturally wanting to invite this man other wedding was created when she was a child.

She could have chosen not to invite him, but then she would still have suffered the awkwardness and upset that would have gone along with not inviting someone to her wedding that she loves, is close to and considers family.

The dd did not choose this, and she shouldn't have to uninvite anyone. It's her wedding, a hugely important thing for her, but just one day, or even just a couple of hours for everyone else.

The younger daughters are not more important just because they are younger and there are two of them.

Charley50 · 29/02/2016 21:17

I sound like a bit of a twat there but I imagine that the younger DD's fears can be addressed before the wedding; eg; 'you don't have to speak to daddy at all, if you like you can say hello and that's it. We will go home after seeing the ceremony' or something. I don't think it should be made into a massive thing; it's a few hours.

SanityClause · 29/02/2016 21:20

He's probably a mean, sad lonely fucked up individual.

I bet you a pound to a penny that he comes over as very credible, and most of the people at the wedding will think he's an all round good bloke.

Abusers don't actually carry red flags.

I agree that he's mean and fucked up, but he is unlikely to be the sad, creepy guy in the corner.

Look at how he weaselled his way back into the OP's life. Not to mention her eldest DD. He's not stupid!

kali110 · 29/02/2016 21:26

Ffs, just as the comments about how the op should suck it up are making me mad, so are the horrible comments about her dd!
She is not selfish, this to her is her father. People are calling and saying vile things about her because he is not her biological dad. Would it be more acceptable to invite him then if it was??
It is quite offensive to keep saying it's not her biological dad etc, biology means nothing.
Think it's horrible to say that the daughter has prioritised him over her mother and siblings for her wedding.
She clearly has a bond still with him as op has stated she has maintained arelationship with him so not something just for her big day!
as her biological dad is dead, it may feel very hard to cut the only dad she has ever known out, no matter what he has done.
It doesn't make her selfish or just wanting her big day.
I can't imagine it is very easy for op's dd either, nor for op seeing people insult her dd.

Charley50 · 29/02/2016 21:26

I didn't mean he necessarily comes across like that, but that he may actually be like that. It might help to think about him in those terms rather than as this frightening person who has power over the ex and DDs.

Charley50 · 29/02/2016 21:28

That was in response to sanityclause.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 21:36

It's f all to do with 'attachment' and everything to do with good sense.

Even if DD doesn't remember abuse herself, she can hardly be unaware of the subsequent problems her mother had with him and the two younger DDs. In that circumstance she should have talked to her mother first.

It's not an uncommon for people whose parents had acrimonious splits, not even involving abuse, having to choose which parent to come to the wedding.

A friend of mine couldn't have her father and SM, as he wouldn't be in the room with her mother and SF (despite the fact that her father was the one who cheated).