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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not attend my daughter's wedding

431 replies

lastkisstoo · 28/02/2016 22:02

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 29/02/2016 20:11

You are totally clueless maydancer. I can't decide if you're being goady or just incredibly obtuse.

The dd might not have seen the abuse the op had to endure. It doesn't mean in didn't happen.

Hulababy · 29/02/2016 20:11

May dancer: He can't have been that bad if the older DD can't even remember it now!

OMG!!!! There are two 10 year olds is weekly counselling. SS have been involved!

Is the OP lying? Are the two young children making it up?

Unbelievable!

Toffeelatteplease · 29/02/2016 20:12

If my DD was so thoughtless of anyone else's feelings to expect me to attend a wedding with someone who had been abusive to my children and me I would have no problem with the idea that my not attending caused a rift in the relationship.

I would be glad to to have got rid such an unpleasant individual in my life, daughter or not

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:12

Oh, good plan! The little ones can be excluded from their sister's wedding, and farmed off to someone else for the day!

And what is wrong with the plan.The OP gets to support her eldest DD.The younger ones are protected and have a fun sleepover at their friend's houses which I am sure they would enjoy a lot more than a boring wedding anyway.

Sallystyle · 29/02/2016 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 20:13

maydancer

Google Stockholm syndrome. I actually know someone who still sees a father that raped her and allows him around her DDS.

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:14

people here who have worked for SS have already said that this would be a red flag - and could therefore have additional consequences on the family unit if the mother goes

Social services would have no interest at all in an adult going to a wedding of a 3rd party.

Liara · 29/02/2016 20:15

WTF is it with people thinking that just because they are getting married nothing else in the whole universe matters?

My father did not come to my wedding. Neither did my either of my stepfathers (you probably get some of the background/reasons from that...). I still continued to speak to all of them, it was their choice and I respected it. It was also not that big a fucking deal, they all congratulated me the next time they saw me and we had a glass of champagne together to celebrate!

Just because I was getting married did not mean all the family dynamics magically stop. It is a (relatively) significant day for the couple getting married, but it is just another day with a party (and often a bunch of inconvenience) in it for the rest of the world!

People really do need to get over themselves a little bit, even if they are getting married.

Osolea · 29/02/2016 20:17

It is a problem of her making, she should have sounded out the OP before she sent out invitations.

This problem was created when the brides mother knowingly brought an abusive man into a child's life when her own father was dead. The ops oldest dd didn't make a conscious choice when she was a child to form an attachment to this man, him being invited to her wedding is just the natural consequence of what happened years ago.

The younger dds are not going to be so damaged by their mum attending their sisters wedding that it is worth massively hurting the oldest dd.

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:17

I actually know someone who still sees a father that raped her and allows him around her DDS.
I guess as the step dad is not in prison , nothing like that occurred.
Anyhow the elder DD is an adult and can make her own decisions.

Hulababy · 29/02/2016 20:19

Really? So the SS workers on here are also lying? Just like the mum and the young children?

If Ss weren't already involved then no they wouldn't be interested. But they are involved already, as are counsellors.

There are very real reasons why it could be a red flag for the mum to choose to leave her two young children at home in this situation. Anyone with an ounce of common sense can figure that out.

The adult DD needs to grow up and stop being bridezilla princess for the day.
She has chosen to invite an abusive man who has damaged her little sisters, and she has chosen to put her mum and sisters in a really difficult place. All of this is her choosing. She now needs to live by that decision, and accept the consequences.

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 20:19

I guess as the step dad is not in prison , nothing like that occurred.

Well neither is the man I'm talking about as he was never reported.

Are you that thick that you think all abusers are in prison otherwise they aren't abusive?? Confused

And Osolea - nice victim blaming.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:20

She made a conscious choice to invite him to the wedding without discussing it with the OP first. She has to take responsibility for that. If the OP doesn't want to go that's up to her.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:21

Ignore maydancer - either troll or thick as a brick - not worth getting worked up.

Adgefox · 29/02/2016 20:23

I still stand by what I said about you needing to be at your dd's wedding.

The issues were between you and your ex some 5yrs ago, not your children. If your two youngest dd's needed counselling well done for making sure they got that.

By not going (after a 5yr period I hope of release from your aggressive ex) you will perpetuate the acrimony that caused the damage to your two youngest dd's.

As I said, go, eat, drink, socialise, enjoy but avoid him at all costs as he is no longer part of your lives. Be proud of who you are and how you and your two youngest have moved on.

You will regret it if you stay away. It just shows everyone he still affects how you feel. Your eldest dd may not forgive you. You have too much to lose by staying away.

MadSprocker · 29/02/2016 20:28

Thinking maydancer needs to stop trolling, or I might just make my first ever report.

Osolea · 29/02/2016 20:31

She made a choice to invite him to her wedding in the same way that most people make a conscious choice to invite the people they love and their families to their life's biggest celebration. It's just what people do.

She was put in the situation where this is the natural thing to do by the OP, and now the OP thinks not attending her wedding is even an option. I feel really sorry for this girl.

I'm genuinely surprised that a Mum would hurt her daughter by not going to her wedding, when the situation that's causing the problem is entirely of her own making.

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 20:34

He's not her family. He's her stepfather.

My mum was with my abusive stepfather for 8 years and I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

Osolea · 29/02/2016 20:36

Then there's a possibility you're projecting. But we all do that I suppose, my mum is still with my abusive step father, I've forgiven him, moved on, and he's a very different person now.

SanityClause · 29/02/2016 20:38

This problem was created when the brides mother knowingly brought an abusive man into a child's life when her own father was dead

Yes because abusive people always announce themselves, before anyone gets involved with them. They say, "oh, by the way, I'm going to be abusive, just so you know. Hope you're okay with that?"

Hmm
dolkapots · 29/02/2016 20:39

Maybe he is her stepfather but OP said she sees him as a father figure.

Well if the DD does indeed have SS then she is ill and people should stop calling her entitled/bridezilla/selfish/evil.

I don't think OP is BU at all for not going.

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:39

*Not having the same opinion as you is NOT trolling or being 'thick as a brick'
.On the other hand not appreciating that other people do have the right to a different POV is dogmatic and obtuse

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:40

Posters seem to have missed the point that if OP goes to the wedding and leaves the children at home they feel upset and left out of something that's not their fault. OP is absolutely right that she needs to stay away with them in order to prevent that.

In the scenario she either upsets her eldest daughter or younger children.

Eldest is an adult and bears some responsibility for not having discussed it with OP in advance.

AIBU was probably not the place to post this OP, rather relationships. People there have a much better grasp of abuse.

maydancer · 29/02/2016 20:43

if OP goes to the wedding and leaves the children at home they feel upset and left out of something that's not their fault. OP is absolutely right that she needs to stay away with them in order to prevent that.

Rubbish!! do you take your ten year olds to every social even you go to?

roundaboutthetown · 29/02/2016 20:43

As the OP has specified that the behaviour got increasingly bad after the divorce, to the point that the relationship between the ex and the OP and her younger children broke down completely last year, I suspect the older dd literally has no idea of how bad it got, as clearly he was nothing like that when she lived with him. She probably hasn't lived in the family home for a while, and she has never needed ss involvement. She may well be "minimising" it simply because her experience of the ex is entirely different from that of the rest of her family, so from her experience, it may well be reasonable to assume the problems are as much to do with both parties handling the separation and contact arrangements badly as to do with just her ex stepdad being unreasonable. Maybe the OP has been so protective of her dd that the dd really does not understand at all what she has done by inviting the ex.

Also, the OP has not actually said her younger children do not want to go to the wedding: she said they have said they will go, but she believes they have only said this to keep her happy. As the whole situation, therefore, is clouded by emotions and misunderstandings, I think it is perfectly sensible advice to suggest the OP speak to the children's counsellors about it and ask their opinion and also speak to her dd again, as relationships really can be ruined by misunderstandings. She and her dd need to understand where the other is coming from and maybe the dd needs to understand quite how bad things got after she left the family home.

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