To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

[YoJesse]

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?"
Sorry, but you are being massively unreasonable. And, I suspect, you are minimising the damage wrought by your husband. Maybe it's the only way you can cope with it, maybe you're naive - I don't know. But please, whatever you do, do NOT say this to them, particularly the 'as a mother'. It makes you sound very holier-than-thou, and frankly a bit of a cunt. Also - sometimes the best support you can offer someone is to break ties, because to maintain them is to enable the addict. And if you can't imagine that, the fault is with your imagination and not with your in-laws.

"I do feel guilty about situations my ds has been in and I'm no kind on amazing mother but I can't see my mil's stance as anything but spiteful now he's recovering."
Again, YAB massively unreasonable here, and assuming spite where there is none. And I think you should have a think about hypocrisy. You are condemning her for not putting her son before her own mental health and welfare, but you are fully prepared to put your husband before your son's welfare. You've put your son in situations bad enough for you to feel guilt about it. You have NO RIGHT to judge her!

And if your in-laws have chosen to cut contact with you and DS too, maybe it's because you make it clear you expect them to give, give, give of themselves with no thought to their own welfare, while you and your husband take, take, take and put your son into situations that even you feel guilty about.

Sorry to be so harsh OP, but your minimising of the harm your husband has caused suggests to me you need bluntness to get through your veil of denial.

[Katenka]

Why not blame him for pushing them to this point?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Cross-post. He's still a user ? Fuck. He is not in recovery and you are an enabler/codependant. Google it and get some help.

[TheWitTank]

He is absolutely not in recovery if he is smoking weed daily and refuses to even attempt to give it up. Agree with others that you are in denial in a big way. Are you supporting this habit?

[ZiggyFartdust]

Bloody hell OP, why are you blaming anything on your inlaws? He isn't in recovery, he is still using drugs daily. You have a social worker because your child is at risk. And you're mad at them for not helping him? Isn't enough that you are enabling him, without expecting them to join you?

[CooPie10]

Wow he's still using?? And your son is around this environment , and you think you have the right to judge them? They probably are keeping their distance because they can clearly see how far from improve man this situation is.

[YoJesse]

I'm not supportive or unsupportive about him smoking weed. If it remains just that life would be bliss.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think OP said he is attending AA but won't go to NA because he uses weed.

Firstly, this is classic of most addicts. They decide they have a problem with 1 substance but not another.

Secondly, I would encourage him to attend NA if he has addiction issues with other drugs, e.g. cocaine and be upfront about what he is using with them.
Weed is not an addictive substance but a psychological addiction can develop.

[TheWitTank]

I meant are you financially funding his weed habit?

[YoJesse]

He's got money, I'm not funding him. Going to give the thread a rest for a bit. Lots to consider.

[Choughed]

OMFG how deluded are you that life would be "bliss" if he "just" smoked weed every day.

He's not in recovery in any sense of the word, and you're worried about the social embarrassment of being assigned a social worker.

Your priorities are completely screwed up.

[clam]

I'm not supportive or unsupportive about him smoking weed.

Well, I'm sorry, but you should be! (unsupportive, that is).

[GabiSolis]

OP I suspect you know YABU but are perhaps upset and lonely? I don't blame you for feeling that way, but obviously your issue here is with your DH not your ILs.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Can't believe you've tried the "as a mother" line.

I can assure you lovely, that "as a mother" I strongly judge your decision to have a child with this man.

[TheWitTank]

Yes I agree, you have a lot to think about. For me personally, I would never ever have my child around someone who smoked drugs every day and thought that was acceptable/refused to try and change. It's NOT normal and it's not right and you shouldn't accept it for a peaceful life. Good luck

[lunar1]

He still uses drugs, he hasn't got to the sorry part yet but everyone should support him?

Maybe everyone is at their breaking point.

[pointythings]

You really do need to take time to think about this. Your OH is not in recovery, and if he is living with you as a family and smoking weed daily, SS would take a dim view of this. This is not a good environment to bring a child up in. And yes, you are enabling him.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Do you smoke weed, Jessie?

Look, I'm going to be brutally honest; you have no right to judge his parents' decision considering your putting your junkie husband ahead of your child.

You has a social worker assigned. If he doesn't clean up his act, and you stay with him, you will lose your son.

You can't imagine ever turning your back on him? Please! He's not your priority.

[TitClash]

Maybe it will hit home when your son breaks ties with his parents.

You say there is nothing you wouldnt do for your son, but you wouldnt leave your partner for him.

[EweAreHere]

If he still fully intends to use weed every day, he is not in recovery and he's not planning to.

He's not.

Your prioritizing your husband, who isn't fully willing to admit he has a problem and needs to get with the program, over your DS. Being embarrassed by being assigned a social worker is nothing compared to the shock of having a social worker remove your child from a house where illegal drugs are being kept and used.

[AyeAmarok]

YABU. Very.

You say there is nothing you wouldn't do for your DS, bit you've allowed his childhood so far to be completely absorbed with a drug addiction.

You've only had 5 years of this, his parents have had much longer.

And yes, it's your DH who needs to earn back their support, not just expect them to be there after all he's done.

[Kidnapped]

I'm not supportive or unsupportive about him smoking weed

I'm guessing that you smoke weed as well. And that's why it is not an issue for you. It really needs to be.

I look at my tiny son and just think there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him.

Give up the weed and kick your partner out. Start with that.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I'm not minimising his problems here but for God's sake smoking a couple of joints does not make you a junkie!

I've just been on a thread where everyone agreed that it's fine for parents to drink alcohol in the evenings and laughing about being too pissed to drive yet here everyone has the view that if either parent smokes weed then they're unfit parents and social services would be very concerned.