To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

[YoJesse]

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

[TonySopranosVest]

It's a nice, clean family home and the nearest ds has ever come to his drug use is picking up his grinder thinking it's a toy!

See, this is not normal. It just isn't. Your thinking is clouded because you're hooked up in this relationship which is damaging to you ALL actually.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

""I look at my tiny son and just think there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him."

Apart from raising in a home that doesn't have a drug addict in it, YoJessie. I know that sounds harsh, but is it good for a child to be around a drug addict on a daily basis? Can a drug addict be a good parent? I doubt it.

I think you need to accept what people have said on here - if your dp is still using weed on a daily basis, he is NOT a recovering addict - he is an addict.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I'm sorry Jessie - your son has picked up drug paraphernalia and tried to play with it, and you don't think this is a problem?

if you really would do anything for your son, raise him in a drug-free home.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

YoJessie There are support groups available for partners affected by addiction. You can find them online or ask your GP. It will help you to go into this with your eyes open, hear other people's experiences and will be somewhere to get advice if you need it.

I hate to think that you are trying to deal with this on your own.

[wannaBe]

"It's a nice, clean family home and the nearest ds has ever come to his drug use is picking up his grinder thinking it's a toy!" There are no words to describe just how wrong that is. and nice family home and drug addict do not belong in the same sentence.

A three year old should never be in a position to pick up a grinder (wtf is a grinder anyway? No don't answer that.).

You have a social worker op. that is not normal. You say you put your son first but that's categorically not true is it? You put your son at risk every day he is living in the house with his junky father, who leaves a grinder and God knows what else in reach of a three year old child. He loves his drugs more than his child, and more than you, yet you put him before both of you. What will it take op? For your son to find residue of whatever is on the grinder next time he finds it and be admitted to hospital? For him to be taken into care by SS?

If you genuinely put your son first and there is genuinely nothing you wouldn't do for him then you'll get rid of his excuse for a father and not have anything to do with him until he cleans up his act, genuinely cleans up his act, weed included, for at least a year. But you won't do that will you? Instead you judge the people who have distanced themselves from him because they can no longer stand by and watch him destroy everything and everyone around him.

Your son will grow up knowing about drugs from a far earlier age than he should. And that will be not only because he has a junky for a father, but because he has a mother who has enabled that to happen because she refused to protect him.

[Waltermittythesequel]

don't smoke weed regularly

But you do smoke it?

Your compass is so screwed up that you don't think your toddler picking up a fucking grinder is a problem.

Another child with waste of space parents.

It's too sad. I'm out.

[gamerchick]

Do you know OP if your son finds dope and eats it, not only would he end up in hospital but he would be removed from your care and you'll end up in jail for a few days getting the shit kicked out of you.

Leave this person until he's been clean for a long time. Talk about putting your kid first indeed!

[lunar1]

You think it's ok for your son to play with drug paraphernalia?

[AyeAmarok]

Our home was never some junkie squat. It's a nice, clean family home and the nearest ds has ever come to his drug use is picking up his grinder thinking it's a toy!

Actually, this is just so bloody awful that I'm starting to wonder if you're on the wind up.

I'm out.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

"Our home was never some junkie squat. It's a nice, clean family home and the nearest ds has ever come to his drug use is picking up his grinder thinking it's a toy!"

NO child should ever come even this close to drug use!! I can't believe a parent would need this explaining to them.

[YoJesse]

Thanks for all the genuine supportive answers. he is an incredibly enigmatic man who is great at rationalising things I didn't think much of the grinder thing but no, not a wind up sadly. More sad is the fact that the only thing I'll challenge him on is constantly hoovering up tobacco and then getting shouted at incase there was anything else 'valuble' hoovered up with it. I'm not some Idiot, I promise. Something went wrong, then something went right when we had a child now I don't know where I am but I want to be in a place that gives my son happiness. If I took his father out of the equation then he'd be devastated as would I.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

A grinder is a small device that crushes dry weed leaves into small pieces, bit like a pepper grinder.

There is too much melodrama attached to her toddler picking it up. It's not ideal, but is akin to a toddler picking up a wine glass with dregs in or a cigarette but.

And yes I know it's not right but these people need support and guidance not labelling as waste of space junkies.

[MistressDeeCee]

YABU. They were with your DH long before you came on the scene and it sounds as if they're crushed by having to deal with his addiction and what its doing to his life - and theirs, they don't become somehow immune you know, he is their son its hard watching someone you love hitting the self-destruct button. Hopefully they will all reconcile one day but in the meantime your DH is a big boy with his own responsibilities and must stand on his own feet. You blaming his parents achieves nothing and is actually unhelpful. Maybe you want the rift to continue so you are viewed as the saviour. Maybe think more about the environment you are raising your own son in

[roundmyway]

Picking up his grinder !
Hats off to you for saying that on mumsnet......

It's true he's not truly in recovery if he is smoking but sometimes the lesser of evils just has to do.

Give me a weed smoker over a pisshead any day of the week.

[Kidnapped]

OP, I actually think that you are nearly there and that you will be all right - you and your son, that is.

I think your anger and resentment at your DH's family is displaced anger at your DH. But you feel that you can't have a go at him right now because his recovery is so fragile and he is making some changes for the better. You feel like you have no option but to be supportive to him. And part of you is thinking "If I leave, he has nobody".

But that anger is still there and your anger needs an outlet - and fuelled by the "it's us against the world" narrative that he has no doubt got going right now, your DH's family has become the target. Despite supporting him previously, lending him money that they never got back, etc.

But your anger at him is absolutely justified. You should be raging at him. He has endangered his own health and his relationship with his wife and son. And you should explain this to him clearly and calmly. Your whole relationship has been about him and his using - you've just been a supportive and enabling bystander. And now he's in recovery guess who is sole cheerleader for that as well? Who's been supporting you during the last 5 years (and I don't mean financially)? You mention a chaotic lifestyle and issues around the safety of your son. I can't imagine that you have spent the last 5 years feeling cherished and safe. He has stolen that from you.

I think you need to put a time limit on it. Give it 3 months maximum. And then do what is best for you and your son.

[Wolpertinger]

If I took his father out of the equation he'd be devastated

Please remember your child is three. In general three year old are poor judges of character and ensuring their own safety. Left to their own devices the average three year old would have run off with a stranger or eaten their body weight in chocolate within an hour of being left alone.

You need to be the adult here. Your DS is never going to have a normal father son relationship with his dad because his dad is dealing with addictions. So you have to put your son's safety first all the time, whatever he says about daddy. Even profoundly abused kids love their parents.

[Nottodaythankyouorever]

ds has ever come to his drug use is picking up his grinder thinking it's a toy!

There is soooo much wrong with that statement I don't even know where to start. ...

[TheWitTank]

Jesus.
So you are willing to risk social services potentially taking your beloved son into care because your partner can't give up his weed habit? You have got your priorities seriously skewed.
I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

A three year old would miss a parent for a few weeks but that's it. After they simply adjust.

If SS are involved, hopefully they will make the right choice for your son if you won't. He may end up with none of his parents given you see no wrong with the situation.

[Coldwatebay]

OP your son deserves two parents, both clean of drugs. All drugs. No weed use by either of you.

[Kidnapped]

OP your son will be going to nursery or school soon. Can you imagine that he innocently tells his pals about what he has seen in the home or that he smells of weed himself? Staff are duty bound to inform SS.

Do you want that for him? For you?

[Baconyum]

" the nearest ds has ever come to his drug use is picking up his grinder thinking it's a toy!".

And alcohol dregs and cigarette butts I consider almost as bad BTW!

What the actual fuck!!! What if your son had ingested something on the grinder? Could have been hospitalised or worse!

Your compass is broken! As for the 'only smoke occasionally' its ILLEGAL I don't actually care about the ins and outs of whether it should be legal/controlled, at the moment it is illegal and you have NO idea what's actually in it and could potentially leave your son without any functional parents.

Stop minimising and excusing all this. I suspect if a social worker knew about the grinder you'd have some serious explaining to do!