To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

[YoJesse]

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

[chosenone]

Sorry. IMO YABU. After watching my parents stand by my brother for 20 years of on/off/on/ off drug addiction I wouldn't wish it in anyone. I personally felt my parents enabled my brothers addiction. They just would not allow him to hit rock bottom. They paid off debts, paid dealers, paid his rent, forgave him when he stole of them, we angry with ME when I prosecuted him for stealing from my home!

If you look at Al Anon and any support groups for relatives of addicts they talk about the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. So in all honestly what do you expect them to do? I advocate the 'release with love' approach. No big dramatic disowning but explaining to your loved one that although you love them you find their lifestyle choices very upsetting and unbearable to live with. It was by far the best thing I did for my own mental health.

Think about whether you are supporting or enabling your DH. Your life with an addict must be frustratingly difficult. I have never known anyone as self pitying and self absorbed as my DB whilst in throes of Heroin addiction.

[Mistigri]

It really depends. My ILs supported their youngest son who had major addiction issues. They eventually realised that they were actually enabling him (he was stealing from them) and reduced contact though didnt break it off completely.

As others have said, if they have been dealing with this for a number of years with no light at the end of the tunnel then their reaction is quite common and in many respects rational. They have to protect themselves; the only person who can overcome an addiction problem is the addict himself.

[QuiteLikely5]

I suspect they have been through a lot more with him than him just being stoned in his bedroom!

[Waltermittythesequel]

My dsis has decided to waste her life away with an addict who has had to be forced into rehab by a health scare.

What's worse is she is raising my tiny nephew around this.

My family have had enough of him and his behaviour and have cut contact. Not least because we can't watch helplessly while she allows her son to live in this environment. AIBU to wash my hands of the whole thing?

See? It's perspective and personal choice, isn't it?

[YoJesse]

5 1/2 years we've been together. Before ds I thought he had control of it as we both went out, had a good time, recovered and worked. It only became apparent when I was pregnant that his issues went a lot deeper.

As far as I know, he's never stolen from them but does owe them money. He's never been physically abusive to anyone.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

I'm sorry, but you sound incredibly naive about just how chaotic and devastating to families the life of an addict is.

They have had years of it, and there comes a ppint when you have to walk away - not because you don't care, it's actually quite the opposite. You care so much that you start neglecting every other person and area of your life trying to fix the addict. You walk away for self preservation, so you don't completely destroy yourself watching the addict destroy themselves!

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

As part of your partner's recovery, he should be encouraged to reach out and apologise to all the family he has hurt and mistreated. It needs to come from him and it sounds as though he is in the very early stages of recovery and repairing relationships is premature when there is a high chance of relapse.

You say that he has been 'forced' to tackle this. That rings a warning bell to me because he needs to be fully committed to a lifestyle change.

There are many people that beat addictions and have a wonderful life and I sincerely hope your partner is one of those but it is a rocky road.
Don't blame his parents from holding back at this stage.

[EweAreHere]

YABU.

Sorry. But you are.

I do hope he gets his problems under control, his health back, and he can make amends for the misery and stress he has clearly brought into the lives of his family.

[ZiggyFartdust]

As far as I know, he's never stolen from them but does owe them money. He's never been physically abusive to anyone

that you know of.

[gamerchick]

Never judge.

Personally I think you're a bit out of order subjecting your child to this person but its your risk. I suspect you'll see where his family are coming from in due course.

[Deletetheheat]

OP though I wish you and your dh all the very very best - truly - but the odds aren't great for him to kick his addictions.

The fact that you acknowledged in just two pages that he was forced to get help because of a health scare and that you know he's bored at a lack of social life means relapse in likely. He doesn't seem to have given up for the right reasons or acknowledged that life has to change completely now, 'going out' means something different now. I appreciate addiction is addiction, I appreciate it's early days and he's trying and I do hope it works out.

His mother probably knows this and maybe she can't bear the hope anymore.

[SickOfFeelingLonely]

YANBU especially in that they have cut off you and their grandson as well who are totally innocent in this. Disgusting behaviour and not the actions of decent people IMO.

Mind you people like this are usually deeply dysfunctional themselves (probably why the children become addicts anyway).

[cocochanel21]

I've been there sadly. I could never walk away from my child.
If I'm honest there were times I wanted to run away and never come back.
Addiction is the worst thing to watch a loved one go through.
3 long years of hell.

[clam]

I look at my tiny son and just think there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him.

Yes, and I expect your mil used to do the same for your dh. Which goes to show that you just can't say how things will go in the future. He seems to have put them through hell, so no, I don't think you should judge them.

[clam]

And actually, sometimes the best thing to do for an addict is to step away and stop enabling them. Maybe that's what they're "doing for him" now.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

There is a difference between supporting an addict and supporting an addict in recovery phequer

[MardyGrave]

It will be interesting for you to make note of this op,maybe look back on this in 5 or 10 years time.

[Wolpertinger]

It's likely they may see you as part of the problem and not part of the solution given he met you when he was still using and presumably you used together but you could control it and he could not. To them, you may just look like one of his druggy mates unfortunately.

Equally they may feel differently about the money he owes them to how you do.

Given he has been forced into this rehab by illness not choice, it's very very early to consider him any sort of recovered. I think you are very naive about the impact he's had on their lives and the potential he has to impact on your son's life as well.