To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

[YoJesse]

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

[Branleuse]

Dont ask him to stop smoking weed. He needs to work out what he needs to do, all by himself.
You dont need to do his thinking for him

[AlpacaLypse]

Good luck Jesse.

[YoJesse]

He has a smoke after work. Ideal? No but not uncommon.

I had the 'hooray child free evening ' and drank too much with a friend who doesn't know the extent of dh's past. I had too much but it was a stupid one off and I'm paying for it today. Ideal? No but I'm sure some parents can relate.

[BillSykesDog]

You were slaughtered. He smokes every day. It's not normal, certainly not for parents.

[YoJesse]

Sorry lots of messages came in whist I was typing that to pheqer . Thank you branlause I am slowly starting to take these more helpful and unjudgemental posts on board. It is possible I could leave him.

[wannaBe]

Oh come on op. You were out with a friend? Really? And posting on MN at the same time? You may believe your own bullshit about how you had a couple of drinks on a rare child free night with a friend, but the thing about addicts is that they have normalised their behaviour to such an extent that even they believe their lies.

[wannaBe]

Ah and the typo's are back again.

Where the fuck are MN HQ?

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Look - it is true that a lot of people can smoke weed and carry on living perfectly functioning lives. They work, their cold ren don't even know, much less see drug paraphanelia around the house. Those people are generally speaking, not inclined towards addiction though and do not have issues with other substances.

A lot of people can have a couple of glasses of wine and it not turn in to a binge every time i.e problem drinking.

It does not seem that either you or your dh are those sorts of people. You have choices to make and I think it is important to look at your own behaviour. You cannot lecture your husband on the evils of addiction whilst yourself binge drinking and smoking weed. I know you say you don't drink often, but given the issues in your relationship, drinking at all seems unwise. He's an addict, even if you are not and you say you're not. He will seize things like this as excuses to use himself. It is a vicious circle.

[Branleuse]

the rights and wrongs of smoking weed are different for people who dont have SS involvement and those that do

Many people smoke it here and there and its fine. Other people need to just sort their lives right out and not drink, not smoke etc because they are addicts and they need to keep a stable home for their children. They cant have anything like that in the house

You will be absolutely fucking sorry if because of this man you lose your kid. You wont be loving him or finding him enigmatic and charming after that, and even if you do get him back, he could be traumatised by it.
I have a friend that got her daughter taken away a 4 after a series of bad decisions. (over a man) It took years to get social services off her back. This was incredibly traumatic for both my friend and her daughter. Thank fuck she sorted her life out. They are so close. It doesnt matter how misunderstood a man is, and I dont mean that in a sneery way. Sometimes the real fuck ups are the real charming gorgeous intelligent ones who will take you down with them as they fuck up everything they touch.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think the OP is suffering the fall out of too many posters personal experiences of alcoholism and addiction.

However, OP, don't underestimate how hard it is to beat an addiction. If your DH is committed to recovering then at the moment I expect every day is a struggle. AA currently has a 5% success rate.
You need to be doing everything you can to stop your DH from drinking and using. Including abstaining yourself. You will both make mistakes along the way, but you need to learn from them and move on.

Your DH having a few joints or a drink to relax is like him putting his foot on a very slippery slope.

[ZiggyFartdust]

I had the 'hooray child free evening ' and drank too much with a friend who doesn't know the extent of dh's past. I had too much but it was a stupid one off and I'm paying for it today. Ideal? No but I'm sure some parents can relate

Lots of us can relate to having a few too many, of course. But what you are wilfully ignoring is once you add that to a serious addiction to drink and drugs, very unsafe parenting, and illegal and dangerous behaviours...its not normal. It's not something everyone relates to.

I think your biggest problem is minimising everything.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I understand Phequer You are right. What I'm trying to get across is that the OP could look at other posters hellish anecdotes and compare them to her own situation and conclude that she and her family are not at that point. On the face of it, the odd drink or joint is almost acceptable but I'm trying to warn her that it can all snowball out of control very quickly, particularly in the light of her husband's disease of addiction.

[BillSykesDog]

Branleuse you're right. If people are genuinely wonderful parents with no substance abuse problems who would do anything for their kids and have the misfortune to get involved with SS; then if they get told to stop smoking weed they do. No question. If you don't have a problem with a substance and someone tells you if you don't give it up you may lose your children then you give it up.

People who don't if SS ask them to either have a problem with the substance or a problem with prioritising their child's needs over their own. Either way it's a worry. The kind of parents who have the odd spliff or glass of wine with no problem are going to be the parents who would just stop at the first hint of SS involvement. And obviously the OP and her partner don't fit into that category at all.

[Bunbaker]

"He has a smoke after work. Ideal? No but not uncommon."

I don't think it is as uncommon as you think. Your "normal" is different to what is "normal" for most people.

[wonkylampshade]

OP, here's one of my threads from days of yore. Looking back at it I got some great advice. There used to be a great poster called Colditz - don't know if she's still around. She linked to a few of her threads which I found immensely helpful at the time.

On the face of things we probably looked OK from the outside: both working, home owners, lovely new baby. But the reality was rotten to the core.

Sometimes when you're in the thick of a situation it's nigh on impossible to see it objectively, and I suspect that where you are at the moment.

Keep talking and reading as you can get a lot of support from people who have been through similar, I promise.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a521071-my-dp-has-told-me-he-hates-me-for-getting

[Bunbaker]

I got that wrong. It should read "I don't think it is as common as you think"

[BMW6]

There are none so blind as those that will not see. Your poor child.

[Baconyum]

Does SS know he's still using an ILLEGAL substance DAILY?

Do they know YOU'RE using an ILLEGAL substance? However rarely you claim?

Yes SS AIM to keep families together but they WON'T do so if that means the child/ren are at risk/in danger as your child clearly is!

Also not buying you were 'out with a friend' and still on mn. And no, many parents don't get shitfaced/high as soon as their kids are elsewhere. You could still be called on in an emergency if your child took ill/had an accident.

I drink but I don't get shitfaced, haven't since before my daughter was even conceived (had mc's so was being as healthy as possible). I've never even tried drugs (am I very unusual in that? I'm not amongst my family and friends, most of whom have also never even tried or at most experimented little with cannabis when we were younger which admittedly would be 20+ years ago. Have things changed so much? Aside of course from the person I mentioned who od'd, there's always outliers)

So NO it's not normal!

Op clearly in denial both with the man's issues and her own.

[tealoveryum]

Your SW is doing you wrong to say that they are about keeping families together not apart. They should be about what is best for the child, whether that's together or apart. Her words may convince you that you are doing the right thing but you need to put the family unit second to your son.

I hope it works out for you but I really hope that you keep the boundaries and do walk away if your husband continues.

[CerseiHeartsJaime4ever]

Your poor child. Shape up quickly or face the consequences, you are going to lose that child - either to SS or in the same way your MIL has lost her son.

[YoJesse]

Thank youbran nighties and lampshade. I want this thread to die now but seemed rude not to thank you. I've taken all comments on board.