To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

[YoJesse]

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

I just can't believe you are hedging his family so much.

When you still have him living with you and your son.

It's beyond belief. I suspect you have been sucked into his world and are now an enabler.

Yabu completely.

There is a very fine line between supporting and enabling OP.

Started Aa but refusing name as he thinks they will frown on him using weed still. He's very open about the fact he won't go a day without it and is not willing to give that up on top of everything else.

Shocking. I'm sorry OP but I have no idea why you are still with him and why you think this is an acceptable role model for your son.

I'm not minimising his problems here but for God's sake smoking a couple of joints does not make you a junkie! No, not if you have a healthy relationship with mind-altering substances. If you are an addict, you can have an unhealthy relationship with almost anything.

An addict saying that they can't go to group because they can't give up doing something mind-altering every day is a problem. It is. I've seen addicts in shitty 'recoveries' have unhealthy relationships with religion, exercise, food, video games... even reading FFS.

Ilost have you RTFT?

There's more going on here than a couple of joints.

I'm not minimising his problems here but for God's sake smoking a couple of joints does not make you a junkie

No, its him being an actual junkie that makes it not ok to smoke weed. RTFT

OP, make friends with that social worker, you're going to be seeing lots more of her the way you are going.

I have RTFT which is why I said I didn't want to minimise his problems.

I still think the knee jerk reaction to weed that a lot of people have is bizarre.

I don't think the OP needs to hear her partner being condemned as a junkie nor do I think it's the end of the world to use weed as a crutch to help him get over a serious addiction to drink and addictive drugs.

I do think that the OP needs to find some RL support for herself in case it doesn't go as well as she hopes.

I still think the knee jerk reaction to weed that a lot of people have is bizarre. Yep, my knee-jerk reaction. Based on more than two decades of experience; time spent working in rehab, shelters and SS. Gosh yes, knee-jerk indeed.

The disease isn't alcohol or heroin. The disease is addiction. Which means that while you are using a mind-altering substance as a crutch you ARE NOT RECOVERING.

Oh and ILost one of the exercises we used to do with addicts was to ask them to imagine a room packed with all manner of drugs, alcohol and other things. Which would they pick first? That's their primary addiction. In his case; weed. It's been there since the beginning, it needs to go for there to be an end.

Fair point. I stand corrected Mrs TP.

"I look at my tiny son and just think there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him.

Give up the weed and kick your partner out. Start with that."

This x million!! You are putting this alky junkie ahead of your sons needs. You've already shown your son is not your priority and he should be.

I'm the child and niece of alcoholics, I've lost someone I was very close to to heroin. They all did rehab several times. Only one has been successful because they WANTED to do it! My father only doesn't drink now as he is physically unable to leave the house and nobody will buy it for him, he resents them every day for it and says so! My uncle has been sober 20 years, has little time for his brother (my father).

Addicts will not recover until they truly accept they are addicts, they are not in control of what they are addicted to and they and they alone are responsible for their own recovery.

Your sons father is none of these! He is not in recovery he and you are in denial. I too think in less than 6 months (actually 3 more likely) he will be back on the booze and whatever else he abuses. I too believe you also smoke cannabis. I am not of the view that ' a couple of joints is harmless' I have seen people have psychosis, and addiction issues with cannabis plus be more likely to have issues with other substances. I also don't think drinking often is responsible.

As pps have said you have been assigned a social worker because people with more sense than you or your sons father realise your son is not in a safe or sensible environment.

"OP, make friends with that social worker, you're going to be seeing lots more of her the way you are going." Definitely!

If you are smoking cannabis stop! Repeat get rid of sons father out of your home and your lives until he is genuinely in recovery and has been for a decent length of time!

Although ILove I do sometimes think that the general attitude to weed as opposed to gin on MN is hypocritical. This thread is not that place.

I don't think many or indeed any on MN drink so much they don't have the wherewithal to call a taxi/ambulance should their child need medical attention and they've had a few glasses of wine. If they did, that would be odd.

I agree phequer. Alcohol is insidious in its damage. It's accepted as its legal but it kills so many and damages many more than Street drugs. But the stats don't hold that up because it's legal and so people aren't criminalised for posession etc. Not saying it should be criminalised but that our attitude to it is dangerous. By our I mean UK society.

I do still drink, but I am very strict on what I allow myself. I used to be a habitual thoughtless drinker and I did drink far too much. I stopped because I had a good hard look at myself. People absolutely take alcohol for granted and think it is OK.

This is such a sad thread.

OP - I'm sure it's been very difficult for you to read some of the responses here, and I'm sure you're feeling a little overwhelmed.

The problem with living/supporting an addict is not just that one of enabling the behaviour (this doesn't just mean buying the substance or helping someone with their addiction, it also means accepting things that are unacceptable - your DH's refusal to really commit to recovery for example, the fact that you have been allocated a social worker...honestly, these things aren't normal, they're really, really not ) but also one of co-dependency and you're own (and that of your child's) mental health. HE is your drug, and that's so, so bad for you.

I hope you can try to look at things from his family's POV - I urge you to have a look at Al-Anon as well and start taking care of you.

I wish you all the best.

Right. Had a bit Of time to get my head together. I don't smoke weed regularly. I think people saying he's only getting clean because it was affecting him are wrong. He volunteered a lot of info in hospital otherwise it would have been easy to hide the extent of his problems. I truly love him and know he can be a loving husband and father. I've seen that so much more in the last month. Our home was never some junkie squat. It's a nice, clean family home and the nearest ds has ever come to his drug use is picking up his grinder thinking it's a toy!

I know people think I'm deluded but I'm not unreasonable to give this a chance now his recovering.

None so blind...

Take care of yourself OP

You are deluded and a fool but it's your life I guess.

I'm not unreasonable to give this a chance now his recovering.

He's not recovering, he has quite clearly said he has no intention of not smoking weed every day.

Very sad for your DS.