To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

[YoJesse]

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

[YoJesse]

He has spoken to some family (no, not at the apology stage yet) and they have then gone on to text me that he sounds well etc. So I think, 'well yes he does and you'd see this if you came to see us' it irritates me. Why can't they say that directly to him and encourage his recovery?

I do feel guilty about situations my ds has been in and I'm no kind on amazing mother but I can't see my mil's stance as anything but spiteful now he's recovering.

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

I'm not sure where the point would be that I cut ties with my children it's hard to imagine. Mind you I can't imagine loving an alcoholic, drug addict so much that I would see fit too bring children in to this sort of living hell.

Admirable that you want to support him but probably need to reserve your judgement on his parents. Your future DIL could well be posting about your parenting decisions and the devastating effect it's had on her husband one day.

[CooPie10]

You are just not getting it.

Why should family members come along and encourage him? Shouldn't he be the one trying to earn back their trust?? He's the one that messed up and affected other people's lives. The hard work needs to come from him.

You have no right to be upset with them when you allowed your sons safety to be in danger in his company.

[Wolpertinger]

Alternate view - his family genuinely are horrid. In which case, he will recover better without them.

Sadly however I think he is a long long way from recovery and you need to establish some boundaries to protect yourself and your child. He may recover this time but he may not and you need to know what your limits are.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Agree phequer most addicts relapse a least once before they recover because deep down they don't really believe they have a problem.
Accepting they need help and want to change is the turning point in starting to get better.

There is nothing wrong with the OP supporting him if he is beating his addictions but making amends with other family members can wait.

I hope you have support yourself, OP

[SleepyBoBo]

YABU. Having lived with a family member who was a binge drinker/drug user, you're in a near impossile situation. The more you try and 'help', the worse it gets. All you see is your love and support being thrown back in your face. It gets too much - sometimes the best thing to do for them and yourself is to walk away and hope they come out the other side. I was very lucky, my family member did - but only because they chose to start again. You cannot support someone who has no want to change, nor should you have to, parent, sibling or otherwise.

[Katenka]

Yabu. You can't tell anyone they shouldn't be at the end of their tether with it.

Everyone has a point they can't do anymore, watch it anymore.

I hope he recovers and you don't have to get to that point.

[AcrossthePond55]

OP, you apparently don't have any idea what addiction can truly to do the family. I had to walk away from my brother due to alcoholism and I can assure you that if either of my sons were doing the same as he was I'd walk away from them, too. It would kill me, but I'd do it. Because when you walk away you aren't doing it because you can't be 'bothered', you're doing it because you know it's the last chance they have to get sober. That they have to hit rock bottom and fight their own way out.

Once my brother got the help he needed and had a stretch of sobriety he contacted me and made amends (which is an important part of recovery) and I welcomed him back into my life. He's been sober almost a year now, the longest period of sobriety for him in 30 years and is doing great. I believe that the reconciliation with the family has been a great part of keeping him sober. So please, once your DH gets his sobriety and if his treatment team (and he) feels it's right, encourage him to contact his family and make amends.

[ricketytickety]

There is a contradiction in your argument. It is that you would always put your son first and you feel bad about some situations your son has been put in.

You say your partner has not always been an alcoholic and that previously he was a stoner. I wonder what the root problem is? Is this being tackled?

If your son is in danger around him you should perhaps separate as in live in your own spaces whilst he recovers. Do you think you want their support so you can do this?

[Northernlurker]

Recovery is not an event OP. It's a very, very, very long process. I'm sure you would like to think this has all gone away. It hasn't. His family know that.

Your dh's addiction has affected his health, his ability to parent, his relationship with hi family. These are things which don't just get wiped out when you decide you will 'recover'. Addiction leaves huge scars. I think you need to stop being bitter about them and instead reflect on why they are thinking as they are. It may well help you to protect yourself and your son.

[YoJesse]

pheqer Whilst in hospital we were allocated a social worker (mortifying) and they've pointed him in the right direction. Started Aa but refusing name as he thinks they will frown on him using weed still. He's very open about the fact he won't go a day without it and is not willing to give that up on top of everything else.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

So he's in 12 step and he's not making amends yet but you want them to forgive him and welcome him back.

I want to say this very strongly: Get professional support. You are either naive or enabling or there is something going on for you. Denial. Google it.

[BillSykesDog]

YoJesse, it's very, very early days into his recovery. And a lot of recoveries don't last.

Addicts are by their very nature selfish. That does often change as they recover, but in early recovery they still are often extremely selfish. This does often manifest itself by the person in recovery expecting that because they haven't drunk for a month or so everything can be swept under the table and everybody will start playing happy families and pretending nothing has happened, which is what you and your DH seem to be expecting to happen.

It doesn't work like that. Trust has to be reearned. Bridges need to be rebuilt. They may well need to progress far down their road to recovery before people around them are prepared to take it seriously and start to feel happy taking steps towards rebuilding relationships.

Rebuilding relationships after addiction is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to have patience.

[YoJesse]

That's refusing NA

[Grilledaubergines]

I think it's great you have hope for your Dh. But I do think you are being unreasonable to expect others to take your stance.

Drug and alcohol abuse scares me so much and in all honesty if my dc went down that path I don't believe I could maintain contact. To look at my child and not recognise the person they are, to see them destructing themselves and those around them would be too difficult for me.

[ZiggyFartdust]

So I think, 'well yes he does and you'd see this if you came to see us' it irritates me. Why can't they say that directly to him and encourage his recovery?

It isnt their responsibility to encourage his recovery. And they don't owe him anything.

You are sounding terribly naive about the whole thing.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

they will frown on him using weed still So he's lying to continue to use mind-altering substances. Every day. Shit Yo you are knee deep in crap with this one.

[BillSykesDog]

He's still smoking weed daily? His family are right and you're a mug. You have a social worker involved and he's still getting stoned regularly? Does he not care you could lose your child?

[MaudGonneMad]

He's not in recovery if he is still using weed.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

His family can walk away; they have every right to do that for their own self protection and sanity. You cannot stand in judgment.

If you think that your are helping your DH YoJesse you are wrong on so many levels. You are treading the well worn path of an enabler and that will not help him or you ultimately. Enabling will only give you a false sense of control and further delay any recovery. Detaching with love is an approach that should be taken instead.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I also think YoJesse that you are as much in denial as he is. He will never be in recovery, not even close, if he chooses to still use weed daily.

You and your son are being dragged down by this man. You are in turn mired in codependent and enabling behaviours when it comes to your H.

[Wolpertinger]

Won't go to AA and is taking weed every day = not in recovery at all.

You are deluding yourself. You have bigger problems than being embarrassed about seeing a social worker.